Better Questions

Thoreau once said, "The worth of anything is the amount of life you are willing to sacrifice for it."

The question is, who is setting the expectations of worth and time?

Over the last few weeks, I have been butting my head against the proverbial wall about setting realistic expectations, and trying to get the message across, that in order to set realistic expectations, you have to understand what people need, not just accept what they tell you they want. It’s called requirements gathering.

Here’s my take…

“We” as a culture, have been overly conditioned to please by saying “Yes!” I’m sorry to point this out, but saying “Yes,” for the sake of telling them what they want to hear is completely and utterly the wrong way to give someone what they need. If we, as individuals are to be able to drive positive satisfaction for the people that we are dealing with, whether in business, or our interpersonal relationships, we have to start by saying “No!” more often.  I have been going through this exercise with my staff over the last couple of weeks, and they are beginning to see a difference in how people are responding to them.

The rules are simple. Never assume that the party on the other end of the request knows what they are asking for. I know that this sounds arrogant, but it’s not. I’m not saying the other party doesn’t understand their own request, but they may not be on the same page with what you are willing/able to provide. It really comes down to that whole “Requirements” gathering scenario.

Simplistic example… You are in the middle of trying to complete work that you really need to get finished, for a deadline, when your significant other asks you to take out the trash. You say “OK” thinking it will be alright to take it out after you are finished, when the request was meant to say, “I need it out right away because there’s some really smelly stuff I just dropped in there, and I don’t want the kitchen to smell like that.” The simple act of asking “Can I take that out after I finish what I’m working on?” would have drawn the appropriate requirements. All we really need to do is be attentive to what other people are asking of us, and if we are truly interested in providing them with what they need, then we need to start asking the right questions.

Everything in our dealings with others, whether in business, our personal lives, or even in daily interactions with strangers should be based on realistic expectations, and asking the right questions. When you start actually caring about doing the things that are actually going to fulfill someone else’s needs, rather than just what you think they are asking for, I think you’ll find that you are wasting less time, spinning your wheels a lot less, and showing other people how to ask the right questions. A simple “I don’t know,” to the right question is worth considerably more than the “right” answer to the wrong question…

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated in an essay on Self-reliance “...Five minutes of today are worth as much to me, as five minutes in the next millennium. Let us be poised, and wise, and our own, today. Let us treat the men and women well: treat them as if they were real: perhaps they are.” and based on that, I just wanted to add an additional point.

Sometimes having NO Expectations can be a wonderful thing. If we, as individuals, set our internal expectations of others based on society, environment, and sometimes even our own experiences, we will usually become very disillusioned, and disappointed. It is only through DIALOGUE and AGREEMENT between two parties that any expectations can be set.

When we place our expectations on others with no “Buy-In” from them as to whether they are willing to meet those expectations, we create an untenable situation for both. You are expecting something from someone who may, or may not, be willing to meet your expectations, because they don’t know what they are… I know it sounds too simple, but we (Myself Included) do it every day.

We WANT people to treat us in certain ways, and if we are in an environment that happens to agree with that behavior, we are usually happy with the outcome. Stay in that environment long enough, and you come to EXPECT that. This scenario works well… Until the environment changes…

The ONLY expectations that we can truly set and meet, without a dialogue with another person, are the expectations we have for ourselves, in the way that we choose to treat others. Typically the “Golden Rule” actually does work, sometimes it does not, however we cannot be upset, or disappointed when it doesn’t. The expectations we have within cannot be projected on to another who doesn’t know what your expectations are. Treat people well, in business, and in personal interactions and they will usually return the favor, but don’t expect it. You will surely be disappointed.

Ask the right Questions! Be prepared to actually listen to the answers, and determine the issues/wants/needs of the other party! Set mutual expectations accordingly, and you'll be shocked at how much easier your days can become.

"Life and Death, wealth and Want, affect all men most powerfully. But when Men, with a spirit great and strong, can look down upon such outward circumstances, whether prosperous or adverse, and when some noble and virtuous purpose, presented to their minds, converts them wholly to itself and carries them away in its pursuit, who then could fail to admire in them the splendor and beauty of a virtuous act for the sake of others." (Andre Malraux)