Best Year, Worst Year: Winning at Work While Your Personal Life’s a Mess

In many ways, 2023 marked a professional high point for me. I was named the EY Entrepreneur of the Year Southeast , given the Phil Freelon Diversity, Equity, and Inclusivity Award , and, in November, we sold The Diversity Movement to Workplace Options. While all the accolades and awards were gratifying, 2023 was also one of the most difficult and challenging times of my life.??

Selling a business that you have founded and grown is always highly emotional. It was a great outcome coming at exactly the right time, yet the financial due diligence was painstakingly uncomfortable and stressful. And, while we were working to complete the sale, my dad was going through significant health issues. He had three surgeries over a three-month span, and I wasn’t sure if he would recover.?

My business life was great, yet in my personal life, the hits kept coming, and I was struggling to stay on my feet. It was simply my “Best Year, Worst Year.”?

The story behind the smile

Often you can be at the top of your game professionally, but behind the facade, you might be barely holding on. I’ve spoken to many executive leaders who can relate to this scenario, because when you have high-level responsibilities, you don’t have the luxury of falling apart.?

Unfortunately, nearly 1 in 10 men experience depression or anxiety, but less than half will seek treatment. The numbers are even starker as you move up the corporate ladder. Roughly half of senior executives report significant stress, according to a study published in the Harvard Business Review, with 20% experiencing high or extreme levels of stress. Yet, due to fears of stigma , societal pressure to “tough it out,” and potential career consequences, few executives get the help they need.?

Most leaders want to do the right thing for their employees and for everyone who depends on them. For some people those feelings manifest in a desire to “stay strong” and project an air of invulnerability, which actually closes them off from others when they need support the most. For me, that sense of duty helped push me to set my ego aside and get the support I needed to fulfill my responsibilities.?

Everyone needs help in a crisis

As I think about my Best Year, Worst Year, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to seek help from people who can offer professional guidance and support. Those who have employee assistance programs (EAPs) at work can access resources to work through a crisis. Over the years, I’ve faced a number of personal challenges, and I hope that sharing what I’ve learned will convince others to get the help they need, especially if you’re in a leadership position and face some of the problems I outlined above.?

1. Don’t try to solve things on your own. People who have strong relationships with their pastor or priest might find comfort in their guidance. I've found therapy to be a powerful solution, although I admit that I had to work through some of my internalized stigma at first. My learning journey began with acknowledging that if I had all the answers, I wouldn’t be in this particular situation.?

1. You're not the only one going through this. Personal issues and challenges have a way of making us feel alone in our struggles. Yet, facing a problem in silence only amplifies the issue, causing you to blame yourself and some imagined personal failing. The damage to your self-esteem and confidence might then bleed into other aspects of your life, snowballing into additional anxiety and stress. For example, a parent may be experiencing conflict with a teenager, and they might assume that they’re just a lousy parent. However, the friction could be a completely normal cycle of life.

1. Most things will pass. Most of the stressors in our lives can be managed or improved to some degree, and in many cases, the issue will come to some sort of conclusion. Certainly there are life and death issues, and the situation with my dad could have gone either way, but many circumstances aren’t at that level. My attempt to maintain a long-term perspective has helped me compartmentalize personal challenges over the years and prevented them from bleeding into my professional life. In fact, there have been times when my work has provided a therapeutic method to maintain my self-esteem and to focus on something that was going right. However, this has been my process. If you’re facing challenges, I urge you to find the help you need and develop a way to cope with them.

Your duty as a leader

My personal challenges over the years have also helped me become a more empathetic – and better – leader. Early in my career, I didn’t really consider how my feedback landed. I just wanted the problem fixed. I now realize that a harsh remark from me could be the emotional tipping point for someone.?

What I value now as an inclusive leader is building a workplace culture, alongside my colleagues, where we demonstrate empathy and care for each other. That doesn’t mean that I’ve lowered my standards or expectations, but I also don’t want to create unnecessary stress for my team or exacerbate the challenges that people are already facing. Today, my aim is to balance economic value and empathetic leadership.

I’m not going to pretend that becoming an inclusive leader is easy though, but it is a foundational aspect of how we need to transform with the times. Noticing the emotional status of other people is an additional weight for leaders, but it’s also an integral facet of our responsibility to our organization. Remember, you can be compassionate and still be results-oriented. It merely requires slowing down, checking in often, and really listening to your colleagues.

Workplace Options recently released the results from its psychological safety study across nine countries, revealing that one of the key stressors for employees no matter where they are in the world is their relationship with their manager. If we are seeing this concern come up again and again, then clearly, leaders are catalysts for the well-being of their team. The leader’s ability to relate to the diverse members of their team has a direct correlation on the positive feelings that people have at work – and ultimately, in their life.

Here’s an example of how I operationalize my inclusive leadership to be better. During one-on-one meetings with my team, I simply ask, “How are you doing?” This isn’t just a throwaway question, because I’m engaged with them as people and authentically care about their well-being. As a leader, if you don't ask, then you won’t have the opportunity to understand what may be going on below the surface. I'm not talking about being an amateur therapist or digging into people’s personal lives. Instead, I’m suggesting you cultivate a level of sensitivity that enables you to notice when people are working through things.?

Find your network of care

If you’re going through an issue that is beyond your ability to cope with, I want to offer my support and understanding. If you don’t have a relationship with a therapist, my first suggestion is to get in touch with someone at your company’s EAP. They can address your concerns or connect you with the help you need, whether that’s a mental health professional, financial counselor, or just a sympathetic ear. Other people may feel more comfortable reaching out to their church community or confiding in their spiritual leader. But if none of those options work for you, send me a message on LinkedIn. I don’t need to know the details, just enough to understand the situation, and I can point you in the right direction.?

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.

Now that some time has passed, and my father and my business are both doing well, I can’t help but look back on my Best Year, Worst Year and remember a significant moment of pure joy. The same day that we electronically signed the last few documents for the transaction with Workplace Options, I was with my dad. He had been discharged, and we were taking him home.

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