The best seat in the Viennese coffee shop

Have you ever been in a Viennese?coffee?house??

If you ever have you'll know that the waiters wear jackets with tails, white waistcoats and bow ties?because Coffee?is?serious?in Vienna. This isn't fun baristas who know your first name territory. These are waiters in actual morning suits.

They?don't smile, these Waiters.?If they're exceedingly jolly, they'll have a twinkle in their eye or slightly upturned mouth edges but never any?teeth on show.?Definitely no laughing or merrymaking of that sort.

When you walk into a?Viennese coffee?house, you'll notice all the?best?tables -?you know, the corner tables or the nice little window booths all have little plates on them saying?reserviert?(reserved). All the time.

You could sit your whole?coffee?out on a tiny chair and table that barely have space for your?coffee?and water, never mind a book or your laptop -??and as you leave,?notice that the?reserviert?tables (there could be several) don't get?used at all?while you're there.

It's because they're not really?reserviert, they're simply being held?under the control of the waiter,?because they want to be sure that every patron entering knows that they, the Waiters are in charge of the domain that is their?coffee?house.

When I figured out that in Vienna, reserved doesn't?really?mean reserved, I started?asking for the?reserviert?table.

Waiters don't like it that I do this.

And still I (almost) always get the reserviert table.

Why?

Because I can stand?the waiter's annoyance at my impudence to ask for the table that would be much more comfortable to sit at and will often be empty anyway. I break the unspoken rule that says waiters get to decide who sits at a table and when and that I as a customer must defer to his 'preferences'. I don't think this is a good enough reason to not have room for my laptop and book at a table when there's a lovely one beside me that's going to stay empty.

Of course, if a waiter tells me that he has a standing customer who will most likely come in and he'd like that table, I absolutely respect that. To not do so, would be obnoxious.

But I'm also ok with?my discomfort?at being told that and so I ask...on the off chance that it might be free. When it is, I love it. If there's someone with me, they love it too...even when they were visibly put out as I asked (perfectly politely) if I could sit there.

Why do you need to know this??

This doesn't only hold true in Viennese coffee shops. It's true in any situation where your discomfort at another person's discomfort / irritation / annoyance makes you comply with the instruction explicit in their annoyance - 'stop asking me that', 'I don't know the answer so don't push it'...

And I think that if you want it, then you should ask for it - if you feel you are deserving of the request you're making.

(If you feel undeserving, you will bolt at the first whisper of discomfort).

In any negotiation?or?agreeing of positions, the person who 'wins' is the person who is willing to be ok with the other person's discomfort - longest.

In order to be ok with someone else's discomfort, you have to be clear on?your?position.

My position on the Coffee shop's best tables is that the Waiters play games with them and I've no problem as a paying customer asking for one of them if I have a hunch it's free.

In any discussion, negotiation or even exchange of views, the extent to which you are unclear about your position will ability or otherwise to tolerate someone else's discomfort at what you have to say.

Are you sufficiently supportive of your own position to tolerate someone else's discomfort with your position?

Once you are clear on what you really think - once you have your own back on what you're asking for and why - being ok with someone else's discomfort is just part of the exchange.

I see people going to astonishing lengths to avoid other people's discomfort. Causing themselves huge discomfort because they prioritised someone else's preference to do things a particular way.

Do you do this?

If yes, the solution is teaching yourself how to form your view - completely and cleanly - ahead of time.?

This is what I teach and coach on, in my small group membership programme - Fearless Conversations.

You're invited to join us. The next round starts on April 26th. All information is here.