On Being Good

Or... Help! Facts Are Under Attack, Science Is Being Ignored, Bullying Is On The Rise, And I Can't Just Look Away

On average, we spend more time working than we do on any other activity, including sleep. I looked it up. A December 2016 report from the US Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that on an average day in 2015, Americans ages 25 to 54, who live in households with children under 18, spent an average of 8.8 hours working or in work-related activities, 7.8 hours sleeping, 2.6 hours doing leisure and sports activities, and 1.2 hours caring for others, including children. My experience in the tech industry within the Bay Area is skewed towards even longer work hours.

We work long and hard. But how do we work? And is there something about the way we work that can make a difference? Just that. The way we work. Is there a difference between just showing up at work every day versus showing up as your best self? Yes. I say yes. I believe the way we work makes a difference that truly matters. This is not a political article, but I'm not going to lie -- 2016 was rough and as February fast approaches, 2017 looks even rougher. I've been thinking about what it means to be good, to be honest, and how I choose to behave as a way to counteract what is swirling all around me in the news.

It's time to reflect on my values and how I behave. While I often separate my personal life from my professional one, my values cut across everything I do. I have core beliefs that are true when I'm at home with my kid, out with friends, or in the office and it's time for me to re-examine and renew my commitment to what I value.

How we behave at work has a ripple effect. I've sat through meetings where people inappropriately yelled at each other and were disrespectful of other's opinions. I've gone home in a lousy mood, my own dark cloud bringing everybody in my family down with me. Disrespectful behavior is draining and demotivating. I've had my moments of being the asshole in the room and while I committed to myself long ago to not be that person, I have also determined that it's not enough. Yes. Be good. Do good work. But there's more to it than that. I made a commitment to support good work and create an environment where everyone is at their best. It feels more important than ever today.

Good Work

There are two basic principles that have guided my behavior at work for many years now, but I hadn't put any of this into words until recently. It sounds simple.

1. Be respectful.
2. Be honest.

At first glance, these principles might sound too basic to warrant discussion, but it can be a daily challenge to stay true to these two seemingly simple principles.

Be Respectful

It's easy to respect someone when you agree with their opinion, but how do you respect the person across the table who aggressively argues against something you just said? How do you show respect to someone, and why is it important, when that person behaves rudely or otherwise disrupts a meeting. How do you show respect and also call someone out on their bad behavior or point out a major flaw in their performance?

Being respectful is about acknowledging everyone's contribution and addressing inappropriate behavior. I look for a person's motivation to help guide my response. Let's look at a scenario. You're in a meeting when Jim puts an idea forward and Jane shoots the idea down with finger pointing, a raised voice, and clear disrespect. Jim gets angry. Jane responds in kind. The rest of people in the meeting start lining up behind Jim or Jane and the debate gets more and more heated and negative. What do you do?

Let's say this is a make or break technical decision with implications that could last for years. This is a business meeting. Something needs to get decided. But I believe the situation goes beyond that fact. There are people here with regular emotions who should feel good about themselves, their contributions, and the business. It could be the last straw of a strong employee who has been frustrated by a bad working relationship and is ready to start looking for a new job. Look around you, is someone going home stewing about this? Is anyone getting red in the face or starting to check out? Diffusing situations like this can have a very meaningful impact on the business, your co-workers, and ultimately on you.

Here's what I've learned. Get the conflict on the table in such a way that everyone can participate in helping to resolve it. What's the business problem? Call it out so that the focus is back on the core item at hand. Re-iterate Jim's idea. Call Jane out for being rude and ask her to adjust her tone, but extract her counter-argument and objectively reframe it. Know that it is possible to respect everyone in that meeting, including anyone who disrupted the flow.

Best of all, you don't even have to know how to resolve every situation that arises in order to stick to these principles - you just need to be able to identify an issue and have the courage to call it out. If you can't figure out how to reframe a negative situation, ask the group for help. See it. Point it out. Help make it better.

Be Honest

At heart, being honest is about having integrity. Full honesty often means telling a hard truth. You end up directly confronting others in ways that can be difficult to do effectively and make a positive impact.

As a seasoned manager, one of the most difficult conversations I've faced is talking with an employee about a performance issue. I've been asked to take over management of failing employees. In these cases, I am usually working with someone who was rarely, if ever, given direct feedback relating to issues with their performance. This is a tough situation. Made more difficult because you are dealing with a person who has spent a long time being unaware of how they are truly perceived by their peers.

I find it helpful to really take that in and acknowledge how unfairly their previous managers have treated the person. I imagine some managers think they're being kind by not sharing criticism, but the opposite is true. It is not only unkind not to be honest in a situation like this, but it's also unfair to the employee. They deserve to know the truth. They deserve that you respect their ability to learn and grow enough to be honest with them. That's my starting point for any conversation around performance. Identify how you are helping the other person and start from there.

I can tell you that even in the worst situation, this principle has paid off for me. I have had to let people go for performance issues but I've done so with respect to the other person and only after having been completely honest about what is not working and attempting to correct the situation. The outcome has been painful but civil and with no hard feelings. And believe me, it ripples through the organization. When you're honest with someone and respectful during painful times like being let go, everyone involved comes out of the situation with a lot more respect for you and for the company.

Why This Matters

If work is the majority of our lives, how we work is important. I want to be my best self at the office and I expect the same from my co-workers. If we treat one another with respect and hold ourselves to a high level of integrity, it makes a difference beyond the office. And in 2017, when blatant lack of respect for others and a disregard for the truth is nearly always on the front page of the news, I am more convinced than ever before how necessary it is to stick to my core principles. Do good work. Be respectful. Be honest. See what happens.