Being Human

Have you ever had to give feedback??Did it work??How about receiving it??Did you reply that you knew what you were being told already and that the specific circumstances were the cause?

In that case it could have been you and me last week in conversation.?It wasn’t, I know but I was working with a team who weren't communicating well with each other. They are all great people but haven't quite gelled as a cross functional team. ?There were complex unspoken resentments, disappointments and tensions that clung to the team like ivy. ?As I was asking one member, call them Su, to confirm who in the team was responsible for signing off their work they provided a name, let’s call them Jim, and then said: "But I often double check with Jim's boss to make sure."

As I paused, the others chimed in nodding, “Yes.” “Yeah, it’s always best to be sure it’s really signed off.” “Sure.” “

And I tell Jim where he’s gone wrong.”

Quietly I asked, "How do you think that makes Jim feel?"

"Oh but that's how we've done it before and it's just to doubly make sure it's the right thing to send out" was their agreed reply amplified by nodding.

I repeated my question, "How do you think that makes Jim feel?" Silence.

"How would it make you feel?" Long silence.

Humans are weird . Unlike machines, feelings matter.

They were starting to get a bit uncomfortable. Slowly they were realising that the 'process' might not be the best.?Going to a more powerful stakeholder ‘above’ of someone who believed proudly that they had the responsibility for sign off, to their boss, was about a person's 'feelings'. Humans are weird . Unlike machines feelings matter. Feelings of hurt would have a huge effect on the formation of a gelled team.?Teams gel when the people have a shared goal, individual accountabilities and responses and most importantly interdependence.

Hurt feelings mean low trust and low trust means no interdependence!

I waited through the long silence, but instead of the Aha! I'd hoped for they became defensive. One said "I hear what you're saying," which as we all know is code for I don't care what you're saying, "but it's just-in-case." Then with added emphasis, "And anyway, Jim hasn’t complained."

Have I taught you the scratched vinyl record technique? Well I used it. I just repeated the question. Asking Su calmly again. Now with a reluctant resignation Su answered, "They probably don't feel very good."

In those last moments I’d heard sniggering.?It was one of the more senior members of the team.?It seems they were enjoying that their team mate, Su, was getting challenged. I then turned to them and asked, calmly,

"I hear you've asked team members to tell you about who they are emailing and why."

"Yes, of course " they responded shortly, "So I know what they are doing. That's my job."?“I can read the emails and give them feedback on what they’ve done incorrectly.”

"So you say it’s not enough to just know what objectives they’ve been set, and let them tell you their issues and when the key actions have been delivered or do you need to know the full details of everything, they are doing step-by-step correcting them as you go?"

Again, the mood hardened and the sniggering stopped.?"Well I just need to know what's going on in the team?" they said defensively.

“I get it,” I conceded, “to make sure they are getting everything right, you are micromanaging them rather than allowing them to deliver their objectives with a level of autonomy and trust?" then the scratched record went round again. "How do you think that makes them feel?

“Well if it isn’t working, they should have said came back another defensive reply.”

It’s about a person's feelings

You could almost hear the realisation beginning to sink in. It’s not about the process. It’s about a person's feelings. And devastating impact that had on keeping the team dysfunctional.?The tensions I’d seen that had been built up couldn’t be defused because they were ‘emotional and all the feedback they shared and was only about ‘process’.

Often when we give or are given feedback it's on the objective, the task at hand because it’s easy. It is also seen as criticism and pretty ineffective.?If you want to give the type of effective feedback in a team that will diffuse the tensions and gel the team don’t forget there is a person involved who has feelings. ?And that you also have feeling – so use those as you work on your feedback chat using the BackChatFed. PET*

?"Jim I said try this.?“Fill in the blanks for me.. ‘When you…’”

“Went above and around me as if I was irrelevant and then came and told me my sign off was wrong.”?said Jim slowly

“I felt”

A slight pause then, “Frustrated, embarrassed and in a hot angry flush”

“Would you like them to do more of this or less?”

“Please can you do less of this?” said Jim hopefully.

“You’re supposed to say, ‘Thank you’ to Jim he’s just made your team life better”

There was a chorus of “Thank you Jim!”

*A PET is a People Engagment Tool

https://QUBE.cc/PETs/FedBackChat