Best Friends Forever... Or Not?

Sometimes the friends we choose are friends for life, but that's not always the case. So what is the psychology behind friendship? We initially tend to be drawn to people who feel familiar to us, and subconsciously believe that people who are of a similar level of attractiveness to us are more like us in our values and attitudes.?

As we grow older and experience different connections through work, sport, location and social activities, we grow unique opportunities to connect with new people. And though we may get along wonderfully with many people in these settings, we still gravitate towards certain people for different reasons.

For example, two individuals on different attractiveness levels may bond at work through their sense of humour, behaviours, or just ‘get’ each other — and grow a strong friendship bond that defies the matching attractiveness phenomenon. Shared vulnerability and the ability of each friend to know the right response when the other is revealing their problems or worries, grows friendships closer.?

A huge deciding factor in whether best friendships will last is having values that match. If individuals have core values which are not the same, then the connection will fall away.?

Do Opposites Attract?

Opposites can be drawn into a friendship, but opposing views and beliefs often cause disagreements and clashes between the two parties. We prefer to be friends with people who have similar beliefs, behaviours and interests as we do.

Do women make stronger connections than men?

When it comes to making best friends for both genders, the main difference is about the length of time it takes to cultivate a strong bond between best friends, rather than 'men versus women' in being more closely connected.

Traditionally for men, they are conditioned to not show as much emotion and vulnerability. This means that they take a longer time to feel comfortable about sharing their deepest, darkest secrets than women do. With men, best friendships may be slower to form but their bond can be just as strong as it is between women besties.

Research has shown that in general, women are more social and emotional in their interactions with others than men are. This skill of communication enables them to form deeper connections faster with other women. Because they are able to share their problems and secrets in a shorter timeframe, women may form genuine best friend connections with each other more quickly than men. However, both genders can form the same depth of the deepest of bonds.?

What can cause best friends to fall out?

The challenges in maintaining best friendships can be varied. Moving away from each other can diminish the bond over time, as research shows that being social on a consistent basis with the ability to connect in person is important in keeping the closeness of the friendship.?

The pandemic has affected the closeness of many friendships because it was more difficult to catch up in person, and different beliefs regarding vaccination for covid has widened the gap between friends when they have opposing views.?

Altered beliefs, personal growth, new interests and new friends can all have an impact on the closeness you feel for your bestie after years of living in different cities or countries. Although when you do catch up in person, you may easily slip straight back into that shared closeness; a lack of shared memories in recent times can weaken bonds.

Long-term best friends fall out when their values change. As we grow and experience different life events, alter beliefs or realize that we are no longer the same person we were as were in our teens and twenties; what used to be important can change dramatically.

For example, a client of mine had a very close friendship for over thirty years. She came to realize that each time she saw this friend, she felt frustrated rather than elevated after every encounter.?

By stepping back to become the observer and examining of their friendship to gain clarity on what was wrong, she learned that their once shared value of self-love had disappeared. Her friend was stuck in victim mode, whereas she was on the path of personal growth and self-love. This caused their values to become different, and with the understanding that ‘proximity is power’, she made the difficult decision to step away from the friendship.

Does the loss of a friend cause grief?

When we lose a best friend there definitely can be a period of time where we grieve for the friendship. Losing the one person that we confided in and had the ability to be there for us in all situations can cause us to feel as sad as if we had lost a spouse or family member. We also lose the dream of doing things together that we had envisioned for the future.?

However, if the friendship has been dissolved through the realization that the connection is no longer aligned with us – for example if our values or beliefs have drastically changed and we consciously choose to step away from the friendship, then the period of grief is lessened. We still mourn the loss of connection but understand that they have chosen to travel a different path than us and let go with love — still wishing them all the best on their life journey.

5 Top Tips on managing close friendship connections:

? Make a consistent effort to catch up in person regularly

? Spend time together doing things that you have a shared interest in

? Consistently share life’s problems, wins and losses with each other

? Intimacy and reciprocity are key in maintaining close friendships

? Offer support through listening, advice and practical help to be there for each other when it really counts? ?