Being (a) Transparent: Leadership Lessons for All of Us

Our child was in high school when they came out as trans. It was a gradual coming out, so I wasn't necessarily surprised. In fact, when I reflect on their childhood, as is the case for many Transparents, I can recall moments and experiences that make more sense inside this declaration.

I first noticed a departure from heterosexual norms when they were eight years old. A school friend had stayed the night. The next morning, as they sat at the kitchen island waiting for pancakes and bacon, I noticed the friends' pinky fingers intertwined.

Even now, as I think back to their earliest days, I realize there was never a "girly" stage. They never liked princesses. Never asked to wear tutus and sparkly shoes. As a very young child, they were completely disinterested in clothes shopping. As a middle schooler, they were mortified by the entire girls clothing department. As a high schooler, they were downright resistant and would leave a multi-hour shopping excursion with absolutely nothing to show for it. Before they came out, I couldn't understand why shopping was so painful. After, I felt terrible that I didn't dig deeper. But this was my oldest. I had nothing to compare the experience to.

I've always been very open and accepting of other people. While my professional business is literally diversity and inclusion, in my personal life, I generally stay out of other people's stuff. Unless it harms others, I believe your religion is between you and your God. Your votes are between you and your values. Your sexual orientation, and mine, is between you and your partner. You get the point.

When my child came out as trans, though, it hit different. I was admittedly thrust into a state of grief and fear. Grief because I knew I was losing a daughter. Fear because Black transpeople are hated and hunted. It took me some time to detach from my own familiarities and expectations, like the name I gave them at birth. The shared experiences I looked forward to. The idea of watching her become a strong woman leader or a doting mother.

I had to learn to engage with my own child in entirely new ways. Was this the same person with a twist? Or a completely different person that I had to get to know? There was so much about being trans that I didn't fully understand or appreciate. Like all the ways they have to accommodate others' fixed mental models and limitations. Every day, there is hiding from or confronting judgment and ignorance and sacrificing their own wholeness to make others feel comfortable with that ignorance.

The first step to my own change journey was to access the empathy I have always relied upon to lead well. I chose to do my own research. Be more curious. Ask more questions. Seek to understand how it feels to be them and how their experiences impact their ability to live freely and safely and happily. The more I understood, the easier it became to really see them and respect them--not as an extension of me, but as their own person with stories and needs and concerns and dreams.

Being a Transparent compelled me to shift from focusing on what I "know" about gender to learning what my child knows about their own lived experiences. From anchoring in societal rules to standing in my principles, which include love and compassion and a strong belief in the creative power of every individual. From being a teacher to a being a student, so they could not only inspire new thinking and ideas, but expand my heart and mind to make room for more versions of what is true and real and beautiful. When I developed as a mother, I was better able to help them develop as a person.

This path to understanding someone whose lived experience differs from yours so you can better equip them to thrive is the start of the Waymaker's journey. If you have a desire to make others feel seen, respected, valued and protected, but lack the competence and confidence to do it well, you are a Waymaker at heart. Becoming one doesn't mean you will know it all or do everything right. In fact, you will occasionally mess up. Messing up is a natural part of the growth process. When we stay open, we learn our way forward.

My child would tell you I don't get it right all the time. But they would also tell you how much I love them. That I have their back. That I believe in them and support them and make a way for them, emotionally and practically, to be their best self. I am a better person because of them. I am more of who I say I am.

You may not be a Transparent. But if you consider yourself responsible for the success of others who are not like you--whose dreams and safety rely on you to lead with courage and compassion--there is a lesson in here for you.

Waymaking is not an easy journey, but engaging in it fully and fearlessly, starting with genuine respect and compassion, makes everything better...including you.

Tara Jaye Frank is an equity strategist and author of the forthcoming book The Waymakers: Clearing the Path to Workplace Equity with Competence and Confidence, Amplify, May 2022.