Bereavement & Compassion Care

Today is my first day back at the office. Losing my mother to lung cancer has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. But I realized that my grief actually started five years ago, when she was diagnosed at stage 4. This is what experts call “anticipatory grief” - The feeling of loss that comes when we know that death is inevitable and imminent. I tried to stay positive but in the back of my mind I knew how this was going to end and I knew that my mothers life was to be unfairly cut short.

Before you tell me this is not the place to share this type of content, hear me out. I am not an expert on trauma or grief, nor a HR professional, but I think it is vital to have open conversations in the workplace about bereavement leave and flexible working arrangements for caregivers. The truth is, you never think about these things until they happen to you.

Did you know bereavement leave in Canada is only 10 days of unpaid leave? And you only get paid for the first three days if you have worked for your employer for at least three consecutive months. Based off what I've read, this changes at the provincial level as well. This means that you have less than two weeks to deal with all the practical and emotional aspects of losing a loved one. In my honest opinion, this is not enough time to:

• ??Arrange the funeral, cremation and/or memorial service,
• ??Notify everyone who needs to know (conversations are exhausting),
• ?? Settle the affairs of the deceased, such as returning medical equipment, medications, signing and filling of documents, tying up loose ends with your medical staff and/or palliative care team,
• ??In addition to all this if you are the executor to the deceased will, it’s a whole other gaggle of responsibilities (be kind and patient with the executors),
• ??Support other family members and friends who are grieving,
• ??Process your own loss and feelings.

People deserve time and space to grieve, and they deserve to do so without worrying about their finances. I had a lot of anxiety around how I would cope if I had to return to work sooner than I was ready. I was fortunate enough to qualify for Short Term Disability (STD) and I was able to take the four weeks I felt I NEEDED. But I know that many people do not have this option and I sit here now wondering, why not?

Grief is a complex and unpredictable process that does not follow a linear path. It does not go away with time, but rather we learn how to carry it and cope with it. It has been only four weeks since my mother’s passing and l have cried every day. The waves of sorrow, anger, regret, and loneliness come and go. Sometimes they hit me when I least expect it. So, let's normalize taking sick days for "mental health days" when we need them. As I said, grief is not linear so some non-consecutive days off would be beneficial to those who are grieving.

People are generally uncomfortable with grief, even though everyone will experience it at some point. This discomfort affects how we treat ourselves and others who are grieving. As I give myself the space to navigate this grief, I wonder what it would look like if all companies created a compassionate and empathetic work environment around bereavement and caregiving. What if more employers gave their employees the support they needed to work effectively while grieving? What would that look like? How would that FEEL? How could that positively impact the companies bottom line?

Again, for me - It looked like having a minimum of four weeks off and then a? gradual part-time re-entry back to the office. It would also look like having regular check-ins with my leaders and colleagues to see how I am managing my workload and my well-being. What would it look like for you? How would you want to be treated by your employer and colleagues? If you are an employer or a leader in Canada, have you made any changes to your bereavement and compassion care policies? I would love to hear from you and learn from your experiences. Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comments section below ??. Sending you virtual hugs and a gentle reminder to “be kind and gentle to yourself”.