No, being 'only' harassed is not a thing.

I have been thinking for quite a while on whether I should write this piece on LinkedIN. My mum doesn't agree. But I think the answer is yes.

With Hollywood facing what is probably one of the biggest sex abuse scandals ever, in the last months magazines, tv programs, newspapers have been constantly revisiting the topic. Some days ago, in a cafe, I overheard 2 men commenting a newspaper piece on this, and one of them said "Well now it turns out every woman has been somehow involved in something like this, even those who have only been harassed are coming out". And they laughed. 

Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time I'd overheard this type of conversation. It happened many times in the past, and every time I found myself unable to avoid a fierce discussion. When did the world become a place where people laugh about abuse and harassment? When did a woman reporting someone who abused/harassed her (or tried to) become the one to lecture, and her version of the story something to be verified?

Sadly, we do live in a world where every woman has been cat-called, name-called, or has received proposals she really didn't ask for. Luckily for me, I was never physically abused, but the first time a man offered me "something" in return for me going "out" with him, I was 16. SIXTEEN.

He was probably 50 or 60. He probably had a daughter my age. I was a finalist in an Italian national singing contest, and "one of the first 3 places" was offered to me by one of the organisers, if I agreed to "go to a party with him and have some fun". Whether I'd be first, second or third, that "depended on the fun".

I was a child. I looked like one. I hardly wore makeup and dressed in long baggy shirts and black trousers. Because it was the 90s. I didn't talk much, nor particularly stood out. I was there to sing only. And yet, there he was, a man 10 years older than my father, asking me to go to "a party" with him. Trying to take my hand whilst he talked. I literally ran back to where the other finalists were, but I felt very bad that something like that had happened. I kept thinking that, for some reason, maybe some of the fault was mine. Maybe I had said something that led him to think I was interested in this kind of proposition. 

I never told my parents about this. And my parents were, and are, nice and understanding people, who taught me self-love and self-respect. The ones thanks to whom, that day, I was able to think my integrity was worth more than a win, and probably fame. The ones who instilled in me the knowledge that I would never have to do anything in my life because someone was forcing me to. And still, I never found the courage to tell them. This sneaky, society-induced thought saying that 'maybe it could be my fault' never left me, although, rationally, I am 100% sure I did absolutely nothing to encourage something like that, and it didn't even take me a fraction of a second to say no.

Very sadly, more than a few episodes similar to that first one happened throughout my private and professional life. Suppliers/clients who thought 40-50 personal messages in a week would succeed where the first one, being unanswered, had failed. Men in positions of power (including hiring power) thinking requests for sexual favours in exchange for jobs, or even money (!) would be well received. The amount of no's I said back equals to the amount of proposals I received, but also to that of the scars inflicted each time on my sense of freedom, on the idea that the world is a safe place, and that men and women are always treated equally in life and work. Every scar goes deeper, and reopens the old ones.

Countless friends and acquaintances of mine have been through similar experiences. Some weren't lucky enough to have their counterpart retreating after their no's. Very few of them found the courage to talk to their parents. Even now, aged 40 or so.

This is the world we live in. A world where it's ok to whistle out of a car's window, and feel offended if the person who is receiving this treatment doesn't take it as a compliment.  A world where our NOs are hardly heard and hands are placed on other human beings a little too fast because "after all they smiled". A world where women are made feel guilt for being mentally or physically abused, or harassed.

For these reasons, on one side, I am selfishly happy my son is a boy. Because this makes him 'safer'. On the other side, I constantly ask myself how can I make sure he understands the immense responsibility he has and that he grows up into a man who knows, feels, and truly believes that it is not, nor it will ever be ok (amongst many other things) to:

- Call people (and in this case women) names because of how they dress or what line of work they are in.

- Keep messaging/calling someone who doesn't respond or asks you not to write again. 

- Try to "convince" someone to have any kind of relationship with you, if they are saying no.

- Ignore that Lap dancers, or any type of dancer in fact, models, burlesque artists, hostesses, etc, are people doing their JOBS. The women in this line of work can be very beautiful and dressed in sexy outfits, but have no interest whatsoever in any man "offering" their unsolicited naked pictures, insistent messages, or worse. 

- Ignore that NO MEANS NO. It never meant yes, maybe, perhaps. It never will. It's NO.

- Abuse your power, any type of power, in life, work, family. 

I am an average looking woman. I am definitely rounder that what is considered to be "the perfect shape". I don't use short skirts, or sexy clothes. I don't overdo makeup, but I promote positive body image through my instagram accounts, trying to pass on the message that women should wear what they want, when they want. Yet, every morning I question my outfit choices, wondering if I might attract unwanted attentions. And sometimes, especially if I have to travel alone, or meet people I have never met, I DO change the outfit. Even if the one I was planning to wear was one of my favourite dresses.

No woman should be feeling she has to do that in order to protect herself. No woman should be fearing going for a run in the woods, at the park, or along a river, just because she is alone. No woman should question her interview outfit because "that shirt could make me look easy". (What is 'easy', anyway!).

No form of #abuse or #harassment is ok. There is no such thing as 'only' harassment. No form of #shaming towards those who have the immense courage to denounce abuse should be tolerated.

Not even as a chat between two men reading the newspaper in a cafe. Because, what if that girl was your daughter? Or your girlfriend?

If you are or have been a victim of #stalking , harassment, or abuse, don't wait 24 years like I did. If you have no one to talk to, there is a helpline you can call to get help. Info and numbers here.