Being Firm And Gentle

One area which comes up frequently in coaching conversations is being assertive. The usual manifestation of this is – I cannot say no. Or I do not like to have difficult conversations. Or I do not want to spoil relationships. Hence, I am overworked or bossed over or feel neglected or feel frustrated or get stressed or many other symptoms.

But assertiveness is more than saying no. It is needed in many situations. When you push for an idea. Or when you ask for resources. Or when you see something which is incorrect and needs change.

Assertiveness starts in the mind. It comes from a well-developed value system and a willingness to stand up for it. It also needs self-confident mind. It needs the willingness to handle the consequences which may emerge from being assertive. It also needs language skills. How to express yourself firmly but gently. And that is critical – expression of assertiveness comes from words and tones.

This piece comes from the experience with a senior leader whose intent to be assertive in some situations was not well supported by her language skills. She was very articulate otherwise but in such situations words eluded her. Her choice of words and tone made her appear aggressive. If she asked a question it appeared like an accusation. If she offered a viewpoint it appeared like a judgement. If she pushed an idea, it came across as being too forceful.

She set about discovering words and phrases which would be firm but gentle. Here are a few that she researched and discovered and added to her conversations. Along with a tone that was calm, respectful and understanding.

For expressing her needs and boundaries:

·???????? "I understand your perspective, but it's important to me that..."

·???????? "I'm comfortable with... but ….? would be a stretch"

·???????? "I'd appreciate it if we could..."

·???????? "We can discuss but I do need to prioritize..."

·???????? "I understand your perspective, but we need to move with what has been decided."

·???????? "I respect your concern, but we must stay on track with the timeline."

·???????? "I need you to respect my space right now. I am doing my job."

·???????? "It’s important that we communicate respectfully, so I’d appreciate it we could keep the tone calm."

·???????? "I cannot accept this behaviour, but I’m happy to talk about it when we’re both calm."

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For responding to criticism or disagreement:

·???????? "I appreciate your feedback. I'll give that some thought. But I do hope that it is fine if I disagree"

·???????? "I see your point, but I have a different perspective. Let's try to find a solution that works for both of us."

·???????? "I understand you feel that way, but I’m going to have to insist on this decision."

·???????? "I know you want to help, but I’ve already made up my mind on this."

To set the right expectations:

·???????? "I'm hoping we can agree on..."

·???????? "It's important to me that we both feel comfortable with..."

·???????? "I'd like to establish some ground rules for..."

These could be useful to all of us since we can sometimes feel that we have not been able to assert our viewpoint. While these phrases help, they need to be modified as per your comfort and what sits well with you. Regular practice makes that happen.

We also need to work on our tone and body language. What you say is important. How you say it is even more important. The right tone is often the result of the right thought process. Willingness to listen, respect for disagreements and not treating a conversation like a war all help in getting the tone right. And a relaxed non-threatening body language with a smile and an understanding nod are also great enablers for assertiveness.

Being firm and gentle at the same time.