Better Love

With myriad stories of boys (and men) behaving badly, Valentine’s Day presents as an opportunity to revisit what Peggy Orenstein, a New York Times best-selling author, refers to as the “mis-education of the American boy.” In an article for The Atlantic, she poses, “Why boys crack up at rape jokes, think having a girlfriend is ‘gay,’ and still can’t cry – and why we need to give them new and better models of masculinity.” Perhaps more alarmingly, she says, “When asked what traits society values most in boys, only 2 percent of male survey respondents said honesty and morality” (Orenstein, 2020).

In an age when poor, and quite public, role models abound, is it really any wonder?

Also weighing in is family therapist and counselor Andrew Smiler, Ph.D., who discusses “the Casanova Complex,” stating, “As recently as the 1950s and 1960s, we thought very differently about boys; we saw them as mostly good, fun-loving, respectful, and responsible. American history tells us that the Casanova-like image of male sexuality has been around for a long time, but that image hasn’t always been dominant or even considered ‘positive’ or desirable.”

Smiler asks, “What would happen if we improved and expanded our sexual expectations of young men? If we stop believing that boys and men are emotional cripples and fly-by-night Casanovas who are just out for sex, and start believing that they’re full, complete human beings who have emotional and relational needs?” (Smiler, 2012).

On a similar note, Orenstein speaks to a “toxic masculinity,” revealing, “Nearly every guy I interviewed … [had] seen the headlines about mass shootings, domestic violence, sexual harassment, campus rape, presidential Twitter tantrums, and Supreme Court confirmation hearings ...” (Orenstein, 2020).

One such headline appeared just last week: it read, in part, “Pennsylvania Man, 23, Beat Girlfriend to Death in Jealous Rage ...” (Dedaj, 2020). My March 2012 Psychology Today column, “Love and Legacy: Hope for What Yeardley Left Behind,” recalls a more distant tragedy in a relationship clearly gone awry and points to additional dynamics that may presage dangerous – even deadly – behavior.

The recent conviction of University of Virginia lacrosse player George Huguely in the savage beating death of classmate, and sometimes girlfriend, Yeardley Love might conclude the criminal phase of this most unseemly of crimes. But it marks just the beginning of figuring out what could be, perhaps should be, the silver lining of a case that, in the words of the prosecutor, had no winners.

Sure, there have been tributes to Yeardly's life, even a lacrosse field named for her at her prep school alma mater, but it's early yet to determine what the legacy of her young life and untimely demise might be.

I know what I, for one, am hoping for.

I am hoping that all young people recognize the incredibly destructive role that alcohol can play, particularly when unchecked by oneself or those who call themselves friends.

I am hoping that educators, of those in college and those working toward it, talk forcefully and passionately to their students about this tragic tale so that names and faces can attach to what generally appear only as bland numbers and statistical tallies.

I am hoping that college administrators redouble their efforts to spread the word about appropriate and inappropriate relationships and empower victimized students to seek help and those around them to speak up.

I am hoping that parents hold the line on underage drinking because we know that, among other unpleasant things, the earlier a young person starts to drink, the more likely it is he or she will experience alcohol-related problems throughout their lifetime.

I am hoping that our culture will abandon its ambivalence about athletes acting bad, not giving them an easy out because of their prowess on the field but rather holding them accountable because of their influence off of it.

Most of all, I am hoping that no family will again have to endure what the Love and Huguely families have endured. But the odds don't seem stacked that way.

For their part, the Love family is creating an enduring, positive legacy for their daughter. Through the One Love Foundation, established in Yeardley’s memory, they state, “Love is the most important thing in our lives, yet we are taught very little about it. One Love is on a mission to change that. We educate young people about healthy and unhealthy relationships, empowering them to identify and avoid abuse and learn how to love better.” To date, the foundation has reached more than 100 million people with online educational content and taught more than 950,000 people through workshops (One Love, 2018).

What else can be done?

Key youth influencers, including some identified by the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), play a key role. Let’s look at a few.

Parents: In her Parenting Teens and Tweens post, “Dear Teenage Son, This Is the Kind of Man We Hope You Will Become,” writer Christine Carter offers some guidance (Carter, 2018). 

As you enter your teen years, your father and I worry about your grades and where you’ll go to college and whether you’ll ever learn to put your clothes away.

But nothing matters more to us than the kind of man you will become.

In these few years we have left with you, there are some important lessons your father and I want you to learn.

We want you to know that we will expect more from you as you get older. Through these challenging teen years, you will be making decisions that will develop your identity, build your reputation, and increase your influence over others.

You will be challenged to do the right thing, the noble thing, and the wise thing. Those can be the hardest things to do, but you will build your moral character from those choices. From the classroom to the playing field, from the workplace to your home, from the house parties to the school dances, you will have many opportunities to follow the path we’re trying to put you on or to stray into the unknown.

As you mature, we will be relentless in our pursuit of helping you become a man who is honest, trustworthy, respectful, compassionate, humble, and brave. These disciplines will require much of you, but we believe you are up for the challenge.

Teachers: According to the Center for the Study of Boys, student-teacher relationships will be critical in the teen years.

Boys in upper school are just beginning to challenge their world and develop their individual viewpoints.

They want to know “how” and “why,” so it’s important for the teacher to communicate the relevance of the subject matter. And, to encourage independent thinking, students should be exposed to scenarios that have a variety of solutions.

The student-teacher relationship will be tested in new ways during this phase. Teachers must recognize the importance of creating a safe space where students feel they will be heard. Sometimes the teacher’s most important job is to simply listen and be present. When boys see that teachers are invested in their success, trust develops and they become less hesitant to ask for help.

Fostering an authentic relationship often requires a time investment outside the classroom. By attending and supporting students’ varied activities, teachers can demonstrate that they care for more than just the academic life of the boys. Boys instinctively recognize and prize sincerity and authenticity. They know and appreciate when someone truly cares about their well-being and wants them to succeed.

Ideally, classroom instruction should include:

• Questions that lead to lively discussions where the boys feel safe to challenge the material and express their opinions
• Active learning rather than passive, rote learning
• Humor—including sarcasm, satire, parody, and a willingness to laugh at oneself
• Fairness in assessments
• Taking students out of their comfort zones, challenging them, and providing one-on-one support …

Coaches/Peers: Writer Caitlin Cruz, in her January 2020 article “Want to Build a Future Without Sexual Violence? Start With Middle School Boys,” shares insight into the importance of coaches (Cruz, 2020).

In a new study published on Jan.13 in JAMA Pediatrics, Dr. Elizabeth Miller, a physician and chief of Adolescent and Young Adult Medicine at UPMC Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, researched ways to prevent gender-based violence and reach gender equity among middle school boys.

Miller’s study evaluated the effects of a violence prevention program called “Coaching Boys Into Men” on just under 1,000 male athletes in Pennsylvania … the study involves coaches presenting scripted discussions to their players … started with discussions on acceptable language, including a focus on sexist and homophobic language. By mid-season, the program moved onto cyberbullying and cyber abuse within relationships. The program stressed that the boys in the room could take a leadership position in preventing gender violence.

‘As an athlete you have a role in interrupting disrespectful and harmful behavior, you have the skills to intervene,’ Miller told Supermajority News. ‘It’s a really unique program in that it combines challenging harmful masculinities, simultaneously positive bystander behavior.’

Miller says the research showed that the program was successful in reducing gender-based violence among middle school boys ... She went on to reveal a 75 percent reduction in dating abuse perpetration in a one-year followup.

Camp Counselors: As I share in my new book, IMPACT – Counseling, Mentoring, and Youth Development,” camp counselors can play a particularly prominent role in helping young people along the path of healthy social-emotional growth, including with regard to relationships. This may be in part because of the close proximity in age of camp role models and their campers. It is also attributable to the fact that young adults often feel more free to “be themselves” at camp than they ever feel at school.

Indeed, in his November 2019 Camping Magazine article, “Crafting Healthy Conceptions of Masculinity: What the Summer Camp Experience Can Provide for Boys,” Joseph D. LaLiberte, a teacher and coach at Delbarton School in New Jersey and a summer employee at Camp Belknap in New Hampshire, discusses modern masculinity.

Today’s proposed “crisis of masculinity” suggests that boys remain under immense pressure to fit a specific mold of boy and manhood … William Pollack suggests in his book Real Boys that young men in the late 20th and early 21st centuries are being subscribed to what he refers to as the “boy code,” an expectation that boys are to be stoic, stable, independent, daring, powerful, and above all, must avoid any semblance of femininity or emotionality (Pollack, 1999). New research shows that boys are faring less well in school than they did in the past and in comparison to girls, that many boys have remarkably fragile self-esteems, and that the rates of depression and suicide in boys are frighteningly on the rise …

If researchers now know that heightened masculine gender norms and gender-based social pressures can potentially have a profoundly negative impact on men, then first and foremost, what is happening to our boys? (O’Neil, Good, & Holmes, 1995)

Research suggests that such gendered social pressures are detrimental to mental health. Moreover, stereotypical masculine gender norms can impair the emotional and physical development of boys (Santos, 2010). These norms have been linked with negative social, developmental, and psychological outcomes such as violence, aggression, academic difficulties, substance use, neglect of personal health, homophobia, misogyny, and detached fathering (Santos, 2010 via Levant, 2005; Kindlon & Thompson, 1999; Pleck, Sonenstein, & Ku, 1993) …

Preliminary findings and ongoing analyses indicate that boys felt significantly more comfortable and less pressured in the camp environment as opposed to their schools. The larger differences for older campers could suggest that their experiences at camp serve as a place where boys are encouraged to be themselves, feel accepted, and relax, more so than at school. Alternatively, perhaps the more years a boy returns to camp, the more he feels as if camp is a safe environment, one in which he feels less pressure to conform to a gender role stereotype.

It has also been suggested that today’s society may not be particularly kind to boys. According to psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D., in his seminal Boston Globe essay “Passage Into Manhood” about a conversation he had with a 17-year-old boy on his way to summer camp, “American culture has no universal ritual for helping boys move from boyhood to manhood ... Jewish boys have their bar mitzvahs, Mormon boys have their year of missionary service, other boys sign up for the military. Yet every boy yearns to be a man, and traditional societies always took boys away from their parents to pass an initiation rite. We no longer have such rituals, but boys still wonder: What is the test, where do I find it, how do I pass it, and who will recognize that moment when I pass from boyhood to manhood? We fail to provide a meaningful, challenging path that speaks to the souls of a majority of boys” (Thompson, 2005).

Camps may very well provide those meaningful milestones.

I asked four other 17-year-old campers about their experiences. What follows is a composite of their responses.

How do you define manhood?

I define manhood as the point when a boy reaches a state of maturity and independence. I think as people grow up, become more independent and gain greater responsibility, they travel down the path toward manhood. [It’s] a point in someone’s life when society looks at him differently than it would at someone who is still becoming more physically and mentally mature.

How do you know when you’ve become a man?

As far as how you actually know, well, I wish I knew. I can only assume that it is [like] those things that you just know when it happens. Like falling asleep or falling in love, at first it happens little by little but then all at once. I hope I’ll know when it happens. I think “becoming a man” is something that is decided on more by society than anything else. A boy becomes a man when he is independent and can not only function on his own but also provide for himself. You become a man after an epiphany of sorts; it takes a realization that you are not a man, that you are not mature or as mature as you ought to be in order to actually, completely become a man.

Do you feel there are specific steps, tasks or tests that you must take or complete to become a man?

Sort of like a narrative hero, you have to experience some sort of fall in order to achieve the ultimate goal. Afterwards, somebody can truly become a man if he actively works to put the past behind him and better himself. I think you have to have some level of self-sufficiency and personal independence. I don’t think there is anything more specific than that. I think taking risks would help [because] being uncomfortable really shows who you are. Taking risks and going out on your own and trying new things … that’s what you really have to do to become a man. I do not think there is any one straight path … [it] is unique to that individual. I think the underlying factors include finding men you admire and whose values you want to embody. [It also means] being open to hearing different points of view and being open to learning from others as you mature.

Boys becoming men and leading with a better kind of love.

Stephen Gray Wallace, M.S. Ed., is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a national collaborative of institutions and organizations committed to increasing favorable youth outcomes and reducing risk. He is a member of the professional development faculty at the American Academy of Family Physicians and American Camp Association and a parenting expert at kidsinthehouse.com, NBC News Learn, RANE and WebMD. In addition, he is an award-winning writer and author of the books Reality Gap and IMPACT. Stephen was also national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD for more than 15 years. Additional information about his work can be found at StephenGrayWallace.com.

(c) Summit Communications Management Corporation 2020. All Rights Reserved.

REFERENCES

CARE. (2020). Center for Adolescent Research and Education. https://ecareforkids.org/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Carter, C. (2018). Dear teenage son, this is the kind of man we hope you will become. Parenting Teens and Tweens. December 4, 2018. https://parentingteensandtweens.com/lessons-for-my-teenage-son/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Center for the Study of Boys. (2014). Phases of learning, grades 9-12. St. Christopher’s School. https://educatingboys.com/phases-of-learning/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Cruz, C. (2020). Want to build a future without sexual violence? Start with middle school boys. Supermajority News. January 15, 2020. https://supermajority.com/news/education-fund/want-to-build-a-future-without-sexual-violence-start-with-middle-school-boys/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Dedaj, P. (2020). Pennsylvania man, 23, beat girlfriend to death in jealous rage before taking her to hospital in Uber: prosecutors. Fox News. February 7, 2020. https://www.foxnews.com/us/pennsylvania-man-23-beat-girlfriend-to-death-in-jealous-rage-before-taking-uber-to-hospital-prosectuers-say (12 Feb. 2019).

LaLiberte, J. (2019). Crafting healthy conceptions of masculinity: What the summer camp experience can provide for boys. Camping Magazine. November 2019. https://www.acacamps.org/resource-library/camping-magazine/crafting-healthy-conceptions-masculinity-what-summer-camp-experience-can-provide-boys (12 Feb. 2019).

One Love. (2018). What we do at One Love. https://www.joinonelove.org/about/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Orenstein, P. (2020). Boys & sex: Young men on hookups, love, porn, consent, and navigating the new masculinity. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Orenstein, P. (2019). The miseducation of the American boy. The Atlantic. December 20, 2019. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/01/the-miseducation-of-the-american-boy/603046/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Smiler, A. (2012). Challenging Casanova: Beyond the stereotype of the promiscuous young male. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Thompson, M. (2005). Passage into manhood. The Boston Globe. July 26, 2005. https://archive.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2005/07/26/passage_into_manhood/ (12 Feb. 2019).

Wallace, S. (2020). IMPACT – An Introduction to Counseling, Mentoring, and Youth Development. Monterey, CA: HealthyLearning.

Wallace, S. (2017). Stretching toward manhood: Self-agency and the march to maturity. Psychology Today. March 6, 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decisions-teens-make/201703/stretching-toward-manhood?#_=_ (12 Feb. 2019).

Wallace, S. (2012). Love and legacy: hope for what Yeardley left behind. Psychology Today. March 2, 2012. https://www.psychologytoday.com/hk/blog/decisions-teens-make/201203/love-and-legacy-hope-what-yeardley-left-behind?amp (12 Feb. 2019).