Being Human, It's Messy... And That's OK
Amanda Jayne OHare
I teach AuDHD entrepreneurs how to plan their food, exercise and lifestyle to support their unique energy so they can thrive in life and business
It's midterm and I got the dates wrong.
We happily trotted off down the road in the frosty yet bright. sunshiny morning off down to the school. It was only when we dipped into the Co-op to grab a chocolate croissant and a bottle of water that someone tipped me off. Whoopsie!
I knew there was Monday to Wednesday off, I just forgot about Friday.
I know that once upon a time this would have felt like a disaster, or take it as evidence of my clear incompetency; ruminating on it and probably feeling shame. Not today, today I laughed it off and we just bounced back off up the road home again.
That's not particularly how the rest of the week has felt though.
This last week has been marked by not one, not two, but three autistic meltdowns this week - mine, not Ruby's.
At times, It's been heavy and they're incredibly emotionally and physically draining; and while I'd prefer not to have them, they have been a pretty invaluable signpost to where I've been trying to carry too much on my own, bury down my true feelings and have been masking a little too much.
Until I understood meltdowns, I used to carry so much shame around them. I guess because it's so often assumned that autistic meltdowns are something you have as a child and you just grow out of them... Well, you don't!
Whilst there are things you can do to minimise the frequency or intensity of them, there are just so many things outwith our control that make them inevitable at some point.
Part of me gets frustrated because I think I've unmasked quite a lot, and then something comes along to make me realise how much I am still holding back my true self.
It's at times like these, I find myself wishing that my affirmation of a business name was just my actual name - because I feel like I'm a fraud, creating a false promise - yikes!
See how hard the inner critic can go? And that's me being tame with it.
The thing is, I know that's not true, for one, because when I am talking about myself of my courses, even all the way throughout it - I'm not making out that I'm here to get rid of the challenging parts - I'm here to help you understand you as a whole and how to create love, acceptance and compassion towards all parts of you.
Change is uncomfortable and yet it's the only true constant we have. At the same time, as an autistic person, having routine and knowing what is coming is pretty fundamental to my wellbeing - knowing how to move with the tides is something I've come to adapt through some pretty extreme circumstances and though they help - they don't eliminate all challenges.
The season I'm in in life and business right now is uncertain and new. Where that is really exciting, it's also brought out all of my deepest fears to play.
I've been dancing with all the cognitive distortions -
catastrophising - jumping straight to the worst case scenario when a fear or block comes up - instead of the best case scenario or most likely scenario
minimising the positives and magnifying the negatives - overlooking everything that is going right and I'm doing well (which is most things) to instead focus on one minor flaw, convinced everyone will notice only that! Because I am!
mind reading - jumping to assume what others are thinking, often linked with hypervigilance; almost always to assume the worst, or negative
and
overgeneralising - making a mistake and linking it with 'always' or 'never' - like making a mistake once and then telling yourself you always do it and what's the point, when, really, you don't always do it.
A lot, right? Experiencing so many of these had my mind so busy, it stole my sleep! - cue meltdowns.
Thankfully, with the hypnotherapy I've been doing based upon Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and working with my therapist to declutter my mind by verbally process everything that has been buzzing around my brain - both my sleep and my level of calm are on the uptick phew.
The thing is, at home and my time with Ruby has been so peaceful and joyful; and despite my shoddy rest, I had 2 great runs of 10k and 7.5miles this week that lit up my soul.
When things get tough, particularly with your sleep, it's really easy to start to shrink your life to focus on making the problems go away (oh my days, believe me!) but this is where being able to recognise the patterns is really helpful; as well as knowing when to ask for help.
It's not infallible.
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I could say that I asked for help too late, or didn't catch my thoughts soon enough - but the reality is, I am a human being; being courageous enough to create a good life experience for Ruby and I; by throwing myself into things that are challenging me - and as a single parent and not having my parents around, I can often feel the pressure of holding it all even with loads of people in my life around me; even if they aren't physically nearby.
The little me is still in there looking for my mum and dad.
So, if you find you're resonating with any part of this. Be gentle with yourself. The world is loud right now and if you're out there doing your best - sometimes it can be challenging to recognise just how great that is!
Take time to journal in the morning to declutter any critical thoughts and replace them with ones that make you your biggest cheerleader. At the end of the day, recall something you're proud of yourself for and what would make the next day even better.(You can find the link to my morning and evening journal practice at the bottom of this email, or it comes included in Nourishment.)
Would you like to have a sneak peek in Nourishment? I'd love to gather some testimonials and feedback from 10 people, if you're up for helping me out with this - I have created a 1 week free trial where you can enjoy part one of Nourishment: Food, Exercise and Lifestyle Planning for AuDHD Entrepreneurs and gain some real clarity on your journey from the get go - plus, you asked, I listened! Until the 26th February there is a 5-part payment plan available.
Are you in?
Have a great weekend!
Amanda Jayne