Beneath the Surface … The Problem with Quick Judgements and the Need for Greater Vulnerability

We never truly, fully know the people around us.

What’s behind the smiles?

The critical words

Or the seemingly relentless drive to be the best.

Recently a friend texted me to tell me about her mother’s passing.

Not unusual, except, I didn’t know this woman very well.

In fact, we hadn’t been in touch since before COVID (we clearly weren’t close).

So, I was a little surprised when she texted me with the news so shortly after it happened.

She’d recently reached out when she was visiting DC, my current home, and we’d met for dinner.

She seemed different.

Though perhaps it was me.

Or maybe I’d just judged her too quickly in the past and hadn’t really taken the time to get to know her.

After dinner, we said we’d stay in touch.

A few days later she wrote to tell me the news.

Having lost both my parents a few years ago, I knew how painful such a loss is.?

How vulnerable and alone it probably made her feel.

Which is why I share this.

Whether we realize it or not, COVID has changed us all.

It’s left us with a greater sense of our vulnerability, because we were and to varying degrees, still are more vulnerable.

This isn’t a bad thing … except for those moments when we feel alone, which so many of us do these days.

My friend, though not by herself (her family was with her), felt alone and reached out.

I’m grateful she did.

None of us should feel that way, particularly during such times.

But now, more than ever, so many people do.

Remotely Close

While I’m a big fan of remote work, it’s also left many feeling disconnected from the people and places that previously had been their greatest sources of connection.

This distance from others can make it harder to form the strong relationships we inherently need, leaving us feeling even more alone.

This brings me to my main point, which is that it’s easy to form the wrong opinion of someone and relatedly, easy for us to give a mistaken or incomplete impression of ourselves when we’re quick to judge.

My friend is an executive working in finance. To some extent, she’s paid to look for the negative. If she fails to see the worst, it could cost her company millions.

While a great characteristic in business it can be less so in other situations.

I made a judgment of who and how she was, which while not wrong, was incomplete.

The truth is we never know what’s going beneath the surface unless we take the time to look.?While also recognizing that at times it may be better that we don’t.

Some people may want to keep what’s private, private.

While others may want to share far more than you ever wanted to know.

There’s no quick and easy answer…unless, of course, you ask ChatGPT (apologies for the bad (attempt at) AI humor).

The best most of us can do is to try to resist the urge to rush to judgment (a lifelong process) and take the time to connect and be willing to listen or respond when someone reaches out.

In the meantime, I leave you with this quote from the Queen of Vulnerability, Dr. Brene Brown:

“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”

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