Being an Effective Parent in a World Changed by COVID-19

We’re spending more time at home with our children. How do we help them deal with the fear that comes with the pandemic? How do we handle the conflicts that occur with everybody at close quarters? How do we help them get better at solving their own problems? How do we avoid undermining their motivation?

Senia: Today we're going to explore the intersection of being a parent and coworking with Sherri Fisher, another graduate of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program at Penn. In addition to coaching executives, Sherri has many years of experience working with children and their parents. She has created many ways to help parents deal effectively with the challenges that arise.

You can watch the whole conversation here.

All the words below are Sherri Fisher's, except where otherwise noted.

My Children Are Acting Out.

Every person who contacts me complains about their children acting out, doing things they didn't do 3 months ago, perhaps hitting or yelling. They want to know what they can do to handle it effectively. This is very common because we are in close quarters. It's summer and that means you can send the kids outside, but now you have to make sure they are wearing masks. We are overwhelmed by the new ways we have to worry about keeping our kids safe.

They don't want to be constantly reminded of being in danger. Sometimes it's as simple as just listening to their real concerns. Maybe they're acting out because they're worried and they need to talk to you about how scared they are. You’re doing a really good job keeping your kids safe, and it's making them anxious. It's time to ask lots of questions.

Start by letting kids know you've noticed what they've been doing well. Ask them to tell you more about it.

Ask them to tell you their story about what’s going on. Sometimes the story holds a hint about how they're feeling. Maybe instead of feeling afraid, they're feeling angry. Feeling angry makes them want to lash out.

If your child is having a difficulty, say, “I'd really like to help. What have you tried so far?”

When you are interested in the things that your children are already trying, you're showing that you understand that they have agency in their own lives. You also want them to be able to come to you and ask for help. They need to process what they're already doing and figure what’s not working. Then they might even say, “I need help in this place.” It’s really easy as parents to just jump in, which might work for you, but your child may need something else.

Dealing with Conflict

It's really easy to get into conflict, particularly when we’re always in problem solving mode. At the end of a work day, we might feel like we want to stop their interruptions. But we might be creating new problems. There needs to be dialogue about what you the parent need while showing that you care about what your child needs.

For dealing with conflict that is already happening, we had little scripts in our home. For example, one script might be, “In this family, kids do not hit. This is something we will talk about when you calm down. We will take a five-minute break, and then we'll revisit the conflict.” With scripts like this, we established early on that children are not allowed to do certain things. All emotions are okay. They may be as angry as they like, but they may not hit their sibling. Having a script helps you stop it right there.

We started when our kids were little, but it is okay to start using scripts anytime. Sometimes parents separate their kids saying, “Go to your room.” The above script is more effective because it restates the rule, gives them time to calm down, and reminds them that there will be follow-up so the problem will eventually get solved.

After 5 minutes, they may still be angry, but you guide the conversation. You might say, “I'd like to help. What have you tried already?” One of them is going to tell a story. You hold your hand up to make sure the other person waits and listens. Maybe you say, “You have three sentences to tell me what happened.” Then turn to the other, “Now you have three sentences to tell me what happened.” That way as a parent, you're hearing the different sides, but they're not allowed to run their race car right over you.

Maybe they've tried something that was part way toward the solution. Then you can say, “How did that work for you?” You can praise them, “That sounds like a good first step. What have you not tried yet?” You want them to be able to problem solve so when you're working, they're not shrieking. You also don’t want them to store up conflict all day to hit you with when you stop work.

You need to be willing to own that you might have been part of the problem. Also, if you want your child to understand that what they were doing was not completely effective, you have to communicate without shaming them. That's really important. Whatever they have done is just something they tried. Everything is an attempt at resolving the difficulty.

The older your kids get, the less likely they are going to accept having you there to help. They just want to complain to you. It is very helpful to show you are no longer interested in taking sides. You're a mediator, basically. You're just making sure that the problem can be solved. So down-regulate the emotions, give it some time, find out what's already happened. Notice and praise what they've already done well. Maybe ask, “What do you see me doing that would be helpful?” As much as possible, be in the judgment-free zone.

Any information that you collect is just data, not good or bad. It just happened. It's so freeing not to be in the position of protecting anybody.

 What If Your Kids Expect You to be the Judge?

That expectation came from somewhere. The first thing I would do is listen to where it might have come from. Sometimes it's coming from us. Perhaps we use justice terminology when we talk about other people. Listen to what your child needs. Maybe what they need is empathy instead of justice. Maybe they need you to say, “I'm so sorry that your feelings were hurt. I'm so sorry that you feel that you were treated unfairly. I'm so sorry that this made you sad. I'm so sorry that you didn't get to do what you wanted to do.” Not pity, because pity makes people really want justice. You want to give them a sense that you care about their feelings.

The feelings could be angry feelings, but maybe they're sad feelings. Maybe they’re feeling sad because they believe something that they want is gone for good. Empathy can change their need for justice.

We can avoid jumping to the conclusion that they want justice just because they're acting that way. An angry person might need more than just having their problem solved.

 Counter-Intuitive Articles by Sherri

In the article titled How To Get Your Kid (Not) To Practice, I wrote about the way we think we are supposed to get our kids to do things. The main story is about my son when he was 7 years old. When he said, “I want to learn how to play the guitar,” we thought we’d be great parents by getting him the best music teacher, reminding him to practice, taking him to lessons every week. By the third lesson, my son had lost his guitar. The teacher said, “Nobody loses their guitar.” Our son replied, “I did.”

My son was just not having it. He was not going back to the teacher, and he didn't want to play anymore. The rest of the story, which you have to read, is how he actually ended up in his current career, which includes being a musician. What it took to get him there was counter-intuitive, but it’s what actually works for kids.

The article titled How to Get Your Kid (Not) to Try Harder is based on a story about me. My parents thought that since they were spending money on food, I should clean my plate. But when I didn't like the food, I thought that was unjust. Anybody who's angry enough will fight back. I dug in my heels. My story is a good metaphor for the times when your kids push back and will not do what you want them to do. That story also has a happy ending.

That same article has a story about an adolescent client having 54 missing assignments with new assignments piling on every day. How did that student manage to get all the work turned in before the end of school? It happened. Read the article to find out how.

Skills for Parents

One important skill is to be willing to feel your own feelings and label them. Just like we teach preschoolers, “Use your words.” Perhaps you might say, “I'm feeling angry.” But perhaps you're feeling also feeling entitled and furious, and maybe underneath that, ashamed. “I'm doing a lousy job as a parent. I ought to be able to do better.” Whatever you're feeling, it's really important to check in with it before you try to work things out with your child. Maybe you've had it. Many times, I have heard parents say, “I'm so done.” That's a big one during quarantine.

Another skill is to start a conversation with “What have you tried?” Too often we focus on what they haven't done well. We may tell them that they aren't trying. We shame them, and tell them they're going to fail.

Positive Edge Parent is a Facebook group with alternatives to labeling kids with all the problems they have. It features ways to create a positive parenting framework. I love doing graphic design. So sometimes I make graphics for ideas that are inspiring or thought provoking. It's not intended to sell things. It's a place for people to see different points of view and the steps they can take to be positive parents.

There are a lot of little tools for being a positive parent, and you just have to keep practicing. When you notice that you're not having the success you want, go back and try again. Sometimes reach out for help. What I call the five allies are the adults that your children need in their lives:  a parent, a teacher, a coach, a mentor, a friend. Notice that parents are only one of the five: there are people in your child's life besides you. With adolescents, the friend becomes particularly important. Sometimes you can reach out to other allies for help. You want to talk to the ones that help you feel empowered and not guilty. Remember your child wants to be loved, to feel competent, and to have choices in their own world.

 One Thing to Do

Senia: If there were one thing that you would recommend that parents take away and do as an action, what would that be?

Sherri: If you're doing it by yourself, the one thing is to put your own oxygen mask on first. Notice in your body where you feel certain emotions, including anger, anxiety, and especially fear. Your child is sucks up your fear like a super absorbent sponge.

If it's two parents working together, then you need to be able to say, “When this happened, I started feeling this. Can you back me up in this particular way?” If you have a close system of support for everybody including you, then everyone will feel calmer even when there are problems.

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