Being Bullied: 30+ Years Later

My son, Mateo, came home the other night and quite casually made mention of the boys from his school who were recently expelled for “what took place” at a retreat he had gone on a couple of weeks ago.?If I’m being honest, when I first heard this, it really didn’t register with me and I kept going about my business. Seconds later, though, perhaps after I did a little bit of internal processing, the phrase, “what took place,” was going to need some additional clarification for me.?Something just didn’t sound right about what I had just heard.?Something sounded all too familiar to me—just 30+ years later.?

For a little bit of background on this story, I should note that I’ve spent some time coaching my son’s teams over the years.?In doing so, I had a chance to get to know some of his friends.?As is typical, I learned a lot about my own son’s athletic capabilities and interest, how he interacts with his friends, how different coaching is now compared to when I grew up, and the various personalities that make up my son’s friend group.?There was one player (other than my son) in particular whom I vividly (and fondly) remember from coaching him. Not for his athletic prowess or ability to score. It was his near absentmindedness for the sport, his perpetual mid-game/practice daydreaming, his ever infectious smile, and his overwhelming innocence in everything he did.?It took no time at all for me to form a soft spot for this player. Little did he know, Jeremy (not his real name) left a huge impression on me.?

So last week, when my son expanded upon what had taken place at the retreat, my ears perked up pretty quickly when I heard Jeremy’s name mentioned.?In “double clicking” on the topic with my son, he shared how a small group of kids had been pulling down Jeremy's towel during shower time, had been opening his private shower curtain, been teasing/harassing Jeremy throughout, and effectively using him as the metaphorical punching bag during the week. The details of what took place were by no means the worst I have ever heard.?What took place with Jeremy did not make the headlines, and fortunately, the bullies who did this were expelled from school as a result of the programmatic punishment.?From most all angles, it would appear as though this matter had been closed and Jeremy (and his family) can move on.??Water under the bridge, so to speak.?

Well, that is wrong.?And I’m writing this to share exactly why I know that to be the truth.

For those who don’t know me, I’m 6’2” with the classic “athletic build.”?I grew up playing just about any sport I could whenever I had a chance.?Ice hockey, basketball, football, soccer, cycling, running, you name it.??In college I remained as active as I could, which even lead me to completing Officers Candidate School (OCS) for the Marine Corp as I contemplated what I wanted to do as a career.?And today, with my significantly tattooed body, I have been doing some sort of Ultra Race on a monthly basis, I have been a successful entrepreneur and currently lead my latest venture (Tentacle.co) that also holds a lot of promise.?I say this, as I have been told by others how intimidating I can be. ?I have been reminded about my "controlling presence" and advised to regulate my overall "tone," so as to ensure I don’t scare people.?If people really only knew. You see, “behind my curtain,” there remains the Matt Combs who was bullied from 6th -11th grade.

For the last 30+ years I have kept the fact that I was bullied in grade school pretty low key and close to the vest, though not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. I reflect on those times, think about what I could have done differently, and even have thought about what sort of payback I could potentially exact at this time of my life.?And admittedly, the situation I went through would likely be pretty low on the "severity" scale when it comes to bullying.?I was NOT always beaten up; rather, I was threatened.?It was not a one-time event but a series of small events (punches, knock downs, pinned against the lockers, trips, etc..) that happened regularly.?Therefore, I spent 5 years in school with a constant feeling of anticipation and always just waiting for the worst to happen.?And at the time, that felt to me—an immature, inexperienced, and developing youth—very high on the severity scale.?

Like most people, my body adversely reacts to extreme nervousness.?For me specifically —and pardon my sudden shift into the more gruesome details of this story—when my nerves are elevated, my body reacts with a sudden and immediate bout of diarrhea.?And from the middle of 6th grade until sometime during the middle of high school, I had diarrhea every morning from my nerves and fear of walking into the school. I was one of those kids who “just held it” all day to avoid the bathroom, and, if anybody knew the optimal path from one classroom to another, it was me.?Not only did I utterly hate my grade school days, but I did miserably.?I was distracted by my fears; I was alone with my fears; and little did I know, my fears were permanently changing how I would live the rest of my life.?

As I grew older and grew up, I started to think more and more about this dark inner secret that I rarely shared with anybody.?In many ways, I wanted to put the topic behind me and just move on.?Instead, I found myself forging ahead in life in a manner that was continually seeking to prove to the world that I should not have been bullied,?prove to the world that “I could have” stuck up for myself, and ultimately, prove to myself that the feelings I had back in grade school were overblown and just ridiculous.??The topic never went away (in my mind), and even to this day, I have a variety of flashbacks from those years.?Simply put, when you are bullied, the impacts are long lasting and/or forever impactful.

Today, as a parent of four amazing children, the entire bullying topic resonates with me much differently than it did when I was a youth, and this blog is testimony to that.?Holding my tongue and keeping my thoughts and emotions on this topic (and my personal experience) to myself needs to come to an end.?If that is the default action of those who are bullied, then it would make me unbelievably sad to know that any of my children—or other precious young youth like Jeremy—are holding their experiences, their stories, their struggles, their fears inside of themselves like I did.?Like I have.?Like I do.

In many ways, this writing represents the greatest volume of details I have ever shared with anybody, my kids included.?And in sharing this, I am reaching out to my children to explore any and every possible solution that we can come up with to ensure that my kids never go through what I have gone through.?I am the first to admit, I simply don’t know or have a solution.?I am lost as to how I can help my own children or others like Jeremy.?I am sure increased communication, transparency, and overall comfortableness to reach out for help are baked into some sort of ultimate and effective solution, though I still don’t know what it is.

So that is my challenge to anybody reading this.?What can we do??How do we prevent the Jeremys of the world from having to endure a lifetime of internal struggle in the same sorts of ways that I have??What can be done??What can we parents, friends, neighbors, coaches, etc... do??

I’d love to hear your thoughts. ??I’m interested in being a part of a solution.