Being tested

Physically speaking, the last three years have been challenging. During the first covid lockdown in 2020, I jarred a nerve in my lower back and subsequently experienced the joys of sciatica for the first time. Throughout 2020 I experienced problems in various joints, my right knee and hip, etc; potentially long covid related as I caught it early in the pandemic. At 42, it felt like I was rapidly becoming an old man.

When Clint Eastwood was once asked how he keeps going so strong he answered "I get up everyday and I don't let the old man in". At that point in time this statement really made a lot of sense to me.

I engaged a personal trainer and worked like hell to stay mobile, peaking around late 2021 at my lowest weight and strongest physique ever, and then had a variety of setbacks (tendons, joints, nerves) that sent me back to square minus 1. Much of 2022 was an uphill struggle. Towards the end of that year I wasn't even mobile enough to work with my trainer, who is also a physio (anyone who works with me and has seen me hobbling along from time to time.. this is why :).

All of this was in stark contrast in 2018 when I went to Japan to test for my 2nd degree black belt (Dan) in Aikido, and again in 2019 when I went back to train further towards testing for my 3rd Dan. For those who don't know what Aikido is, it is a martial art focused on defence with a deep history in Japanese open-hand and sword-based techniques, classically known for using an opponent's attack against them (a fuller description of Aikido can be found elsewhere; viewpoints aplenty).

As we entered 2023 I was barely keeping my Aikido club open with the kind support of a fellow instructor. I was increasingly limited to just teaching, with much less training for me. After taking a long hard look at my situation, I made a stand, rejecting the constant grind and setbacks. With the support of a friend based in Osaka, I went for an 'all or nothing' approach and booked my flights to Japan to engage in 2 weeks of intensive training during the hottest part of the year. My goal was to become both physically and mentally ready for my 3rd Dan grading, then hopefully be offered a chance to take it.

Arriving at Shodokan Honbu in Osaka was cathartic. I had felt so very far from ever making it back there. The ability to take part in training with the Aikidoka community there seemed beyond me. I just stared at it for a long while as I came to terms with what it would mean to cross the threshold and commit myself to the next 2 hours of training. The session passed quickly, and thankfully no one had to call an ambulance for me. I could begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Over the next two weeks, I committed myself to a further 15 sessions, completing just over 30hrs of training in the dojo. I also trained in other places like the park and my room and while walking around Osaka, marking out my steps and the order of techniques. My days became focused mainly on self-maintenance, from dealing with split skin behind my toes and 'mat burn' on my feet to eating more carefully so that I could train with more energy.

Following the advice of a friend who practices Aikido and is also a professional dancer, I even found time to apply a moisturiser to my feet (stopping well short of getting a facial and a pedicure, I can assure you). All while getting enough sleep and general rest and recovery in between trainings. It struck me as both odd and indeed wrong that I had to travel thousands of miles and put myself well out of my comfort zone just to be able to look after myself properly; a thought not lost on me now that I am back in the UK is that this really should continue.

After about a week, I noticed significant changes, thought more about the outcome than the setbacks, and felt much brighter and healthier than I had for over a year and a half. There were still problems, bleeding toes, a wonky knee, a funky hip, and struggling to acclimatise to 34-degree heat among them. However, I was undeniably moving forwards and I was so much better for it. People were starting to give me some of their time in the unstructured training sessions that followed the instructor-led classes.

The seemingly jumbled mix of weapons-based techniques that were to become my 3rd Dan grading began to fall into place, making more sense and beginning to flow. All of this happened in the shadows of the 2023 WSAF International Competition, which had brought many of the best competitors worldwide into the Honbu dojo for this brief moment in time. I considered whether I could compete but resolved to pick my battles, as although I was starting to feel strong again, an injury in the tournament would end my chances of a 3rd Dan test.

I had one last hurdle to deal with, and that was not so much the grading itself; instead, it was what this grading meant to me. I had to admit to myself that it was profoundly important to me. All I could do to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by the test's significance was to give the very best of myself to it. I needed to be clear that I had not held anything back when I crossed the mats and awaited the order to begin. I visualised the entire event ahead of me and accepted what would come.

The 3rd degree black belt test in Shodokan Aikido is the most extensive grading in our syllabus as it covers, at its core, a set of 16 techniques from the 1st Dan grading, 8 from the 2nd Dan, moving onto the 3rd Dan series of 26 weapons techniques. These begin with an open hand against a wooden sword called a bokken, then an open hand against a staff, then using the staff against an opponent, and finally, sword versus sword (description simplified for a general audience). All of the techniques are carried out in partnership with your opponent to bring a 'kata' alive with commitment and energy in what we call 'embu' .

The successful candidate should also have an excellent awareness of the space in the room, managing it well while executing their techniques. As an instructor, it is vital that my attention can encompass my immediate activities and my students' activities to assess, teach, coach, and ensure that we train in a safe environment. I was painfully aware that although I have been an instructor for over 7 years, I would also be examined from this perspective, alongside remembering all the elements from all of the techniques from the preceding Dan grades.

Time passed in a blink. My grading was over, and the next candidate was being asked to proceed, leaving me to kneel and await the result of my grading, and now theirs. Watching a 4th Dan grading gave me perspective on my own. We are all being tested at our own level, in our own way, and the experience of watching someone else giving their all was both humbling and reassuring.

The final verdicts were given, followed by a round of applause and some feedback to assist us on our journeys ahead whilst also confirming that our best efforts had been enough on the day. A massive sense of relief and happiness took over. Wow, I had just done that!!

As I shook the hand of Nariyama Shihan, the head of our style of Aikido, I made sure that I captured the moment in my mind, knowing from experience just how precious and fleeting these moments are—moments like this built my ability to take this opportunity and get the most out of it.?

Returning to everyday life, I reflect time and time again that, as if I wasn't being challenged enough, somehow taking on a challenge further beyond me and reaching even higher pulled me out of a catch-22 situation and moved me forwards.