MINDSET FOR LEADERSHIP // BEING AUTHENTIC

So. Finally. I’m here. It’s a weird one. I don’t engage much with social media. In fact, I feel slightly? nauseas whenever I jump on LinkedIn. And yet, HERE I AM. But why?

A lead generator? Maybe. Although I’m not completely convinced.

To build a digital presence and reach a wider audience? Somewhat. Although I still feel real transformation happens with others, be that face-to-face or virtually.

As a creative endeavour to share some thoughts with the world that might be useful? Mostly.

With this in mind, I’ll be taking what I’ve learnt from 20 years as a performance coach and psychologist, working with thousands of leaders around the world, sharing some concepts and hopefully nudging you to experiment with a few ideas yourself. Some ideas are mine. Some are me building on other wise people’s ideas. Some are me articulating existing thinking in a way that is practical.

These articles will be shared simply, but not ‘dumbed down’. These will not be ‘click-bait’, regurgitated quotes or platitudes. Most likely they’ll need a couple of reads, some reflection, and maybe even a conversation with someone you trust to really expand your understanding.

The first topic is, ironically, Authenticity.?

1.0. So, what is Authenticity?

Put simply, authenticity means you're true to your own values, beliefs and personality, even when under pressure to be something you’re not. Your values consistently align with your behaviours, and therefore others see you as genuine.

The reasons why it’s important to live authentically is hopefully relatively intuitive. In essence:

• We feel satisfied and good about ourselves when we act in alignment with our values.
• People we care about know us for who we really are.
• We have more energy as we’re not playing from behind a mask or persona.
• Others trust us more when we are relatively consistent, a little bit vulnerable and true to our word.
• Taking difficult actions is more manageable when we’re true to ourselves.

2.0. Why do we lose our sense of Authenticity?

As we grow up there are two fundamental things we are seeking. In the early years these are Authenticity and Attachment. Attachment is the love and attention of our primary care giver (often parents), and this most certainly has a survival value. Without their attention (feeding, clothing, cleaning, etc.) we would not survive when very young.?

Therefore, if Authenticity and Attachment are ever competing with each other, we’ll compromise our Authenticity to maintain the Attachment.

As we get older, this can develop into the less urgent, but just as important, seeking of Approval. We’re still fighting evolution with this one, as if we're disapproved of and kicked out of the tribe it’s difficult and not much fun.

The good news is that you’re an adult, you have awareness, and you therefore have choice.

So, we should just do some soul searching and get back our Devine essence right?! Sort of.

3.0. What is Healthy Authenticity?

As a broad concept, authenticity is a good thing. We should seek to be authentic both in life and leadership. However, in it’s extreme:?

• It can be too rigid and an excuse not to positively change for the better.
• It can keep us stuck in old, unhelpful, patterns of behaviour.
• It can be insensitive and damage relationships and teams.
• It can limit us reaching our potential and being all we can be.
• We live life from a ‘fixed mindset’, rather than a ‘growth mindset’.

Obviously you and I are far more complex and nuanced than any model could describe. However, I’d suggest that Healthy Authenticity is a relationship between three versions of you: the 'Core-Self', the 'Adaptive-Self' and the 'Aspirational-Self'.

3.1. What is my Core-Self?

The Core-Self is your values, beliefs, what you stand for and your life experience to date. It tends to be relatively stable throughout life and will have been heavily influenced during your early childhood, primarily by parents. It will have continued to evolve based on role models in your life, friendship groups, education and culture. Often in a leadership context it’s strongly influenced by teachers, sports coaches and some of the first managers of your career.

Some of the benefits of exploring the Core-Self include identifying why you behave the way you do, what’s truly important to you, why you get triggered by certain situations or people, and recognising some of the auto-pilots you’ve psychologically inherited. By understanding this you can be more self-aware when interacting with the world, unlearn/update unhelpful patterns of behaviour and have a little more conscious choice in your actions.

The risks with getting too sucked into this version is you can get stuck in the matrix of over-analysis. Exploring your Core-Self is something you do intermittently in order to engage in real life with more awareness, meaning and choice. The other risk is that if this version is all consuming you could approach the world with a ‘I am who I am, deal with it’ mindset. Good luck with that.

Important. The past influences your present, but it doesn’t dictate your future.

3.2. What is my Adaptive-Self?

The Adaptive-Self is the version that can be more flexible when faced with new challenges, contexts and roles. It can sometimes feel a bit like a fish out of water and somewhat uncomfortable. The Adaptive-Self might have to respond to external circumstances coming your way, and can also be developed by deliberately stepping outside your comfort zone.?

Some of the benefits with exploring and experimenting with the Adaptive-Self include uncovering what you’re truly capable of, leaning into and through the things that scare you rather than constantly worrying about them being somewhere in the future, and growing in your adaptive confidence so you can take on new and exciting challenges and feel more competent to handle the difficult stuff. It also gives you a window into seeing the person you could become.

The risks with getting too sucked into this version is you can feel permanently out of your depth, get mediocre at lots of things, and never fulfill being kick-ass awesome through your natural talents. You can also overly focus on how other people think you should be, lose a sense of who you are, and feel exhausted having to ‘play a role’ everyday. If this is the case, check in with the ‘core-self’, check in with the ‘aspirational-self’. Are they OK with this version of you, or is it inauthentic and unsustainable?

3.3. What is my Aspirational-Self?

The Aspirational-Self is the person you’d like to become. This is the best you. This could be the person you’d like to be later today in a certain context and/or some future version where you’re even more awesome generally. When you move closer to this version you feel pretty good. Often this version is influenced by positive role models, mentors and culture.

Ultimately, the benefit of investing in this version is that you become all you can be and truly ‘self-actualise’ as a human and as a leader. If that sounds too grand, then simply being a slightly better version of you today than you were yesterday. This is progress. This is growth.? It’s not only about achievement, but more about impact. It might not even an outcome, it might be a way of being with the people you care about.?

The main risk with getting to sucked into this version is that you’re waiting to feel you’re a good person until you achieve x, y or z, until you have those abs, until you levitate in a zen like fashion into your CEO office to end world hunger. Goals can assist this version, but more as a direction of travel, rather than a fixed destination. Also, me mindful of the ‘comparison game’ and the ‘having it all’ expectation. You don’t see the whole person and you can’t have it all (at least all at the same time, as there are always trade-offs).

4.0. How do they work together?

These versions of us can seek different things, but they need to like each other. Otherwise, there will be internal tension and you might not like yourself at the end of the day. Ironically, when you expand your Adaptive-Self and Aspirational-Self, these in turn influence your Core-Self moving forwards. Sometimes it’s important to spend time being as we are, sometimes it’s important to challenge what we’re capable of, sometimes it’s important to stretch ourselves towards becoming all we can be?

So, what can you do if you want to upgrade your authenticity and be all you can be?

4.1. How can I explore my Core-Self?

Whether you like it or not, your life experiencers have influenced who you are today. By growing our awareness we can be more conscious of the why, notice how we can be at our best, notice when we sometimes get in our own way, and have a little more choice in the expression of who we are.

Have a go at jotting down some of the key influences in your life:

• How was it growing up?
• Who and what were some of the key influences in your life early on?
• What have some of the best experiences of your life been?
• What are some of the challenges you’ve overcome?
• What and who sometimes ‘triggers’ you in the present day?

It’s not an A+B=C kind of exercise, it’s more an E+P+R= not sure yet, but I’m more aware of the alphabet. The patterns and insights tend to emerge over time.

The reflections above might give you some clues to what some of your values are. Values are the things most important to you and can often be expressed in one or two words (e.g. honesty, kindness, achievement). They tend to remain relatively stable throughout life, sometimes more dramatically shifting if we have kids, have a health scare, or lose someone close to us.?

I’d suggest a well lived life is one aligned with your values.?

• How aligned is your life and work with these values??
• Do these values still serve you and the people you care about??
• Are they expressed in a smart, balanced and sustainable manner?
• Now that you’re wiser and an adult, do some of these inherited values need to be upgraded??
• What action could you take to get even more in synch with your values?

Why is this important in relation to leadership? People trust people who are consistent with there values and lead with integrity. People follow people who have a clear idea of who they are, warts and all. Better humans make better leaders.

4.2. How can I expand my Adaptive-Self?

There will most likely be no shortage of people and events that come your way that almost force you to adapt in some way and challenge how you see yourself and the world:

• That colleague you just rub up against.?
• That challenging conversation you need to have.?
• That presentation that you can’t get out of.
• Those work/life boundaries that keep slipping.
• That promotion and the imposter syndrome that accompanies it.?

In the context of this conversation, you’ll likely feel less natural, more uncomfortable, more self-conscious. You might even get a physiological sense of un-ease when approaching these situations:

• You’re breathing gets shallow.
• Parts of your body become tense.
• Your vision goes narrow.
• Your heart starts to pound.
• You can’t talk like a normal person.
• You turn into a sweaty mess.

Essentially, your sympathetic nervous system kicks in to some degree of fight, flight or freeze.

This is where the real progress is. This is where we can learn the most about ourselves. Freedom lies on the other side of this … man.?

Next time you face a situation like this, approach with curiosity. Ground yourself (more on this in a future article, but for now, take a deep breath in through your nose and an extended out-breath through your mouth, slooooowwwlly. Repeat three times):

• What emotions are coming up?
• Can you simply notice those emotions in the body?
• What can you do in advance to feel more prepared?
• Who could you connect with for some wisdom?
• Is this situation important enough to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’?
• If you were being the bravest version of you, how would you approach this?

After the event:

• What did you learn?
• What might you do differently next time?
• If I managed to survive this, what else could I do?
• If this is an important skill or behaviour to master, how can you manufacture more of these experiences in low risk environments?

If you’re lucky enough to have no situations naturally arrive to exercise your ‘adaptive-self’, you can also deliberately create situations where you throw yourself into new situations where you have to adapt, overcome challenges and grow. Ultra-marathon anyone?!

4.3. How can I evolve my Aspirational-Self?

First and foremost you need to allow time in your life for reflection. This could be as simple as going for a walk regularly or having some time away from technology. It could be a little more structured and include some journaling or a basic meditation practice. If you’re always busy, entertained or distracted, you’ll most likely stick with your usual patterns and only adapt when forced to. Next thing you know, a decade has flown by.?

You’ll also need some sort of inspiration so you can craft your vision for who you could become. This inspiration might be ideas, people, places, events. It could come from books, podcasts, movies. The whole ‘you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with’ thing is a bit transactional, but could you hang out more with people who live the values you’d like to bring into your life, or who prioritise their lives in a way you admire?

Be mindful of going too big and bold for your future vision and certainly be very careful if that starts to be about material things. “If you can’t be happy with a coffee, you won’t be happy with a yacht”. The ‘extraordinary’ is often just that, ‘extra-ordinary’. Laughing with friends, an uplifting conversation with a team member, the flow of a trail run in the forest. The typical Tuesday is more important, and more in your influence, than the sporadic celebrated events that are fleeting. Seek the everyday awesome.

And remember, seeking to be even more awesome doesn’t mean you're not already great in your current form.

5.0. Simplified

1. Reflect on what’s truly important to you. Live it in a smart way.
2. Actively seek challenges that test who you could be.
3. Have an eye to the future, but like yourself on the way.

So there we go. My first foray into publishing on LinkedIn. I enjoyed it. I hope you did too.