Being a Workaholic

My earliest memory around a job was back in 1974. I was mowing lawns and had agreed to mow one about two miles from my home for $5 a week. That was more than I usually charged, but it took me a long time to walk to the job and back, and it was what the homeowner offered me, so I wasn’t going to argue him down. He traveled for his job and hated mowing the grass, he said, but told me he enjoyed doing the other yardwork, weeding, and trimming the bushes.

One day, my Dad offered to pick me up after I was done. When he arrived to drive me home, he asked why I hadn’t weeded or trimmed the bushes. I explained that the guy had specifically asked me not to. My Dad asked me how much I was getting paid and, when he learned I was making more than twice the minimum wage at the time, he said something that I’ve always remembered:

“When someone pays you for an hour of work, always do two.”

I argued that the homeowner specifically asked me not to do other yardwork, but it was to no avail, and I ended up weeding and trimming for another hour while my Dad waited.

The impact of our parents

When my Dad told me to work two hours for every hour I was paid, that advice carried weight because he seemed to work so much. He had been a university professor when I was younger but had left that for a job in the aerospace industry and then transitioned to working as an independent financial consultant by the time of the lawnmowing incident. He seemed to always be gone, rarely returning home for dinner until 7:00 PM and occasionally coming back well after midnight, which my mother explained was because he had needed to stay at the office for a very late meeting. He occasionally worked on the weekends and sometimes traveled for work.

I later learned that he hadn’t always been working when he was gone, and I now wonder if he really was a workaholic or even if he believed what he had told me. But it didn’t matter in the long run: I heard what he said, observed his behavior, and it had a huge impact on my life.

Increasing my time at work

Although I had a part-time job in high school, grating cheese at a pizza parlor, it wasn’t until college that my workaholic tendencies became apparent. I took a full courseload every quarter (including summer) and started working a part-time job as a cashier in a drug store. That was my last job outside behavioral health, as I worked as a research assistant for a psychology professor in 1980 and then started working as a counselor at a Community Mental Health Center.

When I started graduate school, I got my first job working in a hospital part-time while going to school full-time, and then added other part-time jobs on top. When I went on internship, I had the lightest schedule of my class, but was scheduled for 72 hours a week; it wasn’t hard for me, though, since I’d been working that much between my jobs and school for years.

I continued to work a full-time job with a part-time job on the side for a few years, but then, after I graduated, I just worked around 70 hours a week at a single job. I got married and divorced, moved from being a therapist to working in health insurance. Although my work negatively impacted my personal life, working so many hours helped me to move up the corporate ladder. I had never considered myself ambitious, but I was proud when I told my father that I’d been made a director, then a vice president, and finally an officer of a multi-billion-dollar company. I don’t recall his reactions when I told him about those promotions.

“You need to put in the time”

At one point, I was promoted to fill a vacancy left by my boss being promoted to a regional position. He had mentored me, and I got most of my understanding of the statistical side of insurance from him. He also worked even longer hours than I did. I could come into the office at 7:00 AM to find him there; we joked about eating dinner from the snack machines every night; and he was there when I would leave, no matter how late. On the weekends, I would dial in from home, and he was always online.

A few months after my promotion, we met up on the road and he told me he was concerned about my performance. He needed me to do some additional tasks, but I told him I was already working 75 hours a week. Without hesitation, he responded:

“This is an 85-hour-a-week job. You need to put in the time.”

I pointed out that I was recently married and had a baby on the way, and he let it drop. I didn’t increase my hours, but I did my best to tackle the additional tasks he’d asked about.

A couple of years later, he stepped down from his regional job and I moved into another position. He told me he couldn’t travel as much anymore and, at some point, disclosed he had cancer.

After that, he would walk past my office in the evening to tell me to go home to my family.

“The company won’t care if you work yourself to death.”

He underwent surgery, began walking with a cane, and then went out on medical leave when his cancer returned. He died soon after that.

Recovery – well, partial recovery

My recovery from being a workaholic started soon after our conversation about me needing to put in more time. That was the first time I set any limits on my work and, even though it was mostly because I knew working 85 hours a week was physically impossible for me, at least I stuck to it.

When my daughter was born, I told my boss, the president of the company, that I could only travel for one night at a time, since I wanted to be home with my daughter.

He used to tell me I needed to take up golf so I could move up higher in the company:

“You should tell your wife that Sunday is your golf day.”

I pointed out that there was no way my wife at the time would accept that and he replied,

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t listen to me. I’ve been divorced three times.”

When my second daughter was born, I gave up my private practice, since working as a child psychologist on the side meant seeing clients in the evening and on weekends. I made an effort to be home for dinner more often and to not work on the weekend, but I still worked a lot.

My friends and coworkers always said I was indispensable to the company, joking that the volume of work I did gave me incredible job security, but I still got laid off. Soon after that, I got divorced and, six months later, started a new job.

Life-work balance

My new supervisor listened to my tales about working long hours and told me she wouldn’t accept that.

“You’re paid for 40 hours and, although there will be times you’ll need to work more than that, don’t make it a habit.”

She encouraged me to take vacations, but I have little interest in that since my divorce, especially since I’ve been estranged from my kids.

Although there are plenty of other reasons for my divorce and my estrangement from my daughters, I’m sure my overworking didn’t help. Being gone so much and relying on my ex-wife to take care of the girls created a distance that finally seemed to snap our bonds.

These days I mostly work around 40 hours a week. Some weeks it’s 50, but others it’s 35.

There are days when I have a bunch of tasks due and end up working 15 hours or more, but they’re rare, and I feel lousy the next day.

I still work full-time and do work on the side – including writing this blog – but I describe myself as a partially-recovered workaholic.

I have some work-life balance, seeing friends occasionally and always taking time for meals during the day, but my introversion and old habits continue to weigh the scale towards work. It doesn’t help that so much of my work involves reading and thinking: I wake up thinking about work almost every day. (I woke up thinking about this piece this morning, and I have to admit it’s 10:49 PM as I’m writing this.)

I don’t know what the moral of the story is. Obviously, being a workaholic has been destructive in my life; I certainly don’t recommend it to anyone. I know that being clear about what’s important in life can help to set better priorities and being present to the people I care about enriches my life. I’m still working on it.

?

?

For more information, visit https://www.entrepreneur.com/leadership/confessions-of-a-workaholic-how-i-overcome-my-worst/437842 .

If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 for any mental health or substance use crisis.

You can also call 1-800-273-8255 for the?National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ?or?text HOME to 741-741 for support from the?Crisis Text Line . The?National Helpline for alcohol and drug abuse ?is at 1-800-662-4357. All three are free and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year.

Follow me on LinkedIn .

?This piece is not intended as medical or legal advice. Always speak with your medical provider before initiating a diet or exercise regimen or if you have medical questions. If you have legal questions, consult with an attorney.

?This article represents my own opinions as a non-physician and does not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer.