On being Biscuit...

So this is Biscuit.

She is our Great Pyrenees that we "rescued" (can be argued who rescued who) a little over three years ago. They had found her running loose in the woods of Kentucky and we ended up visiting with folks who were fostering her in Columbus.

She is as gentle of a dog as you will meet although she can also sound ferocious when she wants to. We learned soon after we brought her home that she did not deal well with loud noises...specifically gunshots. This would not be a huge problem for many people but we live in a rural area where there is lots of hunting throughout the year as well as many times where folks shoot over fireworks.

When I say she doesn't deal well with these noises, it is not hyperbole. When it comes to fireworks, she hides in our closet and pants incessantly and shakes. If she happens to be outside in the back yard or on a walk when we hear a gunshot, she immediately wants to go inside. This is so acute that there have been several times when we were on a walk and heard a gunshot and she simply laid down in the middle of the road. Imagine trying to coax a 110 pound dog to get up and move when they are terrified and shaking.

I share this with you because of something I heard today as I listened to Dave Chang's podcast and he spoke about his own mental health challenges and how he was focused on choosing post-traumatic growth instead of post-traumatic stress. The irony is that I was walking Biscuit and listening to the podcast when we heard a gunshot and Biscuit promptly did a 180 and headed back to the house.

Later in the day, I did a bit of research and found some interesting insights regarding post-traumatic growth and it shed some light on something I believe we all face at some point in our lives. Biscuit fits into this story because I can see her struggle. She might hear a gunshot but then 90 minutes later she desperately wants to go outside (Great Pyrenees are the very definition of outside dog...as I write this she is laying in the yard as it rains...) but cannot bring herself to do it. She will come up to us and put her head on our lap and just look at us. I can actually witness the battle between her head and heart because we will open the back door (she's a smart cookie and rings a bell on the door when she wants to go outside) and she will look outside and then go back into the living room. This pattern repeats itself until she reaches a point where she will eventually venture outside again.

We are not much different are we?

We are definitely emotional beings trying to have an intellectual experience and not the other way around. I believe (per a Native American saying) that "the longest journey you will ever take is from your head to your heart". We want to believe that our thoughts drive our actions but the reality is that our thoughts about events create emotions and these emotions are what heavily influence our subsequent actions.

What does all of this have to do with Biscuit?

Unfortunately, she can't choose post-traumatic growth over stress but we can. I am not implying that this is a simple or easy choice. I am just stating that we can, if we truly want to, turn past trauma into opportunities for growth. Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun coined the term “post-traumatic growth” and defined it as the positive psychological change that is experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.

Perhaps we could use the Japanese practice of Kintsugi for fixing cracked pottery as a metaphor? Rather than hide the cracks,?this technique involves rejoining the broken pieces with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. When put back together, the whole piece of pottery looks beautiful as ever, even while owning its broken history.

Let that thought sink in..."owning its broken history". Not pretending it didn't happen or being ashamed of it or letting it define us but owning it and making our lives more beautiful as a result.

In "A Farewell To Arms", Hemingway wrote...“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

Don't we find it true that "those that will not break it kills"? We all break at some point and it we refuse, isn't the damage must greater?

Unfortunately, in western culture we view those who break as weak which is quite asinine. Isn't it more powerful to rise up after being knocked down and continue to move forward? Shouldn't we value resiliency more than brute force?

I think this is where the cult of positivity rears it ugly head for us. I am not sure that Norman Vincent Peale would be pleased if he saw how his ideas had been weaponized today. Just like many other things, we have taken a very invaluable concept and turned it into a religion where we are no longer tolerant of perceived negativity in any form and this is certainly not healthy. We need our dark side as much as we need our light side (if you don't believe me, read "The Upside of Your Darkside" by Robert Biswas-Diener and Todd Kashdan).

The world doesn't owe us anything nor does it care what we want and the sooner we accept that, the better our lives will be. Instead of avoiding anything that is perceived as negative or bad, we would be much better off if we focused on developing the skills and exploring the concepts that provided insights into how to leverage all experiences so we can continue to move forward towards self-transcendence.

In that vein, here a few things to consider.

• Cognitive exploration which is defined as a general curiosity about information and a tendency toward complexity and flexibility in information processing—enables us to be curious about confusing situations, increasing the likelihood that we will find new meaning in the seemingly incomprehensible.
• Experiential avoidance is the unwillingness to remain in contact with distressing internal experiences along with the attempts to control or avoid distressing internal experiences
• Psychological flexibility is being in contact with the present moment, fully aware of emotions, sensations, and thoughts, welcoming them, including the undesired ones, and moving in a pattern of behavior in the service of chosen values
• Positive disintegration is when tragedy strikes and our previous sense of self or identity is swept away like leaves on a breeze that we are at our greatest potential for growth. When we begin to question not only what we know, but who we are, we are able to pick up the pieces of ourselves that we want to keep, leave the pieces we don’t and construct a new identity that is authentic to our true selves.

I guess my main point in all of this goes back to existentialism in that we always have a choice even if it is not the choice we want. In my opinion that great philosopher Rocky Balboa said it best so I will leave you with this gem.

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.“

Unfortunately Biscuit can't make this choice but we can. It is a choice you must make over and over again in order to become that leader you were meant to be. My hope is that you do because the world needs your leadership so we can make it better place for all those we care about.