Being a Still Dad

'Still Dads' – fathers who have experienced the loss of a child through stillbirth

October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I wanted to share my experience of being the father of a stillborn Daughter, Tilly. There is stigma around stillbirth and I’m hoping to help break this down as there is much to do to assist? parents who go through this experience both as friends and colleagues. The definition of Stillbirth is a baby who dies after 28 weeks of pregnancy, but before or during birth, is classified as a stillbirth. There are nearly 2 million stillbirths every year – one every 16 seconds.?

When our daughter, Tilly, was born still in April 2014 at 38 weeks, my world was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions, grief, and deep reflection. Stillbirth is a tragic event that has profound impacts on mothers. Yet, often overlooked is the enduring pain and transformation it brings to fathers. In my journey, I've gleaned a few insights which I believe can illuminate the silent struggles and growth of a father after experiencing stillbirth.

1. The Evolution of your Support Network

When tragedy strikes, you suddenly find yourself at the epicentre of a support network that evolves over time. Immediately after Tilly's stillbirth, an outpouring of comfort, kind words, and shared grief surrounded us. Friends, family colleagues, and even strangers offered their shoulders to cry on and open ears to listen. It's this immediate response that proves vital in those first raw moments.

But the most remarkable aspect of this network is its evolution. Over time, as the initial shock begins to fade, the nature of support transforms. On anniversaries, birthdays, or simply random days when memories flood in, it’s often those same loved ones who continue to acknowledge Tilley's presence in our lives. Their ongoing support has been awesome, offering comfort during the down times and reassurance in others.?

2. The Forge of Relationships

Relationships are tested in the crucible of shared experiences, both good and challenging. My partnership with my wife is no exception. In the wake of our shared grief, I was awestruck by her strength, resilience, and capacity to endure. Observing and being a part of her journey taught me more about our relationship than years of shared happiness could. It reminded me that our bonds, forged in both joy and sorrow, have the power to uplift, heal, and inspire.

3. A Different Role, But Forever Cherished

The role Tilly plays in our lives is different from what we had dreamt. Yet, it is profoundly significant. She isn’t physically present, but she lives on - in our thoughts, our conversations, and the quiet moments we share as a family. Her memory shapes our lives in unexpected ways, making us more empathetic, compassionate, and cherishing every fleeting moment.

4. The Support Network of 'Still Dads'

As fathers, we often grapple with our emotions silently. 'Still Dads' – fathers who have experienced the loss of a child through stillbirth – form a unique fraternity. We understand the nuanced feelings, the unspoken grief, and the unique journey each one of us goes through. Together, we offer a shoulder to lean on, share stories, and help navigate the complicated emotions, forming bonds that are both therapeutic and transformative. I have created this site in an attempt to start a space for fathers to connect as they go through their journey - https://www.facebook.com/groups/133523101322440/?mibextid=oMANbw

5. The Pursuit of Change

The stillbirth rate, especially in Australia, remains a pressing concern. In the 10 years since our daughter was stillborn the rate of dying babies remains unchanged. There's an urgent need for more research, resources, and awareness to reduce these numbers. As a dad who has lived through this pain, I believe it's our responsibility to advocate for change, ensuring future parents don't have to endure the same heartbreak.

In closing, while the pain of losing Tilley will never truly fade, the insights and growth stemming from this experience have been invaluable. For all the fathers out there grappling with similar loss, know that you are not alone. By sharing our stories and insights, we can hope to make a difference, both in our own lives and in the broader community.