The Best Career Advice I Got From RBG
I often draw inspiration for writing from my long walks. Such was the case today while I was walking my grandson through the park. I overheard two young girls:
Girl #1: “Ugh, my post has only 78 likes”
Girl #2: “You might have to delete it if it doesn’t get over 100 soon”
As I walked away I shook my head and thought to myself, this obsession with feedback on social media these days can’t be good for kids’ self-esteem.
I thought about this for a few minutes and then realized the hypocrisy of my feelings.
As a relatively new coach and blogger, I too have fallen prey to closely monitoring the pattern of likes and comments regarding my posts. During the past few weeks, I have found myself periodically logging on to my LinkedIn site for a quick ego fix. I must confess the fluctuating patterns of views and comments have had me thinking from time to time, “Am I losing momentum? Am I not choosing relevant topics? Is my writing poor?”
Clearly, I was becoming too aware of the opinions, both positive and negative, of others.
Now, you might be wondering, what does this all have to do with career advice from RBG?! “I am getting there…”.
When I returned home from the walk, my wife rushed downstairs to my office and said, “I just read one of the best articles providing career advice…and, it is about RBG. You must read it”.
Not one to ignore a command from the boss, I got busy with reading this article and realized all at once, it was speaking to me loud and clear!
Four years ago, Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote an article in the New York Times in which she offered her advice for living. It came from her wise mother-in-law on her wedding day 56 years ago. "In every good marriage," she counseled, "it helps sometimes to be a little deaf." She followed this advice through all those years of marriage, and also employed it in every workplace experience, including the Supreme Court.
RBG understood that while you should accept the counsel of other people, you must also have the confidence to filter out the opinions offered by others. You need to develop confidence in your own convictions because at the end of the day, that’s what makes you who you are. In absorbing the opinions and criticisms from others, it is important to keep these three things in mind:
Separate Facts from Emotion- Anyone who pursues ambitious goals (like being the second woman to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court) is going to hear some thoughtless or unkind words. To help yourself tune out those words, and implement Ginsburg's advice, it is best to remember a little trick. Whenever someone provides unfair criticism, ask yourself, "What are the facts here?" Set aside the other person's emotions (e.g., their anger, resentment, accusations, jealousy, etc.) and listen only to the facts.
Work on Becoming More Immune to Praise- At the end of day, we all want to be loved, appreciated and acknowledged. It is actually a deeply social need. We thirst for recognition. Getting a ton of likes, favorites, comments, views and other forms of social media love is like an addictive drug. It feels good for a while, but after a while if you don’t experience that rush, that “hit”, you can easily become agitated, frustrated and annoyed. When people praise you for you and your work, you simply can’t take their words too seriously. In his book, How to Love, Zen Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh says when you are negatively criticized by people you can say, “You are only partially right.” And, also when people praise you, you can also say, “You are only partially right.
Recognize the Pattern of External Ego Gratification- It is important to recognize how often and why you are looking to people or something external to give you a lift. Looking to people to provide an emotional lift in your emotions is temporary and does nothing for developing a stronger sense of self and pride. Focus on new ways to feel good that do not heavily rely on external feedback from people around you. Like any skill, this takes motivation, time, and practice, but the more you do it, the easier and more intuitive it becomes. Give yourself permission to feel good.
You may already feel that, “I don’t really care what other people think,” but, if there is this small part of you that gets excited when someone likes a photo you took, or a quote you posted, an article you wrote, or presentation you crafted, and you feel a hit of validation for every person who gave you a like, then are you truly a little deaf to what people think? You may believe you are immune to criticism, but you are also controlled by the cravings for praise.
We all struggle with not putting too much emphasis on the opinions of others but becoming a little deaf at times will help you to become more content and secure with who you really are.