Being on purpose: 4 practices.

How you view the world affects your reactions, decisions, actions, and conversations. Our mind is wired to find confirmation for the beliefs we have created about how the world (and the people in it) works. In that way, our worlds become what we believe and vice versa. In this article, we dive into this pattern and elaborate on the 4 phases of practising to be on purpose.

For example, if I believe people are lazy and can't be trusted, I tell myself that I will have to push them, be in control, and micromanage them to make sure things happen.

This might be a great way to prevent delays in the short term and to kill motivation, ownership and engagement in the long term. People will become apathetic around you, because "you always want it your way", they prefer to do nothing and wait for direct instructions and commands. Which in turn confirms the belief "If I am not on top of it, nothing happens".

So how do we break this loop of a leader caring more and more, and a team caring less and less??

It starts with PRACTICE #1: OBSERVATION.

Observing your own patterns of behaviours, habitual actions and reactions, we do in our daily lives, and questioning why you have that urge so that you can recognise the underlying beliefs.?

For example, if you observe the pattern of never / rarely / resisting asking for help, the underlying belief could be one or more of the following (or others of course):

• "People who need help are weak"
• "I have to be strong and able to do it on my own"
• "I don't trust others will do a proper job"
• "Help takes time, and I am too busy for that now"
• "Others might do a better job, and make me seem obsolete"
• "I don't want to bother others with my issues"
• "It's not so important, I don't even care, I just need to get this done"

Our beliefs, conscious or unconscious, drive our daily decision-making. They show our world view, and how we are holding ourselves back. By pleasing, proving, resisting, and withdrawing our way through daily reality.

It's not strange, it's human nature. It's our ego trying to keep us safe (emotionally and physically), and striving to be seen, valued, and loved. This is fear-driven behaviour we see in ourselves and others all the time, out of fear of being rejected, not good enough, disappointing others, being left abandoned, alone, invaluable, or unlovable.

Important to note that observation is not about changing the behaviour. It's the practice of non-judgement, just being curious, and open-minded. Just notice the behaviour, as if you are watching another person. Not too serious, or strict, but with a bit of humour: "Ah funny, look there I do it again"

Then we smoothly transition into PRACTICE #2: ACCEPTANCE.

What beliefs, thoughts, and emotions have in common is that when we try to suppress, hide or deny them, they become more pressing. Instead, when we allow it, observe it, acknowledge it, and sit with it, it gradually fades. Like calming waters.

"DENIAL WITHHOLDS GROWTH, ACCEPTANCE IGNITES CHANGE."

The truth is liberating. That sense of relief creates the inner space for change. Furthermore, the truth means we are vulnerable, and vulnerability boosts our plasticity, thus our ability to change behavioural patterns.

It is in this vulnerable state of being that we are most connected to our inner wisdom, as our hearts are open. That's where true courage abides.

And where PRACTICE #3: CHOOSING begins.

We often act as if life happens to us, and we are a victim trying to manage the circumstances or "who we are".

"That's just the way I am" is often said when our behaviour causes conflict, or resistance or keeps us in a loop. I invite you to challenge this statement whenever you notice yourself thinking or saying it. And ask yourself, is it really true?

Our ego continuously looks for evidence and experiences to confirm "who we are", a predictable construct of behavioural patterns. Because the ego prefers familiar pain or struggle, over unknown, or uncertain relief.

In the end, who we are is just another story, played on repeat in our minds, confirmed by a bunch of memories (which are also biased). While in reality, who we are, we decide from moment to moment.

Therefore, we don't have to dig into the past (why I am like this because my mother was like that etc.), to change the current moment. What we need is to practice a state of being where we consciously choose in each moment "This is who I choose to be right now".

It's about unlearning our autopilot reactions, like grabbing control, not saying no, or instantly withdrawing, which are stored in our body's tissues and wired in our minds. It's about practicing to create a moment of pause, whenever we feel triggered, and delay our response.

Below this is explained in two different scenarios:

SCENARIO #1: THE PEOPLE PLEASER

If you know you are someone who tends to rarely say no, out of fear of being rejected or disappointing or hurting others, then this example is for you. When someone asks you for a favour or invites you to join, try making it a habit to say "Can I get back to you in a few minutes on that?".

Then sit with yourself for a minute, breathe deeply a couple of times 4 seconds in and 4 seconds out through the nose, and ask yourself "What truly matters to me?" "What are my priorities?", "Will this benefit or harm my priorities?", "What do I really need right now?".

Don't think your way through is, weighing the pros and cons, but simply reflect; ask the question, and see what arises from the body (your heart and gut). Based on your insights make a conscious decision and communicate it without overexplaining.

SCENARIO #2: THE CONTROL FREAK

If you know you are someone who tends to grab control, to prevent a mistake or guarantee a certain outcome, and you find it hard to trust others, then this example is for you. When someone makes a mistake or is likely to make one, try making it a habit to ask questions, instead of taking over control and directing towards the solution.

For example, "Why did you choose this approach?", "What did you learn?", "How can you avoid 'X'?", "How can you ensure 'Y'?", "What do you need to make it a success?", and "How can I support you in this?". It's the practice of making your own implicit thought process, explicit.

That way you empower people to think as you do and act independently of you, rather than do what you say, and stay dependent on you. It takes patience, and probably a lot of biting your lip, want to just quickly resolve the issue, but it will get you out of the control loop over time.

"How you show up in each interaction is a choice, and being in that aware state of being is a superpower and accelerates personal growth. For yourself, and those around you."

I shared those two scenarios to show that is it really a practice applied to your daily life. It is not about theoretical knowledge of what makes a good leader, because under pressure 'what we know' is nowhere to be found. It's about making certain responses to triggers a new habit, to learn and unlearn the behavioural patterns over time. It's about practising choosing our responses consciously at the moment.

This leads us to PRACTICE #4: CREATING RIPPLE EFFECTS.

In each moment we create ripple effects, conscious or unconscious, positive or negative. With every thought, action, and reaction we influence ourselves, others, and nature. And our ripples reach far beyond just that moment. For example, it reaches 3 layers far within our network (Web of Meaning, by Jeremy Lent).

"We overestimate our ability to control, and we underestimate the influence our state of being has in everyday choices and interactions".

When we react emotionally in a triggering situation, and talk someone down, their self-esteem might drop, which affects their future projects and encounters.

Or when you let toxic behaviour slide, and say nothing because you feel uncomfortable, that has a ripple effect in turn. The behaviour will continue to spread.

Likewise, when you acknowledge someone's talent or character that ripples far beyond that moment. Do you remember the moments in your life when that happened? Did it perhaps enable you to believe more in yourself and thus take more risks in the future?

Or when you walk into a meeting room stressed, rushed, annoyed, or bored and disengaged, that influences the atmosphere of the group. Our states of being are contagious. Stress feeds stress. anxiety feeds anxiety. Courage also feeds courage, and being calm makes others calm.

We want to remind you to be intentional about your state of being, and your reactions and choices. To create your everyday ripple effects on purpose. In alignment with the bigger picture: Who you are supposed to be, and what kind of vision you want to contribute to.

To know who you are, why you are here, and where you are going. In the big, and the small scheme of things. Because when you are on purpose, your energy lifts up others to do the same.

And that's something we believe is worth spreading.

Do you want to dive deeper into this and practice these 4 practices in a cohort of leaders from all over the world intended to grow in consciousness & energy?

Be sure to join the next 28.DAYS ON PURPOSE PROGRAM (14th cohort)

starting 11 JANUARY 2024, New Moon. €389 (only 4 spots left).

It will guide you with daily stories and assignments (20min p/day on your own), and weekly online interactive group workshops (90min on Thursday at 18.30h CET) to apply mindfulness to your daily life and learn and unlearn habits, stories, and beliefs.

All the stories, tools, meditations, and videos in one renewed online environment, to which you'll have access for 6 months.

For more information visit the ON PURPOSE STUDIO website.