Being in the building with Elvis at Cannes 2022

Festival de Cannes with Elvis and me at the Elvis Movie world premiere. A very profound DNA changing window of time, not only for our friend Austin, obviously, but for me too. How our paths crossed and recrossed over the years - starting with where he needed me, and I mentored him over the years (imagine a Filipino Lester Bangs-esque like convos during the shooting of Elvis) and how I ended up in Cannes, and actually needing Austin.

This was not only an experience of seeing a kid I worked with everyday, and experiencing his grand announcement as a bonafide star in the world, but it was a direct changing of the guard as well - Tom Hanks to Austin (like Crash Davis with Nuke LaLoosh except without the cocky asshole aspect) which doesn't get brought up in the press. By the way, the 12 minute standing ovation after the screening was actually 20. I know because I was standing and clapping (and crying) with everyone for 20 minutes.

And what I mean about needing him, was that Austin validated my existence, not because I'm associated with a star - trust me, I've been associated for over two decades with many a star;

Many people I've mentored over my time, unceremoniously went on their merry ways after they got the help they needed from me (hey, kind of like directors to assistant directors), or many who thought my words were too tough or that what I proposed was too much to ask (a Filipino family relative and other Filipinos in the film community who couldn't take the advice and notes and resented me, comes to mind), but Austin listened to everything I recommended him to be and do, including the responsibility an actor I believe they must embrace when they are #1 on the call sheet — to be the leader — having experienced TOO MANY #1's on the call sheet not taking that leadership position very seriously. By all accounts from all the people I talked to who worked on Elvis on set, Austin was the perfect example of how to be, in work ethic, in positivity and in humanity.

And also why I needed him was that I am able to have the creative conversations with him that I crave - we have been talking about filmmaking since he was 14, first, aspirationally, and aside from working together, we’d talk about films we loved and exchange ideas and thoughts. Then it turned into something different when he did Iceman Cometh on Broadway. After I saw him perform we talked backstage for two hours and I picked his brain about it. I picked his brain about working w Tarantino (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood) as I told him, before you go work with him, “watch a lot of Wong Kar Wai - he’ll love that.” So Cannes was going to be vital for me because I miss the film set but more, I miss the creativity part, which I didn’t get a lot of even in LA bc I was just regarded as a below the line assistant director. Austin never saw me as that. Paris doesn’t see me as that. But even being in Paris for six months I was craving for inside film talk. I was dying. So Cannes for me wasn’t about the red carpet. It was about being able to chat about making Elvis.

And then Cannes went beyond that. For Austin to invite me to be a part of his Cannes experience; as far as family goes, it was me, his dad and his dad's new wife. I was so touched, so honored, so emotionally affected to personally experience Austin literally reaching the top of his profession. What a taste of a life experience. And to see his support team in action — wow, what a top notch team — a clear reminder that to take it to the top, you need a top team. Kudos to them.

It took a long hard road to get to this moment and I almost didn’t make it, but I’m glad I stuck around and thank you to everyone who pulled me up from drowning — I swallowed a lot of water — and got me back on the sailboat again. I’m so grateful.

The last thing I wanted to say in regards to my drowning - what made the difference to get me back out of the dark wasn't people who posted that thing where they copy and paste those posts about depression or suicide awareness to those friends and threatens them to either post or that by not doing so, they aren't listeners or real friends; or people who just post the suicide hotline. (Have you even ever called the suicide hotline? I once called it, and before I hung up, I said, "if you are my last resort, I AM FUCKED.)

What it took were friends who took the time to pick up the phone (NOT JUST TEXT) and called me; it took a friend who called me every single week for an entire year even though I was as cynical as hell about life and wouldn't hear it; it took a friend who saw how hurt I was, friends who saw how dark it was for me and were patient with me; it took a friend to invite me on a trip to get me to the butterfly moment that changed it all, and it started with my long time partner who I broke up with because it was killing me to drag her down with me into the dark, and despite that, she bought my ticket and took me to the airport on my way to Paris back in 2016, she housed me when I was struggling to figure my shit out, she lent me money when I didn’t want to go do AD work when I came back from Paris when I first started to feel like it was contributing to my depression.

I say all of this to say this: cut and pasting posts about suicide awareness is cute but as far as effort, to me is barely a D+.

Pick up the phone. Call and say hello. And keep calling. Don't talk about it. Don't post about it. Pick up the phone. Take your friend with depression out to lunch and take an extra hour out of your time. Don't make promises, don't make declarations of "i'm there for you" or "when you need me, I'm there." JUST pick up the phone and don't take no for an answer. Put their ass in the car and go get an ice cream cone and go watch a ball game or go listen to some music. You don’t need to play fix-it superhero. Just lean in, look into their eyes, and listen deeply.