The ‘Being Selfish’ Debate: Can We Get a Re-frame on That, Please?

Be aware of your own emotional and mental bandwidth. Just because you can, does it mean you should? - Georgia A. Bryce

It is an ongoing conversation that I not only have with clients, but with friends. This unusual posturing we engage that seeks to advance the welfare of everyone else, or the successful outcome of endeavors at the risk of our own mental and emotional health. Somehow, we have been collectively trained to believe that this overt display of selflessness and self-sacrifice is more noble than taking care of one’s person.

Now, do not misunderstand me. I recognize that we are called to be altruistic in our thinking. We are called to be part of community, to seek for the greater good and we must be willing, at times, to give up our place, our resources and our time when there is a demand. At what point, however, should we acknowledge and be comfortable in saying to ourselves that we have gone as far as we can go and we have given as much as we can give?

I cannot help but ponder the raging debate centering the latest trending phenomena of “soft life” and “quiet quitting.” Is it really about people simply being “lazy,” as is apt for corporate leaders and those who have spent their lives ‘in the trenches’ to argue, or is it a moratorium being declared on the way we do business and even life? And if this is indeed the case, rather than being preoccupied with the ensuing diatribe and actions, why are we not having the bigger conversation concerning how and why we arrived at this point?

Recently, I had to impose a moratorium on my own life. I was called away from regular private practice to join a rapid mobilization team stationed in another state. Our task was to fill the void that was created as a result of personnel being on strike. The need was tremendous to say the least, marked by long and arduous work days and significant caseloads.

The original thought I had in mind was to mobilize for a set period, as had been my past experience, and then head back home to resume regular operations. My time was extended and I was grateful to be able to pull it off with the understanding and gracious support of my clients. But, even while I was there, I had to make some very calculated decisions about how I would manage my time, myself, my commitments, as well as opportunities to help mitigate the crisis and opportunities to earn substantial income.

More than once I found myself talking to myself about the need for balance.

More than once I had to remind myself about acknowledging and respecting my own emotional and mental bandwidth.

More than once I had to tell myself that it was okay that others were able to balance a 12-hour work shift and then abandon sleep to squeeze in supplemental work related to their personal businesses.

More than once I had to come to terms with the fact that there were so many who needed help during the crisis but that I could not help all of them.

More than once I had to assess and subsequently abandon the opportunity to earn substantially more income than anticipated, because I needed to take the time to rest, take care of myself and honor my other commitments.

More than once I had to say to myself, “Yes, others are doing it. Yes, you can do it too. But just because you can Georgia, should you?”

The reasons we often place ourselves on the backburner are numerous and may be unique to each person. Clients often lament regarding their tendency to “people please” and finding it very hard to say no, as well as enforcing boundaries. That could be a consequence of how they were socialized, or could be tied to fears of being abandoned or rejected. Others convey feeling the need to be central to everything and to everyone - the quintessential ‘problem-solver’. Still, others battle the ‘fear of missing out’, of being viewed in a poor light by others as a consequence of group-think, of needing to prove their capabilities, and some simply because they have not yet recognized that they don’t have to violate their own personal boundaries.

So how do you shift gears to be more honoring of you and your personal boundaries? I believe it starts with re-evaluating your perspective of what it means to be selfish. If the notion immediately evokes negative sentiments, or judgmental thoughts against your person, a re-frame is necessary. The truth is, being selfish when needed, is necessary if you are to show up representing the best version of you. It is also crucial if you are to give of your best in service to others.

A re-frame on what it means to “be selfish” for me, means taking the time needed to tend to my well-being (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially, financially, relationally, intellectually, and every other ally there is) first, so that I can then show up and lend support in a manner that is honoring of others. I would hate to imagine dragging myself into the therapy room, or in the company of my husband, or in the presence of other significant folks in my life, looking, sounding and seeming tired, uninvolved and disinterested.

It is time to let it go! It is time to give yourself permission to let go of this idea that has been propagated, better yet perpetrated, that says you should not put you first. Clearly this way of thinking will neither serve you nor others over the long haul and you are apt to break down along the way, pretty much like a car running on fumes.

Georgia A. Bryce-Hutchinson?is an accomplished Mental Health Consultant and Practitioner, who leverages an Environmental Engineering background to set the framework, language, and impact of coaching across corporate and one-on-one environments. She specializes in advising organizations and employees on mental health literacy, awareness, and crisis intervention and devising preventative strategies to increase workforce productivity, engagement, and retention. Georgia has the ability to meet employees and people where they are in their lives, pivoting to?support both the employee and the organization from an inside-out approach.?Connect with Georgia at?[email protected].