Being Liked Vs. Likeability (And Why it Matters at the Bargaining Table)

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The Gilded Age is one of my favorite shows. This series depicts life within one of the most exclusive social sets the world has ever known: New York at the turn of the century. In the show, the wives of tycoons and titans jockey to determine who sits at the top of the social pecking order—but they don’t fight with their fists. Instead, they maneuver within an intricate popularity contest, ostentatiously flaunting their wealth to determine the champion. For them, being liked by the Grande Dame of society, Caroline Astor, is critical. Because in their world, popularity isn’t a preference—it’s necessary.

In the real world, popularity is great, but does it really matter all that much? Although being liked by others greatly matters in The Gilded Age, it does little to bring them genuine happiness. For many of these women, the pursuit of being liked comes at the expense of who they are, but when their fortunes disappear, so do their “friends.”

Likeability and being liked aren’t the same. Likeability is when you put your best, most authentic foot forward. You show empathy, extend common courtesy, and express genuine curiosity while being yourself. Try as you might, you can’t control whether or not someone likes you. You can behave in a way that works for them, but ultimately, the choice is theirs, not yours. Likeability, on the other hand, you can control because how you conduct yourself and present who you are is on you.

So, rather than changing yourself to conform to what others expect or want you to be, why not lead with humanity by following a basic, yet incredibly important, concept: the Golden Rule. You may feel alone in your choice as society tends to reward the opposite. Seemingly, the more self-centered you are, the more successful you become. But new research has found that negotiations are starting to embrace approaches typically attributed to women. Change is slow, though, and moving toward relationship-based negotiations is still an exception.

Think back to the playground. Would you have preferred to play with a kind friend or the one who wouldn’t share their toys the last time you played? Obviously, you pick a kind friend! This instinct to move in the direction of decency is innate and lives inside you from a very young age. Unfortunately, you can lose this elementary wisdom as you get older.

The workplace is no different. If you’re weighing a choice to work with someone pleasant and kind or someone who’s a complete nightmare to be around, who will you pick? Likeability matters because when you treat others the way you want to be treated, they take notice. When people see you in action, they’re more likely to show kindness in return. If you need help, they may even be generous.

Negotiations are similar. Treat others with kindness and respect at the bargaining table, and they may respond in kind. You can do this, even if you have a more intense negotiation style. Just don’t become aggressive at the expense of your counterpart. Lean into likeability to create mutual respect on both sides of the table.

Try not to confuse being liked with likeability. To be clear, being liked does matter, but there’s a difference between conforming to society’s expectations and being a kind, empathetic version of yourself. Instead, find a way to be yourself without alienating others around you. That’s the sweet spot where the best things happen. This comes easier for some than others, but when you consider the stakes, how could you approach negotiations and life any other way?

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