Being a Part of the Solution

Why am I such an advocate of mediation and especially collaborative law? The answer is simple - I no longer want to be a part of the problem but rather part of the solution. What is the problem you may ask? Divorce litigation - it destroys families, finances, and children.

Collaborative law understands that in a divorce, especially when there are children, the spouses must continue their relationship through and after the divorce ends. After a contentious divorce it is much harder for people to put the pieces of their lives back together again. Attempts to coparent and raise children damaged by the divorce, is much harder and can seem impossible.

If the children were in a custody battle, they will have scars of their own. Having been assigned an attorney, being asked where they want to live, having to betray a parent, and finally seeing the Judge to answer the same questions asked over and over again, is traumatic. Children often feel the divorce is their fault and putting them in the middle of it is very detrimental to their emotional well-being and development. Collaborative law maintains and rebuilds relationships in a new way so the ex-spouses can learn skills to communicate, reduce conflicts, and relate to each.

I no longer wanted to be part of the destruction.  In a highly contentious litigated case, with aggressive attorneys, the end of the divorce can be likened to a battlefield – bodies left in the field and the city burned down. The judge and attorneys have left and are nowhere to be found.  The divorced couple and their children are left alone in the war zone. Collaborative divorce is different. The team does not jump ship at the end. Instead it leaves the divorced couple and their children well prepared and well equipped for the future. The team takes care of what needs to be done legally, financially, and psychologically so their clients can begin the next chapter of their lives. They are set up for success.

When I was a young divorce attorney, there was a seasoned divorce attorney whom I will call Jim.  Jim believed in aggressive representation.  His full-page yellow page ad (yes this was before iPhone’s and social media) had a Dobermann pinscher with its teeth showing at the center of the ad barking. His tagline was “aggressive representation,” and he meant it.  He would bark and bite.

I actually lost a client in a case I had with him many years ago. He called her a “cow” at a four-way conference. After he made this offensive remark, even though I called him out because of his offensive, inappropriate behavior, she felt she needed a male attorney to "deal with him". His approach was to wear down and tear down; to manipulate the law and the rules to get any advantage he could for his client was his modus operandi. Unfortunately, many families were destroyed in the process.

Jim became very ill a few years ago and had an awakening and conversion of sorts. He complimented me when I had run into him on trying to get collaborative law or off the ground in Staten Island and commented on my growing mediation practice. He said he was glad and applauded my efforts. He told me he often thinks of his former clients, wondering what happened to them and their families. He said he felt very badly at how he handled his cases and the destruction and ill feeling he caused.

I told him I appreciated him telling me that and was glad that he had finally seen the light.

We both agreed that the adversarial system of law does not always appropriate in family law. Knowledge of the law, information, financials, evidence, meaningful discussion and dealing with reality are all keys to finding the right solutions for families. Collaborative Law does this. Attorneys counsel their clients based on these key components. In the process we hope to unlock the door to justice for our clients and a new beginning and new way of being.