Being a caregiver is no joke, or is it?

Everyone I talk to lately seems to have a story about an aging parent, a grandparent or another elder or ailing person in their life. Sometimes they tell me the full story of what is going on whether it’s an illness, a disease, general cognitive decline, you name it. And there’s usually a knowing look.? The knowing look means an acknowledgment that we’re in this together -- all of a sudden, we’re a new and different kind of caregiver, and we had no idea what I was signing up for.?

If you’re reading this LinkedIn post and you’ve had a child, you may know what I’m talking about. No one tells you what it’s really like to have a newborn. All of a sudden, you’re in this special club that comes with zero pay, takes up a ton of time and while it gives you a lot of rewards, some days it’s hard to tell whether it’s all worth it. If you don’t have kids and care for an older person in your life, I feel for you. The chaos of being a caregiver to an older person is super challenging. You’re not in control, and you’re not empowered to make decisions because, well, they are grown adults. Deep down, you want to be in charge and tell them how it will go. Like you did when you were parenting. I call this my “hand on the hip” move. I want what I want and I’m the mom so I’m going to get it.? I didn’t do it that often, but when I did, it usually meant that I was maxed out, tired of juggling, and needed to lay down the law.

Juggling it all. Yes, I’m a juggler! When my kids were little, I juggled the demands of working full time and being a mom. I’m amazed at how the times have changed. I was part of the first group of women who nursed their kids during the workday at a large local corporation. This was before corporations provided nice wellness rooms. I went to an area separated by a flimsy shower curtain that was a ten-minute walk from my office. The whole situation was uncomfortable and rushed. A few of us ditched the shower curtain and talked to each other, and exchanged the knowing look that said “Are we really doing this?” The transition to being a working mom was intense. My husband and I were constantly and gradually adjusting how we ran our family and how we took care of these little creatures we called our kids.

Volunteer Caregiver. Now as a “caregiver” for elders, I’m in a better place to anticipate all the challenges ahead. I’ve done plenty of doctor appointments, grocery shopping, meal preparation, hospital visits, driving, medication management, etc. And of course, there are the unexpected trips to urgent care and the emergency room, and all the follow-up rehab activities. Caregiving for toddlers, children and even teen-agers is a walk in the park compared to caregiving for the generation older than me. I miss the days of dealing with issues about sleepovers, parties, homework, occasional health concerns, or drama with friends.

Grateful but bewildered at moments. Please don’t misunderstand. I enjoy spending time with my parents and older relatives and friends with illnesses. For many years, I was the only kid who lived in town, and my parents (my kids’ grandparents) were central to our family. We are so grateful for those memories. But this caregiving role started without much definition or conversation almost five years ago. I had heard stories from my cousins and my friends about taking away keys, moving elders to assisted living, testing for memory, and battles with cancer and other debilitating illnesses. But I had no idea how much time and emotional energy this phase of life takes.

I now talk more openly with people in similar situations, especially my professional contacts, I hear stories that can be astounding. My jaw hangs open as I hear about a parent leaving the hospital under a doctor’s orders not to drive. And then rode one block in an Uber, only to get out of the Uber, walk one block to their car and drive home. My line is always, “You can’t make this shit up.”? It’s true, sad, funny, emotional, meaningful, tragic, all at the same time. As a family member and caregiver – who often feels like a bystander – you really have no choice but to cope, navigate, cry and move through these moments of providing safety and dignity to your loved one(s). And wonder about the time you’re spending and how that impacts the rest of your life.

Time Management. One of my professional friends once said she spends at least 4 hours each time she drops off groceries for her parents. Caregiving moves a different pace and schedule – and is a big adjustment.? I am grateful for all that my parents have given me and taught me, and for all the shared experiences. But the caregiver role is really challenging on many levels. In professional terms, it lacks role clarity. Who does what? Who is in charge? How do we know if we’re making progress? What are the terms?

On my last post several of you quoted statistics about unpaid caregiving. I’d love to see the stats again. These numbers will remind me that I’m not alone in wondering if I’m doing the right thing in this weird role that takes up emotional and physical bandwith. There is no book “What to Expect as your Parents Age.” Like there was for parenthood. And if there is a book, it’s usually written in some tone that sounds like a pharmaceutical ad and has zero sense of humor. Hmmmm, there's my big idea for today!

If you’re currently caregiving, I’d love to interview you to hear some of the funny stories or learn the tips you have for coping with this phase of life. Email me, dm me, call me, etc. Also, please check out Rob Smith and Paurvi Bhatt, MPH and Caregivercon if you live in Minnesota.

The experience of being a working parent has evolved a lot over the past 25 years. Now, as caregivers for elders, hopefully we can contribute to evolving the role so that everyone benefits. My husband said to me the other day to think about myself as being a volunteer.? I’m looking forward to getting the volunteer t-shirt and maybe a parking spot! In the meantime, please keep sending your knowing looks.

Rock on,

Cathy Paper

Hire Cathy Paper, National Keynote Speaker, as a speaker ?on networking and sales and caregiving.

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