The Best Conversation in the World

I was on a technical support call with someone who was trying to help me troubleshoot and figure out why my email address wasn't working. She was looking something up, so there was silence on the phone, and I just thought to ask her, “Do you like your job?” 

She kind of laughed and said, “Well, there are parts of it that are okay.”

And I said, “But if you could be spending most of your day doing something else, would you?” 

And she said “Yes.” 

I said, “What would you be doing? What would you rather do than be on the phone all day long?”

And she kind of laughed and said, “I would like to be a human concierge.” 

She then described how much she truly enjoys helping people, supporting people with whatever it is they want or need to do. No matter what it is they need help with, she just likes making people's day better. Obviously there a lot of constraints in her job, a lot of things she doesn't get to decide about how she helps people.

So we got into this conversation about her technical support job and what she would prefer to be doing, and maybe 15 minutes passed. I think these calls are actually recorded, so I hope she doesn't get in trouble for speaking with me that long! I couldn't turn away once she told me that she would love to be helping people more directly, perhaps in some form of self-employment. 

I just wanted to help her right then and there, figure out how she could do this thing that I could hear in her voice. This is what she really wanted to do. She wanted to help people in an unfettered way. 

I have had this conversation with hundreds and hundreds of people over the last few decades because it's something I am fascinated by. I love to talk to people about what they love to do, about what matters most to them. And yet, the vast majority of people are not actually doing the thing they feel called to do. And I've always wondered, why is that? 

Most people, including me, become anxious and fearful when they begin to take the actions that most brings them to life. I have a theory about why this is.

When you think about it, when you are a kid, it would never occur to you to do anything but go after the thing that is most interesting to you. All the things you're doing are the things that you're most curious about, that you most want to explore or learn or master. Human beings are hard-wired to move toward the things that make them feel the most alive. If you have kids, you know this is true. And if you can think back to what life was like for you as a kid, you might even be able to remember that free spirited sense you had and that willingness to risk and explore and try things. 

Of course, right alongside of that, there's this thing called practicality. This idea of what is “practical” is a big part of what I hear in conversations with adults when I ask, “What would you really like to be doing?” People are hesitant even to put language to it because they feel that it's not practical, and to speak about what's not practical is a waste of time. Maybe it is even taboo to say, “I would just love to be doing my watercolor art and selling those and making a living doing it.” I had a conversation with a woman who is in her fifties, who is a very successful master architect. When it got right down to what she would like to be doing, she said she would like to be painting and selling her paintings. 

I have conversation after conversation with people who are involved and engaged in some form of work that “pays the bills” and is a practical thing to do for money, while at the same time they're turning away from, avoiding, or ignoring the thing that lights them up. But if you can get someone to speak about what they love, there is a difference in their voice, the way they speak, the manner in which they're holding themselves. Their eyes light up, their face comes alive, their whole tone and mood shifts when someone starts talking about the thing that they love. These are my favorite conversations, because my experience is that when someone speaks from that place, I come to life, too.

I'm no exception and also worry whether or not I've got permission to be bold, or I'm going to be judged or criticized by others.

I recently started a podcast and I’m recording and publishing one podcast a day and have been for 20 days now. It is simultaneously the most enlivening thing I’ve done in years as well as the most anxiety producing, exactly because I care about it and that produces vulnerability.

What really feels needed now to me are community gatherings, online or in person, where doing what matters most is the focus of our dialogue. I feel it’s critical that we gather together to light a fire under each other and hold each other accountable to living in this way—which may sound stock and corny to say, but—to live your best life. Or maybe even more to the sad point, to live our most secret life.

What if the thing that was most important to us wasn’t the very last thing we divulged about ourselves, but instead, was the thing we expressed and put action toward each and every day?

That idea inspires me.