The Best way to say "No"

Saying "no" is hard. It is a much needed skill in the modern world as we juggle with multiple priorities and distractions. Recently I came across one fabulous example of it while reading the book - "Procrastinate on Purpose" by the writer, Rory Vaden. While reading this excerpt, I couldn't stop smiling about the persistence of the author, whose request was being rejected by another author with honesty and care. It is remarkable how how he is said 'no' to. While reading, I couldn't help wonder- " How amazing would it be if we all said no in a similar way to each other!" I would like to share it below. Hope you enjoy and learn from it, as I did!

THE EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK - "PROCRASTINATE ON PURPOSE"

On February 15, 2006, at 4:45 in the afternoon, I wrote an e-mail to one very famous author. I caught wind that he was not too far from the area where I was and so I requested a meeting with him. I knew it was a long shot, but I figured, What the heck!

On February 17, 2006, at 5:52 in the evening, I received my first rejection. It was not from the author personally but from a per son in their office. The thing that shocked me was not only did they respond to me, but responded rather quickly and pleasantly. I received two paragraphs with useful information, a redirection to additional resources, and it included uplifting language such “Thank you so much for your e-mail, which I have shared with ______.” And “although meeting with you at this time will unfortunately not be an option, ______ truly appreciates you taking the time to write, and deeply wishes you all the best.”

Well of course, I had to respond to that, so on February 18, 2006, at 12:27 p.m., I replied, thanking them for such a thoughtful and articulate response. This time I offered to come work for them—for free!

On Saturday, March 11, 2006, at 2:10 p.m., the author responded to me personally. I thought surely I was in! It was, however, another rejection. But this time it was personal. It made me feel really good that the author actually took the time to address me directly. And  yet again the language was so encouraging and uplifting.

Here is some of what it said: “Thank you for your e-mail and kind words . . . I sincerely appreciate your invitation to meet. Right now, I’ve promised [my spouse] that I will not add any discretionary get-togethers to my local schedule. My calendar has become so tight that I need to protect the increasingly limited time I have at home for family time. . . . I hope you can understand my need to do this.” Then once again I was directed toward helpful resources, and the letter closed with “I truly wish you all the best.”

I let it rest for a while.

Then in May 2008, I happened to be back in the same area and thought that enough time had passed that it would be good to approach this author again. And I thought perhaps they would be impressed that I had kept such detailed records of our initial encounters that when I requested another in-person meeting, I copied the entire original set of e-mail strings  all into the same e-mail—and one week later I got another response.

This time it was from a different person in the office. And this time . . .

Well, I was rejected again! The e-mail said, “______ is truly appreciative of all of your support and is encouraged by your consistent desire to meet. At this time, it is not a possibility because ______ is tied up in intensive research and writing of the next book. We hope and trust that your career is progressing along nicely and do keep us up to date!” At which point I thought to myself, Wow, these people sure know how to make a guy feel good—and still lay down a rejection!

On July 28, 2011, I had a surefire plan. I had just finished the manuscript for Take the Stairs for the deal I had secured with a major New York publisher. I was certain the author would appreciate not only that I was becoming a real author, and not only that I still had our entire correspondence history, but they would be honored that I asked for an author  endorsement.

So I sent an advance copy of Take the Stairs, along with our entire communication history and a short update of all I had been up to—and a request for a quick endorsement.

On August 18, 2011, I got a physical letter with a hand-written signature in the mail. It said:

Dear Rory,

Congratulations on writing your first book. I’m flattered that you would ask me to write an endorsement.

Rory, my practice on endorsements that I require of myself is that I become thoroughly acquainted with the ideas or that I personally know the author before deciding whether to endorse. This allows my endorsement to really *be* an endorsement, and enables me to make a thoughtful and credible comment, in the event that I do decide to endorse. Given  the backlog of commitments already on my plate, I’m afraid I lack the bandwidth to add another piece to the stack clamoring for my attention.

Having been through the adventure of writing, I fully appreciate the exhilaration, exhaustion and anxiety of publishing a book. I extend to you my warmest and best wishes for great success with Take the Stairs, and I hope you can understand.

Yours sincerely,

______

Man, I got told no and I loved it! Handwritten, custom-tailored, on thick letter stock . . . it was the best rejection ever!

Fast forward a little further . . .

On October 4, 2012, I was speaking in the very city where the author lives. At this point I was now a New York Times bestselling author.

______ has a copy of our entire e-mail communication, they’ve sent me a handwritten let letter, they have a copy of my book, and we were on the same bestseller list at the same time! This author now   knows   who I am; I’m sure of it.

After all these years, I am finally going to get a chance to meet this person. I send a note laying out two options. The first is to come watch me speak. The second is for me to come meet them anywhere they would like for just thirty minutes.

What happened?

I did not get to meet the author. But I also did not get a rejection letter, either.

This delightful young woman approaches me after my speech and says, “Rory, it’s really great to meet you. Unfortunately ______ could not come but did want me to stop by and send regards. ______ has read Take the Stairs and was rather impressed by it. Our entire office wishes you all the very best!”

This time, the author sent someone from their office physically to where I was speaking to turn me down . . . in person! What does this entire story prove?

Other than I’m incredibly persistent and that this person really doesn’t want to meet with me, it proves this: You can say no and still be nice!

This author has been rejecting me for seven years. Not to mention that it’s been via multiple media! And I love it. I’m more endeared to them than I ever have been before because of the way they are telling me no.

They are telling me no with honesty. They are telling me no with integrity. They are telling me no with class. And they are clearly telling me no.

They aren’t misleading me. They aren’t lying to me. They aren’t making me wrong. They aren’t getting mad or annoyed at me. And that makes me feel like they aren’t really rejecting me; they just don’t have time to meet.

And I’m fine with that. I can appreciate that. Heck, I’m taking lessons from it!