Being a male ally or change agent isn't easy. Let's call men in with respect for who and where they are.

Engaging men as allies requires compassionate, mindful leadership and applying the practice of 'Do no harm' to all. How do we 'engage not enrage men' so they feel motivated and inspired to take a greater stand for equity and inclusion?

Recently I had a very impromptu, but insightful, open and honest conversation with a male leader working in the inclusion space concerned by the expectations of some women who were calling men out over their perceived inaction, apathy or errors around gender inequality and the impact it was having on some mens mental health.

I immediately heard him and his concerns, related to them and could see where he is coming from.

And yet..

We are overflowing with data on the uphill battles that women and other groups face.

A recent 'alarming' UN report confirms that nine out of 10 people are biased against women (please let that figure land) and The Global Gender Gap Index which annually benchmarks the current state and evolution of gender parity across four key dimensions (Economic Participation and Opportunity, Educational Attainment, Health and Survival, and Political Empowerment) shows that globally it will take 154 years for women to reach gender parity at the current rates.

It's not something that me or my two bright and talented nieces are likely to see, so I get it and I feel it. Deeply. Women are rightly fed up, angry and very, very frustrated to the point of sometimes boiling over.

And we do need men to do more.

But how, in a way that engages not enrages?

How, in an emotionally intelligent way that models the very skills we are wanting men to master?

We need to meet men where they are, and consider who they are.

We won't achieve change on our own and it does require teamwork.

According to data from the HeForShe Alliance 90% of heads of government & leaders are men yet the population of men to women is closer to 50:50. We know that we can't speak for others lived experiences or ever truly understand what it feels like to walk in another's shoes so however good (or not) these mens intentions they cannot be making fully inclusive decisions. As a woman who has seen the bias of men in leadership roles since my early 20's, it can feel like we are constantly banging our heads against a very high and mighty impenetrable wall.

But assuming all men are equally responsible and equally able to step up in the same ways to affect change or challenge is wrong. The work of men and the personal growth required to affect societal change needs consideration, compassion and care.

The Patriarchy is extremely pervasive and damages us all

I have recently been doing some intense energy work as part of a group program releasing the Trinity wounds inflicted upon the feminine throughout history. Sub consciously holding the pain of being a woman in a patriarchal culture, the pain of being betrayed or wounded by other women in our lives (who acted from fear for their safety) or?the pain of being hunted and persecuted for being a woman with strong convictions and inherent power, has huge societal implications and contributes to a vicious cycle of learnt and reactive behaviour that can harm us all. But in releasing and reclaiming our inner power, I've seen how women can challenge the narratives that have devalued and oppressed, and can better meet men, heart on. I know it's helping me to connect in new ways.

At a collective level, the wounds we hold (having had them passed down from generation to generation in our psyche and hearts), perpetuate suffering and disempowerment with stuck emotions such as rage, fear, guilt, shame, and worthlessness seemingly wired into our DNA.?But once shifted we can let go of the narratives that devalue women and hold men stuck and communicate as engaged, empathetic, and whole-hearted people. This work is so powerful that later this year I will be working on a project to help release the wounds inflicted upon the masculine throughout our times. Let's connect if this could be for you.

Engagement and ally-ship is not 'one size fits all' or a 'fixed' state

Research has been done on 'why men don't engage' and my own straw poll and experience in a group of almost 40 male allies shows that whilst some men like to speak up and be very proactive, others like to listen and learn, seeming extremely quiet even though they are taking everything in. Some men have shared they are staying on the sidelines until they feel safe to act or do more. Others, that focusing on being an ally at home or in non-work settings feels enough right now.

Women may find this at odds with the data that shows, in mixed meetings, 75% of speaking time is made up by men, and the clear and consistent pattern that it’s usually men who won’t shut up - especially powerful men. But on a public platform like LinkedIn where posts can be seen by your peers and the implications are different, not all men feel safe or inclined to jump into the fray. And that is both ok and something we need to change. If you're outgoing and confident it might feel second nature to speak up and call others in (never out) but if you're an introvert or more thoughtful man reflecting on the bigger picture you may not.

I know many women who default to the belief that 'men have had it easy' but the truth is: men today are suffering and are also feeling pain. Some men may relish going to war, being the breadwinner, being 'the strong one', but many I'm talking and listening to say they feel vulnerable, scared, confused and afraid.

There are strong statistical links to harmful masculine stereotypes that have measurable societal and economic costs and it will take a collective effort to transform the effects of harmful masculine norms and the behaviour that keeps them so ever present in our world.

Some men say they don't know 'how' to change. Or feel their role as a man is to work hard and not 'rock the boat.' Men I know are struggling to juggle their evolution and just keep their mental health in check.

It's not easy learning to be a more emotionally intelligent leader, battling against an inner critic that says you need to 'know-it-all' even though we now encourage 'learn-it-all' leadership. It's not easy being a more present partner or father when your company's culture doesn't encourage this growth. It's perhaps unrealistic to expect a new Dad who is just finding his feet to be as outwardly vocal as someone with teenagers but sometimes these life changes give us new passion and vigour to speak out.

So whilst I'd love to wave a magic wand that would help all men be immediately more comfortable shaking up the status quo, my sense is, many men today are doing the best they can. Or - which is vitally important to remember - are taking action in other ways that they are naturally able or better served to do. And not every man is making a song or dance about it!

The journey to becoming an ally and change agent

That doesn't mean though I'm giving men a free pass to sit back, stay silent and do nothing at all.

The resources for men are endless. And the need is huge.

Token Man Founder Daniele Fiandaca talks about taking men on a journey to support, then inspire and recruit men to become agents of change and along with Robert Baker they have created a 'Lean in Matrix' to explain. Why not have an honest conversation with a close male friend to look at where you are now as opposed to where you'd like to be and commit to one next step for changing that?

Myself and Animah Kosai are leading a (currently free) learning group and safe space: "Learnings for Male Allies" as part of The Speaking Up Network . We share resources and have conversations with men who are curious about how they can do more in a way that feels right for them. If you're interested to join please message us directly and we can share more.

In the 90 day Healthy Masculinity in Leadership and work that myself and Daniel Stane are leading on, we take men on a 3 step journey to uncover, accept and transform so that 'being an ally' can really come to life.

In meeting men wherever they are, the work we do explores any recurring patterns that are showing up (it could be a relationship breakdown, a sense of burnout, insomnia or challenging communication issues with your team) to question the current assumptions currently held. (It's someone else's fault, this is how it is etc).

From this observation point we hold space to invite radical honesty and accountability for the part that men have and do still play (as the collective and the individual), in keeping the current gender norms in place. (This can be challenging but if you start even by imagining you're responsibly for two percent this puts you in a new place of control).

Then, and only then, we move to transforming outdated thinking and behaviour (without shame or blame) and map out what it looks like to show up in collaborative and inclusive ways and model a healthier version of masculinity. Every single day.

Men can join this journey just as they are just starting to lean in and build their awareness about these issues, having previously been oblivious to the much of the obvious (my words and experience) or already involved in I&D. It will not just help you be a better leader for others but a healthier and happy leader in your own life too.

We are currently inviting men who know they are ready to show up and lead differently to join a cohort of 8-10 men open to doing the same. Please contact me here.

Going back to the original purpose of this article, to acknowledge the challenges on men and how we need to support each other as we grow, my sense is it is hard for women and men and some women do have high expectations on men which can push them away.

Women have been doing the heavy lifting and shouldering the burden of male violence, sexism and discrimination for so long (with women of colour doing the most) that we don't celebrate the tentative steps men take and sometimes we forget to be kind.

But the truth is: it's not easy for anyone - men included - to go again societal norms and speak up and challenge the status quo and none of us know what is going on in someone else's life.

Changing the world is a collective endeavour. Let's ensure we do it with care.