Belongingness - A Tool To Bridge Divides

Hello everyone! I have been on a writing hiatus these past several weeks as the summer winds to a close and a few projects ramp up. Transitions, even good ones, often mean more work as we make sense of what’s new and what’s now. But after time, things make more sense and we find our flow. Which is where we are today!

For reasons beyond my understanding, there tend to be trending topics in my work. As with the seasons, the subjects of consultation calls, coaching sessions, and speaking requests seem to move in alignment with one another. One season may be all about change management, then followed by psychological safety, conflict management, consensus-building, emotional intelligence, and on it goes. I don't know what causes it.

In any case, the last few months have brought several fascinating projects that all seem to have at their core the need for belonging.

Senior leaders isolated by the expectations of their position and looking for some much-needed private thought partnership, new teams being formed, established teams seeking to stay connected through moments of change, and teams who have lost their connection through the erosion of time and constant deadlines are just some of the calls I have received. I think belonging is a good subject at any time, but especially now as we approach the election in the US.

Political polarization seems pervasive these days. Highlighting topics that feel devoid of belonging to anyone outside of our political leaning. Current work by nonprofits to bridge the political divide focuses on building the skills of leaders and citizens alike to come together over the issues that divide us through better conflict and establishing areas of common ground. Progress only seems possible when we start with understanding where we are aligned. We need to establish a sense of belonging.

The Need To Belong

The need for establishing a sense of belonging isn't unique to political de-polarization efforts. It's a human imperative that we maintain a sense of deep connection to others. Psychological theorist Alfred Adler argued that finding significance and belonging in a social group is a primary human goal.

He argues that the individual person does not develop in isolation from others or society. The existence we know is, fundamentally, a social one. He even ventured to say that one indication of someone's wellbeing is their level of Social Interest.

Are their thoughts predominantly focused on themselves and tending to their own needs, or are they focused outward, seeking ways to make a positive impact on the world around them? If they are mostly focused on meeting their own needs, then this would indicate their needs are at risk or failing to be met, and thus requiring attention. Otherwise, when needs are met, we are free to look outside of ourselves to the world around us.

Data from different fields of science indicate Adler was on to something.

For example, Biopsychosocial and Neurobiological research discusses the "Tend and Befriend" behavior where we gravitate toward others for support as we navigate stressful situations together, thus activating our healthier Challenge stress response rather than the detrimental Threat response. Our body chemistry releases the neurohormone Oxytocin, which reduces the fight-or-fight (Threat) response, when we are vulnerable with others and when we experience others being vulnerable with us, thus motivating us to reciprocate the behavior and form trusting bonds.

Research from the business field, I/O Psychology, Social Psychology, Neuroeconomics, International Peacebuilding, Dispute Resolution, and Education all echo the essential nature of belonging. In his book Embodied Conflict, conflict resolution practitioner Tim Hicks discusses the three levels of survival instincts of the human body, paying specific attention to the level called Social Survival. Here's how he puts it:

Social survival requires belonging to and acceptance within a social group. As is commonly noted, we are a social species. Our individual identities, our experience of self-meaning and purpose, and our understanding of the world are, in very large part, grounded in, develop out of, are imparted by our membership within groups.

Suffice it to say, we need to have a place where we belong in order to live full and healthy lives. But belonging has a darker side that, if left unattended, can erode our sense of belonging and replace it with something worse.

Just as belonging shows us who's "in," it also shows us who's "out."

To belong to a group means that we agree to adhere to the rules of that group. To act outside of what is deemed acceptable means risking our membership in that group. Our instincts drive us to seek out like-minded individuals because it's easy to follow rules you already agree with.

However, when we limit our sense of belonging to groups established on shared beliefs, we create an echo chamber where our beliefs never face healthy scrutiny. The resilience of these group members to dissenting opinions becomes weaker and weaker until anyone who thinks differently is seen as a risk to the safety of the group.

Not only can this create animosity toward other groups, it can also be used to coerce group members to conform as a means to avoid being ostracized. It's the difference between belonging and the far worse act of fitting in.

Do I belong, or am I fitting in?

At first glance, belonging and fitting in might seem similar, but they’re actually very different. in fact, Fitting in is the opposite of belonging.

Belonging means being part of a group where your membership is unquestioned, and you don’t have to perform to stay included. You’re accepted for who you are. Fitting in, on the other hand, requires you to conform to the group’s expectations. It takes effort and often means suppressing parts of yourself that don’t align with the group.

This dynamic is an example of what Adler called a “mistaken belief”—a flawed way of trying to meet our needs for things like significance and belonging. They often take the form of “If This, Then That” thinking. For example,

• "If I get this project done on time, then I'll be good enough to work here."
• “If I am the best, then I'll matter.”

Mistaken beliefs can also take the form of moral imperatives.

• "Emotions are a weakness."
• "Only bad people believe _______."
• "The only person you can trust is yourself."

While these beliefs might help us get by moment by moment, they can skew our understanding of our needs and erode our well-being. Our worldview—how we see the world and what we believe is expected of us—forms by the age of four, and these mistaken beliefs can become deeply ingrained.

Fitting in can feel like a subtle poison to our sense of self and well-being, leading to a fear of being found out for who we really are. In polarized environments, this dynamic can escalate tensions, as we may prioritize group acceptance over open dialogue and mutual understanding.

On the other hand, fostering a sense of true belonging can transform how conflicts between groups of people are approached. When we feel secure within our group, we're more likely to engage in honest and empathetic conversations with one another and those who don't identify with our group beliefs and values.

Belonging encourages individuals to be authentic, reducing defensiveness and creating space for constructive dialogue where differences are explored rather than suppressed. This shift from fitting in to belonging can be key to de-escalating conflicts and finding common ground in a polarized world.

If you want to make tangible impacts on our society to bring us together over the hard topics, start by noticing where people act out of a sense of belonging and where people act out of a need to fit in. Then, be the change-maker you wish you had.

If you need anything as you go, you know where to find me.