Being more Self Compassionate

Imagine you’re going through a rough patch, one of the toughest ordeals you’ve ever had to cope with in life. You’re facing all sorts of challenges, obstacles, difficulties. It’s painful and stressful, and there’s no quick fix or easy solution. Now as you go through this, what kind of companion would you like by your side? The kind of companion who says, with a cold, uncaring voice, “Suck it up, princess. I don’t want to hear your whingeing and whining. What have you got to complain about? There are starving kids in Africa, this is trivial. What’s wrong with you? Why are you so weak? Just shut up and get on with it.”?

Or the kind of companion who says, with a kind and caring voice, “This is really tough. And I want you to know, I’ve got your back. I’m going to help you get through this. I’m with you every step of the way.”?

It’s a no-brainer, right? All of us would choose the second companion over the first. What this second companion demonstrates is a quality called “compassion”, which means acknowledging the suffering of others and responding with kindness and caring. Sadly, the truth is, most of us are a lot better at being compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. When we are in pain, we often treat ourselves a lot more like the first companion than the second.

As the great R.E.M. song goes, “Everybody hurts sometimes”. Life dishes up pain for all of us. We all get to repeatedly experience disappointment, frustration, failure, rejection, illness, injury, conflict, hostility, grief, fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, guilt, loss, loneliness, health issues, financial issues, relationship issues, work issues, and so on. And unfortunately, when we experience great pain, we often don’t treat ourselves very well. We often treat ourselves a lot like the first companion I described previously - with a cold, uncaring attitude and a lot of harsh judgment and criticism.

Step 1. So our first step in being compassionate to ourselves, is to acknowledge – with genuine kindness and caring – our suffering, our difficulties, our challenges; and just how tough and painful it is right now. A good guide for this is to ask yourself “What would I say to someone I love, if they were suffering in a similar way, and I wanted to acknowledge that with genuine kindness?

Step 2 is to respond to yourself in a way that conveys caring and kindness. One simple way to do this is through developing the skill of kind self-talk.

1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.

2. Common humanity vs. Isolation

Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification

Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

If you would like help on being more Self Compassionate, visit www.socialworx.com.au