Being a fire starter: lessons in stepping up to build a community

I became the head of a community support group, and I didn’t foresee that coming.?

Growing up, I’ve had this fixation that I have no dreams of my own and I can only support other people in making their dreams come true. My life changed when I began coaching and doing personal development (inner) work. I saw that maybe I could also realise my dreams.

In 2019, the community support group (CSG) was formed in Live Your Mark. It is a community volunteer-run group, where people come together, and form into small groups to work on individual meaningful life projects for themselves. The respective groups are managed by respective facilitators.

I took on the Head of CSG role from Jan 2023 till date (June 2024), and in 2022 as the Head of Facilitators. If you asked me back in 2019, I don’t think I would ever see myself in any of these positions.

I’ve grown as a person over the years, and I want to capture that in this piece of what I learned about my stepping-up journey.

Wanting to do it?all

When I first joined CSG, I was an aspiring coach wanting to take the opportunity to hone my skillsets with any opportunity that I get to deepen my group and to give back to the community who supported me.?

Every session, I will push myself to use my coaching skillsets to deepen and get my team members somewhere. I felt like this was the responsibility of a Primary facilitator. And I thought that I had to be the one to hold everyone and add a lot of value to everyone. So I pushed and pushed, and tire myself out every session. It was very fulfilling though, and I enjoyed that. That was my limited understanding of leadership then.?

It was not until my other members said they wanted to facilitate too, that I realised that I wasn’t giving them what they wanted but rather unintentionally force-fed my philosophies and ideas.

That was my first lesson ever to have the mis-expectations right in my face, and recognise the importance of mutual agreements, and the role that they play.

I felt bad initially. Yet, I felt the love and support that they have given me in the process that I couldn’t appreciate before. And I was able to start to acknowledge the missing self-love I have and to work from there.?

Break.?

So I shifted my focus, to create a space, where people can take turns to contribute their ideas and run some of the sessions in pairs.?

It was great, and yet there are pressures on the wider community, cross-group administrative to be handled. With each of us feeling so busy that we had to manage our groups, nobody had the space and capacity to step up since we were repeating the same thing in different groups (figuring out the sequence, and how to run the groups).?

As it was new, there were many figuring out along the way. It was fun for me. I preferred the figuring out.

Then, a “task force” was set up to centralise some of the planning, administration and management. When the figuring out was done, I decided I was done too. And as a burnt-out facilitator, I left for a bit.

Yet after 6 months, something was still drawing me back. I missed people, I miss the conscious conversations that bring me to my awareness of my blind spots and a group of people who can support one another through overcoming them.?

Then I came back again, as a member. The group I joined is a longstanding group (Moving Sanctuary). The group had very warm people who cared about one another and were very generous with their support, encouragement and observations. I felt supported, and I gave back with whatever coaching skills I had.?

Though my group continued, some groups stopped. And I eventually started to see why some groups continued, and why some groups stopped.?

If you are so good,?then…

Being fortunate to be born in sunny Singapore, I had the luxury of living a safe and comfortable life even though I grew up in an average family. Singapore’s complaint culture has also set its roots in me.?

These are common statements that I get exposed to and use: “They could have done it better”, and “Why they didn’t think of this”.?

In the community, I also embraced this attitude when I stepped up as the primary facilitator. After putting in my heart, soul, and energy for every session, I felt like I was much better than others and often let the complainer in me play out in the above statements.

It was not until I looked deeper that I realised that the complainer in me was trying to champion how to make things better, but didn’t have the guts to try it. So I challenged myself with this statement, “If you are so good, then you do it lor”. And I allowed myself to tap into the courage and jump.?

I stepped up as the head of facilitators first and eventually the head of the CSG.?

The results? So the complainer realised that it was much tougher than she imagined, many things needed to be factored in that she didn’t see or think thoroughly before. And, she stopped complaining and started working.?

The dream.

In these episodes, what made the most sense to me was that I wanted the better for myself. And the different parts of me like the complainer are giving me hints as to what matters to me.?

I was and am thankful to all of me.

Stepping into the head after that was kind of me saying yes to stepping into my “driver’s seat” and started to take ownership of my life. I am thankful to the small capable team I worked with, for the various team members who said yes so readily. They supported me in more ways than I could ever imagine. They were receptive to me, supported me through my not-so-effective planning sometimes and found different ways to make it work. I love the common stand we had and the role that we chose to play here. Thank you for your stand, team.

The place where it all?begins

It takes that stand, space and structure to hold things together. And now 4 years later, CSG has gone through a few generations. It has also kept me conscious in 1 way or another, and a reminder to keep going.?

While there is no 1 size fit all solution, there are so many other lessons where I learnt in community building and the principles behind it. Probably another article for another time.?;)?