Being Aware and Adjusting

When I was a child I knew that I struggled with decision making and change. I also was a bit stubborn and determined to do whatever I wanted to. I was lucky to have parents provide boundaries that not only nurtured me, but kept me safe.

Fast forward to my present life and with a lot of work and education, I have learned that certain actions trigger me. My anxiety was so strong in my past and it occasionally shows up in some settings.

Recently, I was conducting a zoom meeting that only required decisions on two things and needed about 30 minutes of time. The attendees knew what the discussion would be about and they needed to provide their vote on the action items.

After a few minutes one participant shared that we should consider another option which there were no details on which to base a decision. This is where my anxiety took over.

I probably need to call it a panic attack since I wanted to throw up. I had to walk away from the screen for a short period and collect myself. I felt nauseous, angry, light headed and afraid of what I might say.

It had been a long time since I felt that way. I was disappointed in myself because I could not control my reaction. I wanted to blame the participant who surprised me with his comments, yet it was my choice on how I reacted to his comments.

Looking back, it shows I cannot always control my surroundings. My plans are to ask for their input prior to our next meeting so I will know the topics available. Knowledge is the key to keeping my anxiety in check.

Fortunately, the meeting ended with all in agreement on the original items planned for the meeting. I was able to regroup and remind the participants what our goal was and why we were changing our activities in order to reach that goal.

Now my new goal is to find a way not to flame my anxiety and work with the creative, smart members of this team so that we can be prepared for all topics for future discussion.