.best before 45

A couple of weeks ago I had a chat with my female friend from high school about how we feel a little scared our beauty will fade and we'll suddenly become invisible.

I have my insecure teens and 20s way behind me, so I'm not assigning my value to my beauty, but it's an undeniable fact how female sexuality and vigour is perceived and valued, first thing. (Extreme feminists get angry with me in 3...2...1). That does not render so true for men.

I haven't done any surgical or hardcore interventions (only Fraxel laser once every few years), but I know many of my female friends already have been pumping botox in their faces to 'prevent wrinkling'. I know they're scared of aging more, than an eight year old me of a clown, that is waiting under my bed to grab my leg the moment I uncover it out of the duvet (ok, I'm still afraid of it ??).

Matter over mind or mind over matter?

The other day, while strolling with another girl friend, I locked eyes with an elderly woman peering from her window. I realised that in some years, it will be me standing in that window, looking with nostalgia at other young people.

It was just a brief moment, so I wasn't able to catch it on the camera (and even if I did, it wouldn't be a full picture of a situation anyway), but it was very profound. Maybe it was just my projection of my thoughts, or maybe it was a mix of both.

I still can't get my head around with the fact that people born past 2006 are now full adults. I remember when Sesame Street muppets were telling us there will be flying cars in 2000. Where are these, Elmo?

Check, Mate.

And I'm not saying to focus on the beauty, far from it. I like mental challenges. Childhood troubles and being abandoned by my father at the ripe age of 3 months, made me want to prove myself rather than sticking to finding a man in finance, trust fund, 6.5, blue eyes (Ps. Guys in tech are so much better :).

I'm just noticing how time flies and we have only one life (at least now, since we can't yet transfer our consciousness onto a new body/shell), so we better make it count.

Despite of my silly optimistic self, I just want us to get realistic about the world we're living in, and how we, especially women, should bend its rules and natural inclinations to our advantage. Sometimes it's ok to leave the other party to downplay your smarts. Attack them where they least expect us to attack. You know your worth, and that's what counts.

Want numbers?

Research does indicate a correlation between attractiveness and various measures of success, particularly for women. For example;

• A study by Hamermesh and Biddle (1994) found that attractive people earn about 5% more than average-looking people, who in turn earn 5-10% more than below-average looking people. A study by the very same Hamermesh (2011) estimated that an attractive worker in the US might earn $230,000 more over a lifetime than an unattractive worker.
• Hosoda et al. (2003) conducted a meta-analysis showing that attractiveness was positively related to various job-related outcomes, including hiring decisions and performance evaluations. Frieze et al. (1991) research suggests a (surprise, surprise!) stronger effect for women and their income.
• And then Kanazawa & Kovar (2004) research states that “Physical attractiveness is significantly correlated with general mental ability, which is itself a strong predictor of job performance and occupational level attained”.

This is also hurting us.

But not to make it too easy, attractive women often face a "beauty penalty" in male-dominated fields, perceived as less competent (Johnson et al., 2010). Heilman and Stopeck (1985) found that attractive women were perceived as less qualified for managerial positions compared to unattractive women or men, highlighting the complexity of beauty standards for professional women.

So what do some do? They rage against it to the extremes.

It's not you vs. them.

Nothing in extremes is good for us as an individual and the society. Eating in moderation. Consuming media in moderation. Working in moderation.

I don't believe in us vs. them camps, where we're making ourselves as a victim of a society, instead of fostering communication, finding common goals and showing our worth through actions.

While the #MeToo movement was crucial in addressing widespread issues, its impact has been complex. Some individuals, driven by various motives including revenge, took the message to extremes. Many of my male colleagues told me, they now won't offer genuine compliments to coworkers, fearing potential accusations of sexual harassment.

The raise of age-positive cynics.

So you hate the establishment and want to challenge the status quo, yet you still buy collagen-loaded anti-wrinkle creams (even though human skin's pores are too small for the collagen molecules to pass). Because you're worth it (but only if you buy L'Oreal). Despite this ineffectiveness of many anti-aging products, the industry continues to grow, fuelled by societal pressure and marketing tactics that prey on our insecurities. The global anti-aging market is projected to reach $422.8 billion by 2030 (Allied Market Research, 2021).

Campaigns like Dove's Real Beauty and the rise of age-positive influencers indicate a shift in beauty standards. Yet, The Dove campaign and the likes are ultimately trying to sell more of their products and one could argue that many of the chemical drugs including shampoo are artificially engineered needs for people (most would be perfectly fine to not wash their hair.)

As Klein (2013) notes;

"These campaigns co-opt the language of empowerment while still promoting consumption as a path to self-esteem."

Ironically, Dove and other beauty giants are exploiting 'Real Beauty' campaigns by latching onto AI-generated beauty phenomenon. Just add "Dove" into the prompt, and you'll get the 'real' beauty. That's cute, but in my opinion it is just another promotional slogan. Feel good advertising is one thing, and the operation of a company, where AI work is boiling over is another.

The rise of "age-positive influencers" is similarly complex. While they challenge some norms, they often promote anti-aging products or procedures, reinforcing the idea that aging needs to be combated. What gives?

Work with what you've got.

And yes, there is a lot of bullshit and double standards. While social media has given rise to some body-positive movements, it has also intensified beauty pressures. Sometimes, from the very same group that wished it wasn't the way it is.

A meta-analysis by Grabe et al. (2008) found that exposure to media depicting thin ideal body images is linked to increased body dissatisfaction in women. Fredrickson and Roberts' (1997) objectification theory posits that constant exposure to beauty standards leads to self-objectification, anxiety, and depression in women.

But this is a whole another topic that needs a separate post.

As Parker told?Vogue,

“There’s so much misogynist chatter in response to us that would never. Happen. About. A. Man. ‘Gray hair, gray hair, gray hair. Does she have gray hair?’”

It shouldn't be the centre of our conversation nor something we should bother our minds, yet it often is. So how to escape it?

Know your worth

The hard truth about beauty and relevance is that our society still places an inordinate value on physical attractiveness. Beauty bias is real and impactful, often leading to preferential treatment in various aspects of life, from our career opportunities to social interactions.

This beauty premium, however, is not eternal. For women especially, it diminishes rapidly with age, reflecting deeply ingrained societal biases that link female value to youth and fertility. Hence, if we want to remain relevant in our capitalist society need to speak its language: money and power.

Once you accept the reality as it is, you can work on factors that you do have control or influence on. Nothing is sexier than a confident, smart and a self-sufficient woman.

But it's not just about money. It would be meaningless, otherwise. Ultimately, while beauty can open initial doors, it's your skills, achievements, and economic power that will keep those doors open for you and create new opportunities.

So, just like Steve Nicks once said:

Don't be lady. Be a legend.