The Best Leaders Help You Fit In.

Jordan Catalano, My So Called Life.

Agent Dale Cooper & Audrey Horne, Twin Peaks.

Gonzo, Muppet Babies.

Andrea Zuckerman, Beverly Hills, 90210.

Growing-up in the 90s on a diet of US television, these TV characters were the ones I loved the most.

The outliers.

Memorable, because they didn’t fit in... didn’t want to fit in! Attractive because they moved to a rhythm only they could hear.

They didn’t follow the crowd and yes, that often landed them in hot water or caused a bit of heartbreak, but that only made them more interesting. ?These were people writing their own stories; they instinctively knew what would fit and what wouldn’t... they walked a different path… and they didn’t sweat it, either.

Mainstream culture really celebrated outliers in the 1990s.

These days, another US drama that is having an impact is The Bear, from FX.? An incredible piece of drama, acted with intensity and honesty; it’s so authentic it feels like a documentary at times.

Amongst the brilliant cast of characters, one really stands out.

Richie.?

Ebon Moss-Bachrach gives an astounding performance presenting this mid-40s, blue-collar man in such a way that we feel exasperated, angry, sad, hopeful and concerned all at the same time.

Richie is untethered from his life, and the way Moss-Bachrach plays him makes me cry most episodes.

Richie’s story got me thinking about the relationship between fitting-in and leadership.?

Towards the end of the second series, he starts to come good.? He wears a suit because it makes him feel better. ?He finally ‘gets’ what’s going on around him.? Somehow, through all the drudgery and defeat and self-doubt he discovers his purpose… and he’s excited by it: he’s finally got something to get up for.

In one episode, Richie makes an apology to another character with whom he has frequently argued with.? He tells her he is truly sorry for upsetting her.? He explains that he was the way he was because he didn’t know where he belonged, he didn’t know what he was good at or how to find out, so he kept forcing himself into places and situations in the hope that something would stick.

On the show, Richie’s journey is about trying to find your place in a world that won't show you;? from his point of view, everyone else seems to have it licked.? Richie, unlike my 90s icons, wants to fit in.? And unlike my 90s icons, he exists in a world where walking your own path is often lonely and unforgiving.

In the 90s, we were presented with a world where people were okay with not fitting in, where walking your own path was an attractive option that led to freedom, creativity and good times.? Fast forward 30 years, and in this third decade of the 21st century, that most unsettling of questions, where do I fit in??definitely feels more pervasive in our culture.

Like Richie, it feels as though being on ‘the outside’ is a confusing space, and the desire for connection has never felt more vital... particularly in the workplace, which is where most of the action in The Bear takes place.

This week, a conversation I enjoyed having focused on the difference between leading and managing.

We understand that good managers are essential.? They hold us to account,?they are the guiderails that keep us on track: constant, consistent and reliable; they provide safety and support.

Good leadership is different.

Seen and experienced, a good leader is someone who sees past the limits of the current situation. A good leader is someone with the ability to imagine what could be; they see what others can’t, and they draw-out what's possible in a way that is safe yet exhilarating, new yet somehow always known.

Good leadership is not directive or manipulative, good leaders don’t try to make things the way they want them to be, don’t cling to desired outcomes, expectations and biased thinking, instead they serve the unique situation and their people, so that what happens is what needed to happen. Good leaders empower people to boldly and bravely be themselves by creating an environment of safety, belonging and purpose. Situations and challenges may vary, but their presence is constant and their belief is unfaltering; Daniel Coyle's book 'The Culture Code' is essential reading/listening in this department:

In hard times, people don’t want to be told to look on the bright side, they want to know you’re on their side.?

It’s what happens to Richie in The Bear.? He discovers he has people on his side.? Which means he ‘gets it.’

The people in his life couldn’t help him feel better, they couldn’t change who he was and what he has done, and they knew that walking his own path wasn’t helping him either. ??But they did make him feel seen.

And that’s what good leaders always do.

They make us feel seen.

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