There is no doubt that effective listening is an incredibly important life skill. Why is listening so important??
Listening serves a number of possible purposes, and the purpose of listening will depend on the situation and the nature of the communication.
- To specifically focus on the messages being communicated, avoiding distractions and preconceptions.
- To gain a full and accurate understanding of the speaker's point of view and ideas.
- To critically assess what is being said.
- To observe the non-verbal signals accompanying what is being said to enhance understanding.
- To show interest, concern and concentration.
- To encourage the speaker to communicate fully, openly and honestly.
- To develop a selflessness approach, putting the speaker first.
- To arrive at a shared and agreed understanding and acceptance of both sides views.
- Mind reading - Trying to figure out what other person is really thinking (not paying attention to words).?
- Comparing - trying always to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy - you or the other.?
- Rehearsing what to say - you don't listen when you're rehearsing what to say.?
- Filtering - listening to some things and not to others (common in marriage).?
- Judging - Putting negative labels on people and their statements. You are not listening, you've already written the person off by hastily judging statement as immoral, hypocritical, fascist, or crazy…?
- Dreaming - self explanatory.?
- Identifying - referring everything that you have been told to your own experience.?
- Advising - You don't have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin to search for the right advice.?
- Sparring - you are not listening, you are trying to win the fight. Nothing good ever happens? when you fight.?
- Being right - you will twist facts, start yelling, make excuses or accusations. You can't listen to criticism, your convictions are unbreakable - you are always right!?
- Derailing - suddenly changing subject of the conversation.?
- Placating - you want to be nice, supportive. You always agree rather than turning in and examining what's being said.?
- Active listening means collaborating in the process: Paraphrasing, clarifying, and giving feedback
- Paraphrasing - stating in your own words. Paraphrase every time when someone says something of any importance to you. - antidote to most listening blocks
- When you paraphrase, people deeply appreciate feeling heard. Paraphrasing stops escalating anger and cools down crisis. It stops miscommunication by clearing up false assumptions, errors, and misinterpretations on the spot. Paraphrasing helps you remember what was said. And finally, paraphrasing is the antidote to most listening blocks—when you paraphrase, you’ll find it much harder to compare, judge, rehearse, spar, advise, derail, dream, and so on.
- Clarifying - Asking questions until you get more of the picture
- Giving feedback - sharing what you felt, thought, or sensed (without approval and disapproval) Helps a person to understand the effect of his or her communication.
- To check perceptions of the other person’s feelings, you transform what you saw and heard into a tentative description: “I want to understand your feelings—do you feel more regret or guilt about what happened?” “Listening to what you said, I wonder if maybe you’re still angry at him.” Good feedback is immediate, honest, and supportive. Immediate means giving feedback as soon as you have paraphrased and clarified
- Listening with Empathy - remembering that everyone is trying to survive as best they can, and even the most outrageous, inconsiderate, false, and violent acts are strategies to minimize pain, postpone death, and hold on to life. When someone is angry try asking these questions:
- What need is the (anger, anxiety) coming from?
- What danger is this person experiencing?
- What is he or she asking for??
- Listening with Openness - listening without judging. Reversal is a good exercise, reverse sides and arguments and try to push other persons point of view.
- Or imagine that another person is from a different country and with different beliefs and your job is to find how other person point makes sense. Refrain from evaluations until you have all the information
- Listening with Awareness:
- Compare what is being said to your own knowledge of history, people, and the way things are (without judgment)?
- Hear and observe congruence (follow persons emotions)
- Total Listener: Maintain good eye contact. Lean slightly forward. Reinforce the speaker by nodding or paraphrasing. Clarify by asking questions. Actively move away from distractions. Be committed to understanding what was said, even if you’re angry or upset.
