Bereavement

The most famous speech in As You Like It of William Shakespeare is?the Seven Ages of Man. It begins

'All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances' (Act 2, Scene 7).

When we live in this world, we all know that death is a part of our life. One day we need to experience the death by ourselves when our time of existence is finished.

Recently I lost my father. He was my first love who taught me many life lessons by being a role model. In real life, I was a daddy’s girl. There are plenty of people around us who had witnessed the bond and the relationship we had each other as daughter and father.

So, this month I will share my ideas about bereavement.

Bereavement can be simply mentioned as the grief, loss and the mourning experience that you have following the death of a loved one who is near and dear to you. All of us experience this at different parts of our life time. Whether it is a child, parent, spouse, friend or any other relative, the death of a loved one can be one of the painful experiences in life where you need to have the courage to experience the reality.

In my case, I was in so much pain which I completely did not show to the entire world. Yet, I know that pain will cease with time. On the other hand, I understood the harsh reality of life’s uncertainty through Buddhism. So, I looked at healthy ways of coping bereavement even though I know that life be never be same again without my father. Normally, the impact of the loss is greater if the particular person has acted as a significant role on your life.

Coping the loss is different to each individual as everybody responds differently. Your personality, the support systems you have around yourself, your health and well-being are some of the factors that come into my mind. Even time taken to heal from the loss is different from person to person.

You honestly cannot judge the person’s grief state by the way they react to the loss. Hope you have seen that some people express the pain through crying whereas others never shed a tear. Honestly, I had no regrets as I have done my very best to make him proud as a daughter. But there was an overflow of emotions covering me with disbelief, sadness, shock, denial as well as confusion. As a counsellor who has helped students to overcome their grief of loved ones, I knew these feelings are normal as you try to be more mindful about the scenario. Hence, I too accepted my feelings and controlled them by having relevant conversations with the relatives, friends, colleagues who had come to pay last respect to my father.

Death of my father was a serious reminder to my life to rediscover my purpose as a human being. I started to slow down and enjoy the tranquility without rushing into deadlines. After a week, I was back in action by living my own life embracing the new life without my father by my side. Moving on with the normal lifestyle does not mean that I have completely forgotten my father. Now I am much more careful about my own health too.??

Moving forward with life without a father was challenging but I started to look at the future with a tinge of optimism. Even my six-year-old daughter mentioned that, she will definitely live with the happy memories of her grandfather in the future as he is no more. I know me and my family members will take some time to adapt to the new living conditions after the loss.

If you cannot handle the grief single handedly, then do not hesitate to seek help. Because you should not neglect your own health and welfare. The stress, intense emotions, trauma can impact many areas of your well-being such as your diet, sleeping patterns, immune system, mental health etc. in the long run. For a week, I postponed my lectures as I need to give myself room to adjust the loss. Massive patience then helped me to accept and absorb my changed life conditions. I think with patience, support and effort you will be able to face bereavement. One day the pains can be reduced by leaving happy memories of the dead person.

(This article originally appeared in Probe May 2023 issue)