Being the Only Woman: A Position of Power

Many women in tech have had the experience of being the only woman in the room. The computer industry is 25% women — of which less than half are women of color based on the NCWIT’s 2016 study. And it’s been getting worse over the last two decades.

On your average team of engineers, or coders, or consultants, or whatever, we will only get the second woman on the team when the team adds the eighth person.

This on-the-ground reality can feel isolating. It can be isolating. Studies have shown that being the only woman in the room can actually negatively impact our performance.

We must learn to survive, and then to thrive, and then to hold the door open, to prop the door open for others. So that more and more and more women can come into the room where it happens.

Stereotype Threat

Absent overt and even subtle sexism, scientists have determined that we react to something called Stereotype Threat. This threat doesn’t require any behavior at all from others. It manifests solely in our own minds. When people believe that the group they belong to is negatively stereotyped in their endeavors, their performance can be impacted negatively. In other words, when we’re the only woman in the room, we can start creating scenarios and telling ourselves stories. These stories change our performance for the worst. Even if the biases are subconscious, our performance can still suffer. We can deal with this threat, as well as more immediate challenges to our performance.

Interruptions

Both men and women interrupt women more than they interrupt men. Even female Supreme Court Justices get interrupted more than their counterparts. We must be able to reclaim the floor.

Begin by enumerating your points. I learned this during my time working with an interpreter. My interpreter needed to translate what I said, so I had to pause. Yet I didn’t want to give up the floor. So, I would start by saying, “I have three points.” We then have a solid footing to go back and say, “Hold that thought. I haven’t finished my second point.”

Another tactic to address interruptions is to sit physically near the person who is prone to interrupting you. You know who it is. Then you can gently and say, “Just a minute. I haven’t finished my thought.” Most people find it difficult to be openly hostile to someone sitting close to them (and preferably on the same side of the table, so you create a “we’re on the same team here” vibe).

Man-splaining and a Three Step

In Men Explain Things to Me, Rebecca Solnit describes a man who, upon learning that she had written a book on Eadweard Muybridge, began to opine about this Very Important Book written that year on the same topic. He went on and on about it. Ms. Solnit’s friend tried to tell him, “That’s her book.” Mr. Big continued on and on about the Book. “That’s her book.” He finally caught on.

Again, just like interruptions, over-explaining happens to everyone. This does happen with alarming regularity to women, by men. So much so, that shortly after the Solnit article, a term was coined, “man-splaining.” And as Solnit states, this behavior has the net effect of silencing women, of making us feel or appear to not belong or not have an opinion worth sharing.

1. Name it and Claim it. One tactic is to acknowledge the explanation. Point out that this person is explaining something fairly rudimentary. “Yes, of course, I know how agile programming works.” I used this tactic recently when someone told me that the sooner we rolled a consultant off of an engagement, the more budget would remain for others. “Yes. I know how the budget works,” I told him.
2. Go deep. Another tactic is to ask the next deep technical question. This question will demonstrate your knowledge of the subject at hand.
3. And finally, trotting out your resume can work. “My last five projects were delivered on time and on budget because we used Agile.”

Playing Chess — Getting credit for your ideas

Now, you’ve had a chance to speak without interruption — or to at least reclaim the floor. You’ve established your credibility. Now, you must get credit for your work. Idea co-option is another alarmingly common occurrence for women in our field. While there’s less research on idea-cooption, most women have experienced this and felt that it is true.

We need to be playing chess in these instances, not checkers.

1. Prior to the meeting, you can send your ideas to the group and ask for them to be put on the agenda. If someone co-opts your idea, you point out that they are “jumping ahead in the agenda,” and that you would be happy to talk about your idea now.
2. Or, you can send the idea to one or two people ahead of time. Then, when your idea is lifted, simply enlist the other person’s support. “Well, when Dave and I were talking about this idea of mine yesterday….”
3. Another tactic is to be the one to take the notes. While everyone else is talking about something, put your idea into the minutes — with appropriate credit, of course.
4. Follow up. Be owning the idea through fruition, you can properly be credited with the idea.

Move to Thriving

Once we have our footing, we can move beyond surviving to thriving. The key to thriving as your authentic self is about viewing yourself as more than your gender identity.

In one study, Asian-American college women were tested in math, after first either (a) being reminded that they’re Asian or (b) being reminded that they’re women. Their performance on the math test was directly correlated to their frame of reference (e.g., Asians are good at math; women are not) (Pittinsky, Shih & Ambady, 1999).

Think about all the characteristics that make you who you are. Some of our diversity is visible. I’m tall, for example, and have long hair. Other dimensions of me are not visible and yet you’ll learn about me within hours of our introduction. I speak English fluently and am a mother.

Take two minutes and write down as many descriptive adjectives & nouns as you can. Some ideas include nationality, language, Veteran status, alma mater, sports, hobbies, family. Now, pick the two most important, interesting, unique, fun, exciting, common adjectives. And pick one noun.

What’s one of your Super Hero names?? I am a Veteran, an amateur genealogist who enjoys camping. I can be “Veteran Genealogist Camper!”

When you start feeling yourself notice that you’re the only woman in the room, remind yourself of your Super Hero status. And start actively and purposefully thinking about what characteristics that you share with the others in the room. Maybe you all snowboard, or are from the East Coast, or went to Ivy League schools, or didn’t go to college, or enjoy rugby or speak Spanish, write Java, have children, served in the Navy. Whatever.

By actively seeking out another frame – another sociocultural identity – we can counteract the threat posed by being the only woman there. We will no longer be alone. Rather we will be one of many in the other socio-economic frame. Sometimes, reframing is as simple as seeing ourselves in our professional role.

This re-framing also allows us to focus on people as people, rather than that one narrow aspect of them that is their gender identity. We can tune into others based on their full, true and authentic selves. We can see everyone with whom we work, complete with their strengths, weaknesses, foibles, kindnesses, and quirks.

Be the Mentor that You Needed

The final step in our journey is to stop being the only woman in the room by reframing ourselves as the first woman in the room. You’re here. You’ve made it. You’re in the Room Where it Happens. You can take the seat at the table, and your voice can be heard.

And you can use that voice to empower others.

Unfortunately, bringing the second woman into the room is not always easy. We can feel intimidated or reluctant to spend our fragile social capital. If our organization’s diversity efforts have not matured beyond tokenism, we can perceive that there’s only room for one woman.

Eileen Pollack noted in her book, The Only Woman in the Room, Why Science is Still a Boys’ Club, if our own social identity is tightly knitted to being the only woman, we can fear the introduction of another woman.

Fortunately, social capital is bolstered by the act of spending it. When the second woman arrives, actively promoting her ideas can lift you as well. The women in the Obama White House would amplify each other’s voices. By repeating their ideas, and giving proper attribution (i.e., What a great idea, Susan!), they stemmed the tide of idea co-option and created a more even playing field for everyone.

When you find yourself as the only woman in the room, use the tactics to get your footing; use re-framing to conquer stereotype threat and finally, use your courage to explicitly use your position to become the First Woman in the Room; rather than the only woman.

Our job now is to open the door wide, to prop the door open, to break down the door completely, so others like us — and others not like us — can come and be heard, contribute and join us in this incredible journey of life.

How will you use your superpower?

Originally published on my blog, dianeboettcher.com/blog

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