Being Highly Sensitive - What the ..?

After coming out as a highly sensitive person, people asked me about this. The concept is unknown to many (and was for me as well).

Firstly, HSPs (highly sensitive people) are highly sensitive. They do not "have it." It is not classified as an illness or defect. We are located somewhere in the regular spectrum, and I tend to agree. However, the traits we have often do not align with societal norms. More on that later...

This article does not aim to provide a scientific definition (seek that elsewhere), but rather a subjective description.

Still, let's start with the Wikipedia definition:

"Sensory processing sensitivity (SPS) is a temperamental or personality trait involving 'an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social, and emotional stimuli.'"

In simpler words: we process a lot more than the average person. And we process it on a much deeper level. Often, this is paired with high intelligence, making it a really powerful trait.

Sounds like a superpower? It is!

• We are usually empaths. We instinctively know other people's feelings and needs, often better than they do themselves. Our intuition is out of this world.
• We notice and process details others don’t. This can be in the environment, in interactions, architecture, business strategy, negotiations—everywhere!
• Many of us are incredibly creative. I can't paint or sing. I can’t even clap to the rhythm. But others do all of that. My creativity, for instance, is in how I analyze complex dynamics and form them into a clear, actionable view of the world.
• We are deep thinkers. We instinctively understand deeper meanings and connections. Many of us have a strong connection to nature, if we are not locked inside our minds. More on that later.
• The way we understand, connect, and reflect enables us to think, feel, and act in ways that are bigger than ourselves. Usually, we are very value-oriented with a strong sense of what is right and fair. We do not compromise on that, even if it is not helpful for our personal goals.

Sounds great so far? Feeling jealous yet? Don’t. For me, these upsides all felt natural—just how I am. I did not work for this. It came for free, and it came with a lot of things I did not welcome until recently.

• We are easily overwhelmed. It can be light, noise, people, or a change in scenery. For me, it is mostly people’s emotions and situations that conflict strongly with my values. When this happens and I do not realize early enough that I need to detach (I am learning tools for this currently), I sometimes completely melt down. If you are not like this, you cannot imagine how it feels—how urgent the need to make it stop is. Know the scenes of autistic kids holding their ears shut and screaming in meltdowns? This is how it feels. When the waves collapse over us, we need to fight for our lives. We will break all connections and burn all bridges just to make it stop. In these situations, all empathy stops. Suddenly, we are among enemies and threats. And usually, we fight, which is often largely inappropriate.
• This can happen at home: I tell you, in a patchwork family with three kids, there are a lot of emotions all the time. I cannot help but try to make everyone happy, fighting for everything fair, all the time. I feel what they feel, all the time.
• Out with friends: recently, I was out with two friends, and both connected a lot to the environment. Small talk at the bar here, inviting a stranger to the round there. I became more quiet and was asked repeatedly how I was. I was not well. When I reflected on why that was, I realized that the rapid context switches were one problem. Connecting to so many people in such a short time was extremely challenging for me. Another aspect was that I felt everyone. I felt the nervousness of the men approaching my friends. I felt everything that was non-genuine. I felt the disappointment of those left aside when something or someone else attracted attention. It was hard for me to have short conversations that were interrupted all the time. I realized why I always had very few close friends, why I enjoy sitting with a close friend all night and talking deeply the most, and why I was never a great socializer. It is exhausting to notice all the feelings of all the people all the time, while they mostly ignore it themselves.
• At work: my superpowers make me a great leader—authentically caring, understanding everything that’s wrong, knowing how to move forward, intrinsically motivated by the company's and team's success, naturally combining strong values and a strong urge to make the business thrive. But I am also exposed to a lot of things all day. In phases where I can solve problems, improve, make people more successful and happy, help the business grow or survive, this can be extremely energizing. In phases with a high intensity of toxic dynamics, this is extremely draining and overwhelming. Being an executive manager, the lack of resilience among toxic people affecting others and the business in a negative way is a real and significant weakness. There is usually little understanding for emotional outbursts and little openness to listen and improve.
• Highly sensitive people often have a hard time coping with stress. They often have a problem disconnecting. Because of their empathy, they tend to put themselves into other people’s shoes. In doing so, they sometimes do not notice when things are in conflict with their inner selves. Actually, because high sensitivity is often punished by the environment, HSPs often learn to ignore who they are and try to be someone more compliant with society as kids. This leads to situations where they feel everyone else but not themselves anymore. Situations where they apply all their tools and energy to be someone they are not.
• We are often not good at accepting criticism. This is because we are usually already very critical of ourselves. And it often goes along with the previously mentioned point. If we invest all we have into trying to be what you want us to be, it can be brutal to learn that we fail.

So being an HSP means a lot of things, and it is very diverse. It is a gift if accepted, embraced, and utilized well. But the world is often not made for us, and more than often, some of our traits are looked at as weaknesses.

Learning about this, embracing the superpowers, and aiming to create environments that are healthy for people like me is a challenge worth accepting. We bring immense value to our environments, and we can be as overwhelming as we are often overwhelmed.

Sources:

• Wikipedia - Sensory Processing Sensitivity
• The internet
• Introspection, reflection, empathy, and thought work