Being Thrown Under the Bus Happens To The Best Of Us. But You Don't Have To Take It Laying Down.

When I was in my thirties, a revered co-worker reported me to our boss. She told him I hadn’t followed protocol for providing transportation service for getting colleagues (i.e., her) to a parade site. What she failed to include in her tattling was how she had ignored my multiple phone calls and email messages days and even weeks prior to the event in my efforts to secure the transportation in question. All my other colleagues had replied to me when I’d reached out to them about car service, stating they didn’t need it. I never heard from the colleague in question. And since she hadn’t been responsive, I assumed that, like the others, she did not need a ride; so no, I did not order any transportation for the Saturday event. I didn’t see the need. The day of the event, however, she showed up expecting transportation to the parade site?! Wait...whaaat? Clearly, the taxi I put her in (and paid for) didn’t cut it because the first thing Monday morning, she made a beeline for our boss, expressing her disappointment in me.

Have you ever felt like you were thrown under a bus? Or wondered what the definition of that saying was? This personal story illustrates it. But wait. It gets worse. My boss never once asked me for my side of the story.

Instead, he reprimanded me for my “lack of initiative.” Wow. (Those words still sting to this day.) I stood there in front of him during this closed-door meeting, embarrassed and incredibly angry. But I did not defend myself. I let my highly respected co-worker throw me under the bus. I never trusted her or my boss again. And I vowed that that particular level of corporate Tomfoolery was never gonna happen to me again.

To be thrown under the bus is a full-on act of sabotage, especially when it is done by someone you have admired and respected heretofore.

There are a few things to unpack here. To be thrown under the bus is a full-on act of sabotage, especially when it is done by someone you have admired and respected heretofore. If it is repeated, I’ll even venture to say it is workplace abuse. I abhor it, and when I became a manager, I made it my mission to always ask for and hear both sides of any conflict between my direct reports to minimize playing an unsuspecting role in the drama or making the road-kill feel as if they then got backed up over, again.

Another element to unpack is one of the critical soft skills that being thrown under the bus forces you to utilize—conflict management. In the moment of feeling sabotaged, you must activate how you personally handle and react to conflict. We can review both sides of this ugly coin and get you to a place where you can confidently recover from being blindsided.

To be betrayed in life is one thing; to be sacrificed for the betterment of a colleague you’re supposed to trust is another. It has been said that we will spend one-third of our lives at work. You’ve heard the terms ‘work wives’ and ‘work husbands.’ There’s a reason for this. We spend an incredible amount of time with our co-workers, and we’re all supposed to be team players. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs. So, when this doesn’t happen, when the line is crossed – especially if it’s the first time – we get the shock of our work lives. And if you are like me, you never forget your first time.

We need trust to function in the workplace. So, I wouldn’t advise turning into the type of woman who has her guard up all the time, trying to ward off any surprises. That is unhealthy and exhausting, and helps get us branded as an "angry Black woman." What you can do in the face of conflict is realize that people who sabotage are generally acting out of fear, jealousy, anger, entitlement or just plain incompetence. (I suspect entitlement was the culprit in my particular experience.) There’s really nothing you can do about others’ shortcomings; nor can you control another person’s actions. What you can control is how you react, which is the lesson we can take from conflict management.

I’d love to report that the first time I was thrown under the bus, my reaction in front of my boss was to take a professional stance, remaining composed and assured of myself. But the sad reality was I was shocked into paralysis. I couldn’t have said or done anything at that moment if you had paid me to!

I do believe we give away our power by remaining forever silent in these situations. It allows the perpetrator to ambush some other unsuspecting soul.

The good news was my momentary immobility translated into not jumping into my emotions. It meant holding my tongue in case I couldn’t stop it from saying something I could not take back, even if those words came from a place of vulnerability that showed my hurt and anger. Now, this strategy was useful on my maiden voyage under the bus because we do not need to speak to our bosses in a way that can result in some serious repercussions. However, I do believe we give away our power by remaining forever silent in these situations. It allows the perpetrator to ambush some other unsuspecting soul.

I’m older and wiser now, and I recognize that, as Black women, we don’t owe it to anyone to give away an ounce of the power we have built up in our lives, especially in our careers. In fact, it’s our rightful duty to speak up, if not for ourselves, then for those who look like us who will one day follow in our footsteps.

Therefore, here are a few pointers you can activate to help you climb out of from under the bus, regain your power and walk with your head held high:

1.? ? Control those emotions! Before reacting, take a breath and use your words. You can literally say, "Can we pause? I need a moment to process what I've just heard." These sabotage-type events fall into their own level of trauma. You do not need to do anything right away other than focus on regaining your composure in your own time. An emotional reaction is rarely a positive one.

2.? ? At the right time, schedule a meeting with your manager or even the perp. Rather than let the whole thing blow over, take control with a face-to-face. You can discuss the event with clarity and calm. Explain your side of the situation and receive direct feedback in a controlled and hopefully safe environment.

3.? ? Minimize gossip. It’s easy to want to retaliate and create a stronghold of trustworthy co-workers who will have your back at any moment. However, gossiping about the person who threw you under the bus just to obtain support is not going to help your reputation. Instead, it is going to backfire and make you look like someone who causes trouble or cannot be trusted. Instead focus on what’s really important: you.

4.? ? Be preemptive. Establish solid relationships with those around you and showcase your good work and good deeds by always going beyond the duties that are required of you. Seal your reputation by performing your role with excellence. You may want to also increase your visibility beyond your own team. Join a special task-force committee; apply for a stretch assignment, ask to lead an employee resource group, create a community volunteer initiative for your division. These types of actions will showcase your tenacity, integrity, dedication, creativity and attention to detail so that when someone comes at you with a Greyhound, you will already have your Superwoman cape firmly established and in place with a community of workplace supporters. (That’s ultimately what saved me emotionally. I knew that others knew my quality of work, even if my boss chose to ignore it in the moment.) Also, if you are coming out from under the bus, focusing your mind and energy on your stellar work skills rather than on negative emotions or seething thoughts of revenge is much healthier and rewarding.

5.? ? But don't be a Pollyanna sweetie. Get and keep solid receipts! We know that documentation is the golden ticket to just about everything. If you’re not in the habit of keeping documentative reports of your work, emails, texts and pings you've sent and received, now is a good time to start. Facts are power pellets. Keep them around. Use them when needed to protect yourself and your reputation. No one else can stand up for you as well as you can stand up for yourself. A little proof goes a long way.

We can’t really stop bad behavior at work. We may not even be able to stop those big, wayward buses headed in our direction. However, we can prepare ourselves to rise from the pavement and walk with some dignity after it happens.

Level Up with Grace is an award-winning newsletter created and designed for African-American women in corporate America (and others) who want to unapologetically create and maintain a stellar career. Executive coach Cheryl Grace shares a curated collection of insights, strategies, and tactics on change management, conflict resolution, and professional development to help women excel and advance to their next level, regardless of where they are in their career journey. Please subscribe and share!

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Shutterstock Stock Images often illustrated by the fabulously talented Natalia Hubbert.