Being a better parent?

I am sure you have come across the expression.

"roots to grow and wings to fly"

As parents, we want our children to be happy, healthy, independent, resilient, resourceful and become the best version of themselves. For most of us as parents this is perhaps our most important role but often in the day to day crisis of jobs/careers, and life and our own personal challenges we sometimes forget this.

We have to be careful not to project our own aspirations for our selves in terms of "financial" success etc and push them to "succeed". If anything the best we can hope to be is a good role model for them.

We know the obvious needs in terms of providing fro their physical well being, safety, and "practical education/schooling" but there is so much more.

We aren't born to be better parents and I am trying to be better at that. Like any role, it evolves over time. What a baby or a 2 year old or a teenager or an "adult" child needs from a parent changes over time.

Children want their autonomy and independence but they also need to know we are proud of them and they come first and we have their back.

Like any leadership role we wish to empower our children and as such a good parent lets people make their own decisions, lets them fail safety, asks what they can do to support and lets them know they are there for them emotionally, financially or other resources where possible and to guide their where they seek guidance.

By empowering individuals to grow through their own experiences while providing emotional support and a safety net. Allowing someone to make their own decisions and learn from failures helps foster independence, resilience, and problem-solving skills. At the same time, offering support and being emotionally available communicates care and builds trust. This approach strikes a balance between guidance and autonomy, which can be key to healthy development.

This approach to parenting reflects a balanced and respectful way of fostering growth in children or even in relationships. It recognizes that growth is not just about protecting someone from making mistakes, but about allowing them the space to learn from their own experiences.

1. Letting People Make Their Own Decisions

One of the cornerstones of this approach is trust—trust in the individual’s ability to make decisions. Whether you're dealing with a child, a teenager, or even an adult, allowing people to make their own choices cultivates independence. Decision-making is a skill that must be learnt through practice, not instruction alone.

When parents allow children to make choices—within safe boundaries—they give them the opportunity to develop confidence in their judgment. Whether the decision involves something small (like choosing what to wear) or something more significant (like deciding on extracurricular activities), the autonomy "granted" allows the child to explore their preferences, strengths, and limitations. Over time, this builds a sense of responsibility, since the child learns to think through the consequences of their actions.

However, it's important for the parent to remain available as a guide. While giving space, they should also be open to discussing the potential outcomes of decisions and helping the child understand the complexities without enforcing their own opinion.

2. Letting Them Fail Safely

Failure is an inevitable part of life, but how one experiences failure is critical. "Failing safely" refers to allowing individuals to encounter failure within controlled or less consequential environments. For instance, if a child chooses not to study for a test and doesn’t do well, this could be a lesson in accountability. It’s a failure that doesn’t threaten their well-being or future, but it teaches them valuable lessons about preparation and the outcomes of their choices.

This approach also teaches resilience. Children learn to cope with setbacks and disappointments, essential skills for navigating adult life. Overprotective parenting, on the other hand, can unintentionally undermine this learning. Shielding children from every potential failure can prevent them from building the emotional tools they’ll need to deal with bigger challenges down the road.

Failing safely also means that parents are there to offer emotional support during setbacks, but they don’t rush to “fix” things for the child. They might help the child process the failure—acknowledging the disappointment, analyzing what went wrong, and brainstorming ways to improve next time. This encourages problem-solving and critical thinking.

3. Asking How They Can Support

Instead of stepping in and assuming what a child needs, a good parent asks the individual how they can be of support. This can be incredibly empowering, as it communicates respect for the person’s autonomy and understanding of their own needs. It also models good emotional communication.

For children, this question can foster self-awareness. Rather than relying on their parents to always step in, they learn to identify when they need help and what kind of help they need. For example, a child struggling with a school project might need emotional encouragement rather than hands-on assistance. They might say, "Can you sit with me while I work on this? I just need to feel like someone is there."

This practice also nurtures the parent-child relationship. It shows that the parent is willing to listen and respond to the child's unique needs rather than imposing their own solutions. Over time, this builds trust and creates an environment where the child feels comfortable reaching out for support when it's truly needed.

4. Letting Them Know You're There Emotionally

Emotional availability is the bedrock of this parenting philosophy. It reassures the child or individual that no matter what decisions they make, and even if they fail, they won’t face judgment or abandonment. This kind of support is less about offering solutions and more about being a steady presence—a safe place for emotional expression.

Emotional availability means showing empathy, being attuned to the child’s feelings, and offering validation. When a parent is emotionally available, they signal to their child that it's okay to express their feelings, whether they're disappointed, happy, scared, or confused. The parent becomes a secure base from which the child can explore the world.

By offering unconditional support, parents help foster emotional intelligence. Children learn how to regulate their emotions better because they know that their feelings are seen, heard, and understood. They also develop a greater sense of emotional security, which is vital for forming healthy relationships later in life.

Striking a Balance

This approach, the balance between autonomy and support is crucial. Too much control can stifle a child’s development, while too much freedom without guidance can leave them feeling lost or overwhelmed. A parent who provides space for decision-making and failure, while remaining emotionally supportive, helps nurture a well-rounded, resilient individual.

This approach also emphasizes long-term development over short-term solutions. Rather than focusing on preventing immediate failure or discomfort, the parent is investing in the child’s ability to handle future challenges independently. The child learns to make choices, understand consequences, and process emotions—all while knowing they have a strong, supportive foundation in their parent.

It’s a parenting style rooted in trust, respect, and empathy—one that doesn’t seek to control but to guide, support, and allow the child to grow into their best self.

Parenting Styles

The five main types of parenting styles are authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and helicopter. Each style has a different impact on the child's attachment patterns and emotional maturity.

1. Authoritative Parenting

Characteristics:

• High responsiveness and high demands.
• Parents set clear rules and guidelines but also value the child’s opinions and encourage open dialogue.
• Discipline is consistent, but explanations for rules are provided, and emotional needs are acknowledged.

Impact on Attachment:

• Secure Attachment: Children raised with authoritative parents tend to develop secure attachments. They feel safe, valued, and understood because their emotional needs are met, but they also understand the importance of boundaries.

Impact on Emotional Maturity:

• Children develop emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills. They are more likely to feel confident in expressing their emotions and navigating complex social situations because they have experienced consistent, supportive guidance.

2. Authoritarian Parenting

Characteristics:

• High demands and low responsiveness.
• Parents are strict, expect obedience, and use punitive measures to enforce discipline.
• Little room for dialogue or consideration of the child's feelings or opinions.

Impact on Attachment:

• Insecure (Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment: Children of authoritarian parents may feel emotionally distant from their caregivers. They may struggle with trust and emotional closeness because they are conditioned to suppress their emotional needs in favor of obedience.

Impact on Emotional Maturity:

• These children may have difficulty expressing their emotions and may develop a fear of making mistakes. While they may be disciplined and responsible, they might also struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, and a lack of emotional independence.

3. Permissive Parenting

Characteristics:

• High responsiveness and low demands.
• Parents are lenient, avoid confrontation, and often act more like a friend than a parental authority.
• Few rules or expectations are set, and discipline is often inconsistent or absent.

Impact on Attachment:

• Insecure (Anxious-Resistant) Attachment: Permissive parenting can lead to a form of insecure attachment where children feel loved but lack a sense of structure and safety. They may seek constant reassurance but lack confidence in the parent's ability to provide boundaries.

Impact on Emotional Maturity:

• These children often struggle with self-control and self-discipline. While they may be emotionally expressive, they may have difficulty managing frustration and impulse control because they were not taught to cope with boundaries or rules.

4. Uninvolved (Neglectful) Parenting

Characteristics:

• Low responsiveness and low demands.
• Parents are detached from their child's life and may be emotionally absent or neglectful, providing minimal guidance or nurturing.
• Often, these parents may meet the basic physical needs of the child but fail to provide emotional support or involvement.

Impact on Attachment:

• Insecure (Disorganized) Attachment: Children of uninvolved parents often develop disorganized attachment styles. They do not know how to seek comfort from their caregivers because their emotional needs are frequently ignored or inconsistently met.

Impact on Emotional Maturity:

• These children may struggle with emotional regulation, social relationships, and self-esteem. They are more likely to experience difficulties forming trusting relationships and may feel emotionally neglected, leading to poor mental health outcomes in adulthood.

5. Helicopter Parenting

Characteristics:

• High responsiveness and high control, but in an overprotective way.
• Parents micromanage their child’s life, trying to prevent any form of failure or adversity.
• They are overly involved in every aspect of the child's life, from academic performance to social activities.

Impact on Attachment:

• Insecure (Anxious-Resistant) Attachment: While helicopter parents provide love and attention, their over-involvement can lead to children feeling anxious and dependent on their parents for validation and decision-making. The child may feel unable to explore the world independently or trust their own capabilities.

Impact on Emotional Maturity:

• These children may struggle with independence, resilience, and problem-solving. Helicopter parenting often leads to emotionally dependent individuals who lack confidence in their ability to face challenges without their parents’ intervention. It may stifle their emotional growth and ability to manage failure or stress.

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