The Better Mousetrap

I don’t know if there’s necessarily been an uptick in celiac disease. But since the onset of COVID-19, there’s been a markedly discernible increase in bellyaching. Contrary to the intentions of the Founding Fathers of these here United States, we want to be completely dependent on government unless and until said government does or says something we don’t like. Then, of course, we’re all Libertarian Constitutionalists … unless we decide there’s something else we want or until we fall for the next politician’s vote-grubbing promise and change our minds diametrically about what we want or what we believe we’re entitled to.

So, in the interest of quelling civil unrest and giving even the most self-absorbed grumblers among us something distracting if not constructive to do, I’ve invented the proverbial better mousetrap: Gluten tweezers.

That’s right. With these ultra-precise, electric, micro-point tweezers, you can ease the agita in your aching belly — and you can while away untold hours in completely mindless but thoroughly effective distraction — extracting the last, most minute glutens from flours, breads, pastas, crackers, cereals, croutons, tortillas, trail mix, cakes, pies, candies, energy bars, tabbouleh, communion wafers, matzo, couscous, and more made from wheat (including wheatberries, durum, emmer, semolina, spelt, farina, farro, graham, kamut, and einkorn), wheat starch, rye, barley, malt, triticale, and brewer’s yeast.

Think of it: Instead of beefing about whether the guy in the grocery store did or didn’t wear a mask, depending on what you think he should or shouldn’t have done, you can spend days on end plucking glutens out of your beer and your crackers, bewildering yourself so thoroughly and effectively you might not even get around to slicing the cheese and the pepperoni. Instead of griping about whether pubs and restaurants should or shouldn’t be allowed to let people belly up to their bars, depending on what you think they should or shouldn’t be allowed to do, you can buy vodka by the gallon and pick the glutens out of each shot before you pound it. And instead of squawking about whether people should or shouldn’t social distance, depending on what you think they should or shouldn’t be allowed to do, you can tweeze the glutens out of your kids’ Wheaties while you lecture them about how they shouldn’t be eating that GMO, non-organic shit anyway.

Using the gluten tweezers to eliminate gluten from your gustatory consumption may not stop your impotent, self-righteous bellyaching. But by keeping you preoccupied, it’ll spare your families, friends, neighbors, and complete strangers from all the moaning you’ve been indulging in and subjecting them to since the coronavirus epidemic broke out. That’s gotta make this whole mess at least a little more bearable.

Please. There’s no need to thank me. My invention of the gluten tweezers is just a mere public service, performed for the good of humanity.

But you’re welcome anyway.