Being Nice: Does it Get You What You Want?

There are many ways to define 'nice'. According to Webster's Dictionary it is 'the ability to give pleasure or joy', 'to be friendly, kind and pleasant' and being 'socially acceptable'.

Of course it's nice to be nice, so why does nice receive such a bad rap?

A bit of courtesy here can take you a long way - all the way to the penthouse suite.

Firstly, for many of us it hails back to the #awkward days of high school dating. After walking Carol to and from school for all of year 11, I clearly remember the Christmas holidays when I painstakingly told her how much I really liked her. Carol’s response felt like a stake driving through my heart when she told me I was a great friend and that I was "really nice".

Stuff that, I didn't want to be "nice". I wanted to be hot, and desirable. "Nice" is the doily that sits on your grandmother's antique sideboard. "Nice" is the old guy down the road who gives his neighbours home-grown carrots and beans from his vegie garden. "Nice" is lying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning and hearing the rain dancing on a dusty tin roof. 

Adding to my high school dating experiment, until recently the Darwinian theory of 'survival of the fittest' echoed how many people approached life – to get ahead you need to look out for numero uno and compete against every one else. Attack, or be attacked.

Could both Darwin and I be wrong?

Fast-forward two-and-a-bit decades from Carol's deflating feedback, and science might be ready to change our thinking about being nice. Neuroscientists James Rilling and Gregory Burns from Emory University recently found the act of helping another person triggers activity in the caudate nucleus and anterior regions of the brain – big words to describe the parts of the brain involved in pleasure and reward.

In addition, a study from the Huazhong University in China this year found personality traits such as being nice, kind and generous, increased perceptions of facial attractiveness.

We've all had experiences with a friend/partner whose initial physical attractiveness was diminished once certain personality traits were displayed that are the opposite of nice (such as selfish, moody and rude). And most of us know someone who might not be magazine cover material, but there is still a real attractiveness to them. It pays to be nice.

My new BFF

Earlier this year I subconsciously put this research to the test. I was in Melbourne for work and checking in to a ‘nice’ hotel. It seems Mr Big dog was doing the same, just before me. He was on his mobile phone and when the lovely receptionist asked his name, he kept talking on his mobile, didn't even look up, threw his Amex card across the counter and muttered his surname, demanding "give me two cards for my room". No please, no thank you, no eye contact, no niceness of any description.

Then it was my turn. As I walked to the counter I received a beaming smile from Jessica who opened with, "Hello, how was your day?" I did what my parents taught me to do (and what I'm now teaching my young children to do and smiled back. "I've had a great day thanks, how about you?" If Jessica was upset by Mr Big Dog's appalling conduct, she didn't show it. "With this weather, how can you not be happy? I see you stayed here last month. Welcome back, Mr May."

Then, still smiling, Jessica said: "I've upgraded you to one of our suites on the 33rd floor. You'll have to let me know what you think."

As I thanked her and walked to the lifts, I had no idea what awaited. Level 33, you see, is the hotel's top floor. As I opened the door to my gargantuan room, it dawned on me that my new BFF had put me in literally the best room in the house - the 182-square-metre, newly renovated Premier Suite. When friends joined me that night for dinner at the eight-seat dining table looking out over the Melbourne skyline, with music pumping out of the Bose surround-sound system, in my mind the verdict was in – without doubt, it pays to be nice.

Reciprocity and other secrets

There is a bucket load of absolute rubbish written and filmed about this topic - such as, if you think about getting a car park it will just appear (of course, a car park becomes available only when somebody else is leaving). Or the notion that thinking about being rich will make you wealthy (you become wealthy by working really hard). Or, that you'll be a lot skinnier if you think you are skinnier (you lose weight by exercising and taking control over what you eat).

While there is no real secret, it does pay to be nice. Social psychology refers to reciprocity as "responding to a positive action with another positive action, rewarding kind actions". As a construct, this means in response to friendly actions, people are generally much nicer and more co-operative.

Humans are hard-wired for altruism

Contrary to outdated theories that humans are essentially selfish, scientists are finding that the brain is built for generosity. Acts of kindness are rewarded in the brain.

Dr Suzy Green, a leading psychologist and founder of The Positivity Institute, says: "Increasing amounts of scientific research indicate kindness makes the giver feel good. The kindness receiver also experiences the feel-good response. It creates a moment where they can feel a greater sense of worth about themselves and people in general.

"There are a number of beneficial physical and psychological responses, with the most obvious being the 'feel good' sensation, known as 'helper's high'. 

"When engaging in acts of kindness, the body releases endorphins. These morphine-like substances create the feel-good experience. This can have the capacity to reduce or even block pain signals to the brain. Regular, small acts of kindness have a positive effect on your physical and mental wellbeing, and also on your longevity."

Did I get the hotel upgrade simply because Mr Big Dog made me look like the world's best customer, or was it because I made an impact on Jessica by being genuinely nice, or was it just luck?

Who really knows? But I'm confident that saying hello to someone, making eye contact, smiling, and using their name dramatically increases the chances they will do something good for you.

Let me know your feedback: Do you think it pays to be nice?

Main sources: Hard-Wired for Giving, Elizabeth Svoboda, WSJ, 2013

(Article originally published for Fairfax' Executive Style - https://www.executivestyle.com.au/being-nice-does-it-get-you-what-you-want-11q3lh#ixzz4PsLiAPln)

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Workplace performance expert Andrew May is a Partner at KPMG Performance Clinic, a best-selling author and keynote speaker. He has spent the past 20 years helping business leaders and their teams improve performance, productivity and wellbeing.

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