Being a Working Parent: When done is better than perfect!

New Zealand is awash with baby fever and I'm joining in with my congratulations for new parents Jacinda and Clarke who welcomed baby girl this afternoon. Being a parent is easily the most profound experience anyone could wish for, not least that suddenly you are responsible for the tiny human you wrap in your arms.

They are utterly perfect and all you want is to protect and love them fiercely with all your heart.

What I am most excited about with Jacinda being not only our leader and the youngest female leader in the western world, is that by now being a mum - a working mum - she is both as ordinary and extraordinary as every other mum in our country. Jacinda now has the opportunity to learn what it's like being a mum, partner, working woman and leader... as well as cheerleader, champion, worrier, warrior, disciplinarian, time manager and everything else that comes with being a parent.

She may have proved herself in parliament over the past 11 years, but she's about to really learn about diplomacy!

But, like every other working parent, I want Jacinda to understand this: Done is better than perfect. So here is a little advice from one working mum to a new working mum... with a reminder, it's all going to be OK!!!

1. You might feel like you're a bit shit at everything

As a full-time working mum three children, Harrison 3 years, Cooper 7 years and Sophie 10 years, plus two dogs, a husband and another business on the side, I often feel like I am a bit shit at everything. I feel like I perform at about 83.5% in everything I do, even though I know that's not true.

When I am parenting, I feel like I wish I could do more, and at work I feel like I'm not getting through enough - some days, I feel like I am just a bit average.

And pretty much every day, I have Rushing Syndrome or Did-Not-Complete-Itis.

I start the day rushing to get up and look half decent, then make breakfast while contemplating what's for dinner - do I need to get anything out of the freezer (N.B sign up to My Food Bag again), make lunches, check what the kids have on that day and what they need in their bags hasn't been taken out since preparing them last night (these things happen), drop them to school, get to work, make coffee, work hard to get everything done, leave work, rush to school pick up (if it is my turn and not our nanny's), drop kids and pick up kids from extra-curricular activities, rush home to make dinner and supervise homework, get the kids bathed and into bed, then catch up on work, and if there is time (usually isn't), I work on my business ...Plus maintain a happy, balanced relationship, all the while feeling like everything I did is half done, not completely done, or not done at all. Oh and try and check in with my family and friends to check they are happy.

But I know this is not true.

My life is full not failing. And it's exciting, exhilarating and yes, sometimes exhausting. But we have 24 hours a day and if I spend time thinking that I'm a bit shit, then I am wasting precious moments of those 24 hours, time better spent enjoying my my family, friends or work (which I love).

So Jacinda, you're not a bit shit at everything, you just have limited resources (time, energy) and like every other working mum (parent), have more reasons to prioritise and structure your life to fit it all in.

And remember it's not the end of the world if you forget something, if your house isn't clean, your hair isn't washed (embrace the dry shampoo and ponytail), if you miss a deadline, if the laundry isn't done, if dinner is not free range, organic made with vegetables sung to sleep by monks... you'll all be OK!

2. You might feel like you're always running... on a treadmill... of the longest endurance race of your life!

Most days I feel like I'm running to work to escape household chores, or running home to escape from work. Or that I am at home and need to run to work, or at work and want to run home to be with my kids and be a mum. As I say, 83.5%.

But in reality, no one - least of all me - can sustain one un-changing environment spent with the same people for hours on end with no change in dynamic. I love going to work and doing what I do, I love my job, my colleagues and my clients and being with them elevates me. And I love being a parent. I really, simply love being me.

So I have reframed this to know that I am not running, I am just doing one thing at a time for a few hours, then doing something else. And I don't just endure, or survive... I thrive!!!

3. Lose the "shoulds"

I cannot even imagine the scrutiny Jacinda and Clarke will come under - made worse by the fact it's their first baby and that they really are learning on the fly (as we all do!). But they're also bucking the trend, with Clarke being a stay-at-home dad.

Of stay-at-home parents, men are by far the minority of people who put their career on hold to mind the baby, comprising around just 16% of the total stay at home parents. So stay-at-home dads are still a curiosity. Meanwhile, male MPs, Ministers and former Prime Ministers have most commonly been men with women raising their children with nary a media or public comment.

Bill English served nearly 27 years in parliament and is father to six children, most born while he was in office, but did he continually make the news for being a working dad while running the country?

Added to that, both Clarke and Jacinda will unwittingly be expected to show leadership in their roles (despite being a first time working mum and stay-at-home-dad). So to them - and everyone watching them live out their parenting life - let's ditch the "shoulds". For one, "shoulds" tend to come from a place of judgement or unsolicited opinion, so if we have to have an opinion (which we really don't), perhaps "coulds" would be the kinder option.

4. Do not Google!

When you have a crying baby in your arms, Jacinda and Clarke, don't ask Google. Google would have your child suffering from a list of life-threatening ailments. Just ask trusted friends and family, or your Plunket visitor. Or your GP.... or anyone but Dr Google.

Clarke, as a new dad, your coffee group might be the best lifeline you could possibly have!

5. The hard moments don't last

When parenting feels really, really hard, just know that the hard times don't last. And actually, the good times don't last either. So be ready for that too. You think sleep is sorted, and along comes teething. And it's all OK!

But no matter how stretched you feel, how exasperated you feel, those bad moments disappear when you see your baby fast asleep in their cot just breathing.

They just magically disappear!

6. You're doing it right

Yep, there are manuals, books, blogs, seminars.... everything you could possibly want (and don't want) to tell you how to parent. But whatever you're doing, when your baby is loved, contented, rested, fed and watered, with a dry nappy, smelling like perfection, you have done it right.

It might have taken longer to feed, or get them settled, but when they are, you have done it exactly right.

So all the best Jacinda and Clarke, from my family to yours!

Working parents, what are your tips? I'd love to know what you do to remind yourself you're doing the best you can and succeeding!

And if you want to learn about what I can do for you when I am in my day job, I'd love to talk! Call me on +64 21 704 404 or email me at [email protected] or and let's do great things.

Rochelle Sheldon, Chief Strategist, Socialites