Being Authentic (Even When It's?Scary)

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that reflect your inner values.”?—?Fred Rogers

Have you ever wanted to be more honest and true to yourself, but held back because it felt uncomfortable? You’re not alone.

I want to challenge the idea that authenticity is always easy and comfortable.

Recently, someone asked me a fantastic question: “How can I be more authentic and honest, even when it feels scary and uncomfortable?”

There’s a common misconception that authenticity should feel effortless, but in my experience, the most genuine moments are often the most vulnerable.

Let me tell you about a personal story. I was in a meeting where something came up that I felt strongly about. My initial instinct? Stay quiet. It would have been way easier to just go along with the flow. But I know that staying true to myself is more important to me than being comfortable.

So, I spoke up. My body was shaking, and let me tell you, it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. But here’s the thing: that discomfort was a signal. It told me I was touching on something real, something that mattered.

Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity: Untangling the Threads of?Trust

Before I go any further, I want to define three terms that seem interchangeable but are at the heart of what we’re talking about here.

Honesty: The Foundation of?Trust

Honesty feels like the most straightforward concept, right?

Being honest means being truthful in your communication. Are you telling the whole story? Are your words accurate? It means avoiding lies, cheating, or misleading others. It’s the bedrock of trust?—?if people can’t rely on your word, how can they trust you?

Authenticity: Bringing Your True Self?Forward

Honesty is essential, but it’s not the whole picture. Authenticity is about being genuine, about being yourself in the world. It’s about not hiding behind a mask to please others. Authenticity means not abandoning yourself.

This doesn’t mean complete transparency?—?you can still be discerning about what you share whether to care for yourself or to care for whoever you’re in connection with. Sometimes, authenticity might look like saying “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

There’s also a feeling to authenticity. When someone is being real, there’s a rawness, an aliveness to it. We can sense it in others, and it fosters connection.

Integrity: Living Your?Values

Integrity takes things a step further. It’s about acting in accordance with your values and principles, even when it’s difficult or when nobody’s looking. Do you stand up for what you believe in, even when it’s unpopular? Integrity is about living your truth, not just talking about it.

The Virtuous Cycle: How They Work?Together

Honesty, authenticity, and integrity are interconnected. They all contribute to building trust. Being honest allows people to believe your words. Authenticity allows them to connect with you as a real person. Integrity shows them you live by your convictions.

Imagine these three qualities as building a house. Honesty is the foundation?—?strong, reliable materials. Authenticity is the design?—?reflecting your unique style. Integrity is the quality of construction?—?using the best materials to ensure the house stands strong, even in tough weather.

The Discomfort is Your Guide, Not Your Deterrent

This might sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. We often use comfort as a gauge for what’s “right.” If something feels uncomfortable, we shy away from it.

And let’s face it, none of this is comfortable all the time. Staying true to myself can be fundamentally challenging. Let’s face it, it’s often easier to just blend in and say what people want to hear. That can be a big part of perfectionism?—?playing it safe and fitting into the moulds I thought others wanted. That path feels a lot less scary but it also leaves me feeling hollow and disconnected.

But when it comes to authenticity, discomfort isn’t a bad thing. Far from being a problem that needs to be fixed, a little discomfort around honesty, authenticity and integrity can be a good sign! That shaky, electric feeling of vulnerability can be a signal that you’re on the right track, that you’re about to touch on something real and important. It’s a sign you’re about to step outside your comfort zone, to stand up for what you believe in. That’s where the magic happens.

Think of it like this: when you were learning to ride a bike, it probably felt awkward and wobbly at first. But you kept practising, right? The same goes for authenticity. The initial discomfort lessens with practice, but it never truly disappears.

Here’s the key: don’t let discomfort be the deciding factor. Instead, feel it, acknowledge it and choose yourself anyway. But remember, authenticity isn’t about steamrolling over others. It’s about finding a way to express yourself that’s both honest and respectful. You can be authentic and care for the connection too.

The Nerves Are There for a Reason (Even After?Years!)

Ultimately, judging your authenticity by your degree of comfort is a misleading metric.

I still get nervous when I speak in public, even though I’ve been doing it for 20 years. Those nerves aren’t a sign of weakness; they’re a sign that I care. They tell me that this is something important, something I’m passionate about. That fizzy feeling is my nervous system coming online to help me focus.

Stop conflating realness and comfort. Embrace the butterflies, the shaky voice, the vulnerability. Those are the signs you’re being real, and that’s what truly connects us.

Originally published at https://vixanderton.com on June 26, 2024.