Being a Woman in Business - Do You Have to Choose Career Over Family?

With recent events, women's rights (and human rights) are prevalent topics of the day. Conversations and debates are in full force both in person and on social platforms. This article isn't about recent US events directly, but instead a personal experience and one that shaped me from a very early point in my professional career and subsequently my life in general.

When I first entered the mortgage industry in (adding year reluctantly) 2003, I was taken under the wing of a very successful executive, who also just happened to be a woman. I was just 20 years old at this point, and already experienced a promotion within 5 months of being with the bank, and was on the verge of a second. Aside from excelling in my professional life, I was also engaged to be married. I was young and still had lots to learn, but very eager and willing. This senior executive saw these qualities in me and started offering her advice in both personal and professional matters. I gained quite a wealth of knowledge from her, but one piece of advice I struggled with. She was in her 40s and not married, nor had any children. She advised me that I was at a turning point; I could either decide to marry and start a family, giving up my career; or, I could, in essence, "marry" my job. Under no circumstances, she warned, could both be done successfully.

This stuck with me for a long time, and I struggled to try to make the decision that would ultimately shape my entire life. I looked up to her so much that I believed what she was telling me to be true. To look at her I was led to believe that she was a successful woman because she chose to "marry" her career instead of eloping with a partner. She was beautiful not only inside but also out, she only wore expensive name brands and the finest jewelry, drove a new Mercedes, was constantly traveling the world for leisure, was respected throughout the company, and was one of few female executives at that time within the bank. How could her advice be flawed? After soul-searching, I chose my career. I broke up with my fiance, earned two more promotions within the same amount of years, and even lived in NYC for a stint for work. Her way of life seemed to be also working for me.

Fast-forward to a Women in Leadership luncheon I was invited to by the same employer. It was filled with women speakers who were in the same position as my mentor, yet some had the proverbial cake and were able to eat it too; not only did they have successful careers, but they also had life partners/spouses and families. Imagine my nativity and surprise. Needless to say, this seminar changed my outlook completely. Ever since that fateful day I have been a supporter of not women having to choose a career over family, nor women having to choose a family over a career, but a believer and proponent of humans doing whatever humans choose to do to make them happy. After all, isn't that what the "pursuit of happiness" is all about? This was my turning point to a realization that neither my career nor my personal life defined me; I could be free to be complex and free to choose. That power was mine and mine alone. We all should have this liberating feeling as a basic human right.

The stigma surrounding women in leadership still exists in pockets across all industries and countries. While it has gotten better and is less prevalent than in years past, it is still our responsibility as leaders to ensure this trend continues and extends to people of all genders. This isn't just a women's issue any longer; it's a global talking point impacting members of several communities. I'll close with a quote from author Cassandra Clare that is apt: “Every decision you make, makes you. Never let other people choose who you’re going to be.”

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.