Being in the Present Moment

In my latest post, I mentioned about being present in the present moment. It is really about clearly understanding and accepting the reality.

In December of 2011, I received a call from the general surgeon, who recently did a biopsy on a painless and seemingly benign lump on my lower back around the waist. He said, “Mr. Kudapkar, I am sorry to inform you that, the lump is cancerous”. It was a devastating moment; I could still recollect those feelings - can’t express them in exact words though.

I was brought up with this core belief that

You are the architect of your own destiny; and the way you do that is by accepting the reality, and striving hard to lead a successful life.

While I knew all this in theory, life had never put me in any real situation, where this core belief would be put to the test. And there I was - numb and totally devastated. The next set of thoughts that hit me were, Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Would this disease kill me? What would happen to my family? I drove back home to break this news to my family. Mayuri, my wife, opened the door. She was pleasantly surprised to see me coming home so early. I held her hands, and said, “I got cancer”. She exclaimed in disbelief, “What do you mean?!?!”. I repeated, “I got cancer”. We both cried after that. What really hit me at that point was that I was married to my beautiful and loving wife for past 9 years, my daughter was 6 years old, and I was never really there for them. I had missed out on all those years. I was too busy with my career. In next one month I came to know that:

• I had a very rare form of cancer that usually does not respond to chemo and radiation.
• There was not enough research done on this cancer to predict the prognosis.

Usually, when we are faced with such kind of circumstances in life, it is quite normal to dwell on negativity. It is always easier to advice people to stay positive, but it is not so easy to practice it, when you are hit with something really bad. The first thing that I realized was that when you get hit with something so bad, it is ok to be negative for some time. I was in this phase for couple of weeks after my diagnosis. While I knew that negativity was not going to help me in any way, I realized that first I need to be at peace with myself by accepting myself with my current state of mind. This really helped me in calming down at rapid pace. I was simply observing myself during this phase, without judging any of my emotions. Once my mind got calmer, I came to terms with this reality that I had got cancer.

Next, I started telling myself, “don’t worry, everything will be just fine”. However, soon I realized that I could not fool my mind like this. It was not helping me focus on doing the right things. And soon something started to dawn upon me: I started wondering, “I have got cancer is my present reality; however, can I split this reality into a set of more objective realities?” It was a very interesting and life changing experience for me - I still saw number of negative realities, but soon I realized that those realities themselves were not negative, but my emotions associated with them were negative. And those emotions were associated with the perceived outcomes of those realities, and I was only thinking about the negative outcomes. So, the question was, “Could there be any possible positive outcomes?” That was the “Aha!” moment for me. I came up with following set of objective realities with possible outcomes:

Reality 1

• Reality - I have got a very rare form of localized cancer with no knowledge about its prognosis.
• Positive outcome - since it did not spread, I might as well survive.
• Negative outcome - I might die.

Reality 2

• Reality - Considering my diagnosis, there is a 50% chance that I might die.
• Positive outcome - How many people get death notice in advance? I better get my life in order; spend time with my family; and focus only on those people and things in my life that matter the most.
• Negative outcome - Worrying about death - the inevitable fact of life. Worrying about my family's future. Wondering, why me? what did I do to deserve this?

Reality 3

• Reality - It's going to be a 12-18 months long treatment.
• Positive outcome - Now I have all the time in the world for myself, my family, and my good friends. Plenty of time to focus on activities that boost my energy level. Going to be spending my time building my care network to support myself on various aspects of my treatment.
• Negative outcome - Worrying about my career, losing pay. Being scared of risks and side effects associated with the treatment.

Reality 4

• Reality - I will be dealing with some really bad chemo therapy related side effects.
• Positive outcome - Accepting it as a fact of life. Partnering with my care team. Following right medical advice to minimize the pain/discomfort due to the side effects.
• Negative outcome - Worrying too much about the side effects. Failing to work with my care team. Giving up on following right medical advice.

These are few examples. This is how I was able to separate the reality from my emotions associated with it. While I could not change the reality, I could always choose the right emotions. I made conscious efforts to stay focused on the positive outcomes, leading to the positive emotions. There were times, when mind would naturally gravitate towards the negative outcomes; but every time that would happen, I would seek for the right help.

Being in the present moment is really about:

1. Clearly understanding, and accepting the reality.
2. Observing your emotions associated with it.
3. Driving those emotions in the positive direction, by focusing on the positive outcomes.
4. And the last but not the least - Seeking for the right help, when you cannot stay positive.

This was one of the greatest lessons I learned during my cancer battle.

Today, I do not see problems; I only see opportunities instead to solve those problems — touching many lives in that process.