The Benefit of Belonging

For ALL of my life, I’ve had a longing for belonging. I bet you have too. Our longing for belonging is hardwired into our DNA.

We crave belonging. Think about that -- you have a hunger to belong.

It's part of what it means to be human. Belonging is essential to our flourishing as human beings. 

However, as I reflect on my life journey, I realize that most of what I experienced wasn't belonging. It was something else. Something I labeled belonging, but it wasn't. 

In reality, it was a far cry from belonging. But it's hard to recognize a counterfeit if you haven't seen --in this case, experienced-- the authentic.

 In recent years I've invested a lot of time on the quest of belonging -- to understand it...and even more to explore and experience it.

As well as creating environments and hosting encounters that foster belonging.

 Earlier this week, I was reading some recent writings from my friend, Nilofer Merchant to explore and unpack in a conversation Nilofer was joining me in for This ExtraOrdinary Life Podcast. 

In one of her posts, I stumbled upon these words,

When we belong we become more of ourselves.

 That one line launched a train of thought -- so I boarded that train to see where those thoughts would take me.

 This particular train of thought is one I've ridden frequently in recent years. Sometimes alone with my thoughts, other times while savoring the words of friends and mentors, and often in conversation with others.

Several of those conversations included another friend, Paul Haury.

Paul and I have had several deep conversations about values -- my personal values and the values of This ExtraOrdinary Life Community -- a community I launched back in the Summer with my friend and collaborator, Christy Kern.

Stop One on this brief journey.

When we belong...

BELONG...

What has been your best experience of belonging?

When and where have you felt you belonged?

I wonder if you realize what I realized when pondering these questions.

Much of what I hoped for as belonging, in reality, was something else. Something less. Often much less. 

Fitting in.

Those times when there was a group. The “in-group”.

Whether it was at school, at work, or where you live (didn't want to use the word community as most of the places we now live are no longer communities -- but that's another post). 

The group had standards and norms...beliefs and behaviors. Maybe it was a way of dress. It might have included a way of talking (insider language). Maybe there was a code of conduct. Perhaps it even included ostracizing those that didn't fit...didn't 'belong' to your group.

Adherence to those standards and norms was the “basis of belonging”. At least, that's how you understood it. 

That's not belonging.

That's fitting in.

To fit in, you probably had to tune down, turn off, or even cut off some part(s) of you -- your true self to be accepted by the group. To 'belong' as that group defined belonging.

Belonging -- true belonging -- is a place of acceptance and welcome, not a place of compliance.

 Stop Two on this journey...

When we belong we become...

This thought took me back to a conversation with Paul. The one where we talked about acceptance as a value.

 The next morning I woke up early with this line on repeat in my mind.

ACCEPTANCE in service of BELONGING for the sake of BECOMING.

 We accept people so they BELONG. 

When we belong, we become.

 When and where you are free to belong, you are free to become. 

That's part of the beauty of belonging...it frees you to BECOME.

 Becoming is the essence of true growth. Becoming is the fruit of belonging. 

Becoming is not happens if you've substituted fitting in for belonging.

When we fit it, we conform.

 Conforming stifles becoming.

Stop Three on this short journey... 

What do we become in a place of belonging?

You got it...more of yourself. Your true self. Your most authentic self. 

When we belong we become more of ourselves. 

15 minutes after talking to Nilofer, I was in a conversation with Gina Bianchini, CEO and Founder of Mighty Networks.

This line emerged out of our conversation. It builds on this thought becoming.

Belonging to something BIGGER than ourselves that allows us to become our BETTER SELVES.

 When we belong to a vibrant community we become more of our self...our better self.

 My hope for you is that YOU find a place of BELONGING...so that you BECOME...more of your BETTER SELF.

Isn't that who you really want to become and be?

I believe it is.

 That's the benefit of belonging...becoming more of your better self.

 It's a worthwhile journey. I hope you are making it. If not yet, I hope you will launch out on now.

 If you don't have a place where you belong, maybe the community we are co-creating at This ExtraOrdinary Life is a place YOU BELONG.

 Come check us out as my guest.

And I welcome your thoughts and insights -- especially those birthed out of your experiences with belonging. My thoughts are always a work in progress. By thinking out loud and thinking together we think more clearly.