Best Advice: If You Presume and Assume You Lose

The other day I needed to stop by the grocery store to pick up a few items. I've always believed that some retail stores are great for observing the creatures of our society in their natural habitat. And this trip to the store did not disappoint!

It was unusually crowded. And with little room to freely navigate the shopping cart, people marched in single file lines as if stuck in Los Angeles traffic. I had the pleasure of being stuck behind two middle age mommies who were definitely mean girls in high school and had the potential to develop into gossiping grannies in the future.

These women were dishing dirt on everyone from their filthy neighbor to the random passerby in the store. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop on the conversation, but they blasted their business as if they had bullhorns built into their vocal chords. According to their conversation, one of them recently had breast augmentation surgery. So at peak volume, they decided to have an inappropriately vulgar discussion about size, shape, and firmness of “the girls” while detailing new private experiences with their spouses. Imagine all of this in a public place filled with children. Other customers, specifically parents, gave them the death stare as they tried to rush by before their children heard the conversation.

The longer we lingered in his human traffic jam, the louder and more vulgar the conversation. Then, as we rounded a corner to another section, we could hear a man exclaim, “Nice rack!” The women blew up like fireworks on New Year's Eve.

Woman 1 – “How dare you objectify women like that”.

Woman 2 – “What do you mean nice rack? My eyes are up here!”

Chorus of Cackling – Men are scum. You are scum.

Taken off guard, one of the men tried to calm the women down.

He asked, “Ma'am what is the problem”?

She explained, “The problem is you and you are a pig!”

He further engaged the idiots by asking, “How are we pigs?”

The next minute or so was a complete blur. I only remember yelling, finger-pointing and cursing while the young man maintained a dumbfounded look on his face.

An employee who witnessed the entire incident stepped in to diffuse the situation before it escalated further. Turns out the gentlemen were looking to purchase a rack of some kind of meat (lamb or whatever) and had no knowledge of the women’s conversation. The two women never found this out because they were removed from the store before they could cause any more trouble.

I was fortunate to have witnessed this incident. It reminded me of a valuable lesson I learned as a child. Some of the #BestAdvice I received was from my grandmother. My grandmother used to say, “If you assume, you lose”. These women assumed the young men were talking to and/or about them. They took offense and over reacted (and overreacted) prematurely. As a result, they were thrown out of the store.

I recently made some assumptions at work and was wrong. And similar to the women, there were consequences. Fortunately assumption and presumption are not normal character traits for me. So hopefully I'll be able to recover from my mistake. Everyone makes mistakes and I believe we can use them as learning opportunities.

I'm very thankful to have learned this life lesson long ago, even though I did not follow it in one recent incident. As children, we are naturally curious. We ask a lot of questions sincerely. I believe the older we get, the more we presume and assume. Most of the time, it is harmless. We have life experience to draw upon to reach conclusions. And oftentimes those experiences cause us to react before assessing situations. But, you never know what someone else is thinking unless you ask. So my workplace mistake and the grocery store incident made me wonder, what are some steps that can be taken to presume and assume less?

What follows are a few things I believe we can do to become more informed people (presume, assume and lose less).

1. ASK QUESTIONS, DON'T QUESTION PEOPLE

There's a difference between asking questions and questioning people. When the ladies asked the young man, “What do you mean nice rack?”, that really was not a question. She was clearly accusing him of something. She was questioning the young man (you know like a police detective) to confirm what she already “knew”. Asking questions is done openly, objectively, and sincerely. Questioning people is done like a lawyer in a court trial. If we learn to ask questions we open up dialogue with others instead of invoking emotional irrational responses.

 2. SEEK THE TRUTH

Everyone is selfish. Even the most giving person you know initially approaches issues from a selfish place. This is our inherent nature as humans. We all must work to suppress our selfish nature. And that is what distinguishes the selfish from the semi-selfish. And when dealing with other people, we tend to think first about ourselves. We forget that there are always three types of truths. There is YOUR truth, THEIR truth, and THE truth.

Most of us operate continuously in “YOUR” (my) truth mode. Getting to THE truth takes a lot of work. Setting aside selfishness is difficult and most of the time we are just not up for the task. But self discovery can be amazing. Often times we might learn that we are wrong, or we may learn something new about ourselves, or we may learn something new and different about others.

When you only live in YOUR truth and not THE truth, you are living a life that is an incomplete story. Allowing yourself to live an incomplete story makes you completely lost.

Getting to THE truth stops you from presuming, assuming and losing.

3. BE OPEN (HEART, MIND, EARS)

Preventing presumption requires an open heart, mind and ears. We must be open to listening to other people’s point of view. Our minds must also be open to the possibility that we might be wrong. And our hearts must be open to forgive ourselves or others when and/or if necessary. It is very easy to build walls, overreact, and respond prematurely and/or immaturely when interacting with others. Combat the urge to defend your position and deflect your accountability. Theoretically, it’s quite simple…SHUT UP and LISTEN sincerely. Seeking the truth brings context and clarity to your life. Don't let your life be a series of misunderstandings because of your stubbornness and inability to be open.

CONCLUSION

There’s an old saying that goes “You know what you do when you assume”. If you’ve never heard it, look it up to find out what it means. If you know what it means, don’t be a donkey.

Had they been open, these future gossiping grannies had the opportunity to ask questions while seeking the truth. The situation could have ended with a good laugh about the misunderstanding. In my workplace mistake, had I simply asked the right question, I would have had a different outcome. I’m not sure if these ladies will learn anything from their situation, but I sure did. I’m sure I’ll have more failures, but hopefully the successes will outweigh the failures on my life scale.

Don’t live your life without having the full perspective on situations. You lose out in the end. Ask questions, seek the truth and be open.

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About the Author

I am an advocate for better business environments. In my day job as an auditor, I have helped companies save millions while reducing redundancies. As an author, speaker and trainer, I hope to do my part in improving people, processes and profits.

If you like my writing and work in a business setting, check out my new book, Business Bullcrap - Craptacular Counterproductive Practices that Kill Cultures and Pummel Profits.

All comments are my personal opinion and may not reflect past, current or future employer opinions.

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